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In a rut ...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by warthog, Aug 14, 2015.

  1. warthog

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    Hi guys.

    I don't know if I'm actually asking for advice, or just venting. long story short : I'm not ok. For a while I was coping, trying to get over things, but i'm too involved with the whole family of my ex to completely excise myself. I found myself wondering why the sudden cessation of contact, and i did the stupid thing which is trying to call, with no result. he wouldn't call back. now he's travelling in two days, and that would be that. in the meantime I found myself unwilling to budge from the couch, for hours and hours, I sleep endlessly and have no will to do anything. I just don't want to do anything. I'm thinking about cutting ties with his family after he's gone, it's just too painful to be in proximity of his blood.
    There is no point in asking why, or in hoping things will change, I just want it all to go away, but i'm stuck on it. i'm sooo stuck. it hurts, why wouldn't it stop ?
    Yesterday i deactivated my facebook and closed my instagram, in the attempt to lessen the channels of contact with his siblings, as deleting them seems personal.
    Thing is, despite all the people I know, I have no real friends, I have no family, and i'm just stuck in a rut, trudging on working hard in a war zone, trying to keep up with housework desperately, and basically trying not to go broke. Everything is just a pointless struggle, even my kitten is unwilling to feed and i'm getting worried.
    this is not a cry for sympathy or anything, I just want it to stop, please make it stop please.

    life is shit.
     
  2. Gravity

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    While, in some ways, cutting off contact with your ex's family or otherwise avoiding them might actually be a good thing and allow you to move on in terms of what you're focusing on in life, it sounds like the people in his family aren't the only ones you're cutting out - but rather that you're withdrawing from basically everyone in your life. This is a bit more concerning.

    It's possible that you just need some time to yourself to reset, get some things stabilized (maybe clean the house, work a few extra shifts), and then get back on your feet. This in itself to perfectly fine, and even to be expected.

    But, it might also help in the meantime to be reaching out now and again to people other than your ex's family. Even if you don't have lots of other close friends, you do know some people. Maybe you could ask to hang out with one of them sometime. Maybe grab some food at a favorite place. Or run an errand together. It could be anything - even, as odd as it sounds, invite someone over to hang out while you clean up around the house, even if they aren't cleaning anything themselves.
     
  3. warthog

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    So, rather than starting a new thread, I might as well continue bitching here.
    I took your advice, Gravity, and as an extreme, I went on a trip to Europe.
    Met a lot of my friends all over, and got pretty wasted a couple of times. Thing is, I still constantly think of him. I know it sounds stupid, but even when I do forget my subconscious takes care of it and I dream of better days. I am coming to terms with it, and yet, I feel a deep and profound sadness. It's sometimes unbearable, and it will only get worse when I finally go home. I find myself blaming myself for the situation i'm in, and thinking I did something wrong, but in the end, the only problem is that I loved him more than I should have. I'm not asking for a solution, there isn't one, but I really wonder, does it ever get better ? 4 months is plenty of time, and either and I the biggest sap on earth, or this is the way it should be. I woke up crying today. shit i'm always cold hearted, so why is this so fikkin hard ?
     
  4. Blue787Bunny

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    It seems to me that you are still arrested in the initial grieving phase of a breakup, a person who experiences a breakup will go through the behavior of reminiscing about the former beloved, recalling details of the relationship, things such as the qualities you loved about him, your dates, all the nice things he did for you, how he made you feel loved, how he provided you comfort, etc. Even to the extent of recalling details of his face.

    Normally succeeding that phase is sadness. Mourning the relationship lost, what could have been. A feeling of sadness on how much you miss him. Sadness over how he and you could have been perfect together. You'll agonize over every detail of the relationship. Questioning every action you made or didn't make. Questioning whether you could have done more.

    Anger, the stage which succeeds this lends a person to behave with resentment, regret. You'll be angry about how he makes you sad. Angry at how he led you on and wasted your time. Angry for allowing yourself to fall in the first place. Angry at how everything seems to remind you of him.

    Eventually when all the emotional turmoil has subsided. You are now left with a vulnerable heart, hence you feel guarded. You question your own judgments and the judgments and intentions of people around you...

    Now step back and reevaluate. Have you really gotten over the relationship? Have you allowed yourself to experience all the emotions? The purpose for all of these is for self-understanding and to see where you stand. Only then will you finally have ACCEPTANCE and CLOSURE...

    Acceptance of the truth that you need Time. Sure the breakup may had been coming but it doesn't mean that things really weren't all that bad, or that one or the other didn't hurt. You have to come to terms about the breakup and where you stand, on your own and so does your ex. Giving yourself time allows you to get the closure you need. Time and a large doze of self perspective will allow you to realize that your Ex wasn't Mr. Right, life has a plan for you and that it doesn't include him. Accept that you weren't meant to be together.

    If you choose to deny and distance from your emotions, such as engaging in a rebound relationship, “getting wasted”, or other band-aid solutions. It serves to cover-up the emotional and mental crisis inside of you. It will arrest your natural progression through the grieving process. Distanced from your feelings, your feelings will continue to subconsciously emanate. Perpetuating the hurt, pain and/or in your case longing. Unless you allow yourself to feel these emotions, you end up subconsciously internalizing them until it ends up manifesting itself by tainting any potential for contentment, joy, happiness and love with a future partner.

    Now that you have lost a Support System. Maybe it is time to rekindle and strengthen, invest more in your relationships with your friends and family. Perhaps Europe is a bit far off to realistically maintain strong and constant bonds. Perhaps there other places in your home town where you can find friends. And Gravity is right, by deactivating your Social Apps, in a way you closed yourself up not only from his family but from your social sphere as well. If you fear being reminded of him through his family. You don’t necessarily have to delete them as friends. You can ultimately just unsubscribe, they won’t think you’re bitter because they won’t know nonetheless. I think finding rekindling old friendships as well as seeking new friendships will serve best to remind you that there is more to life than having your (ex) partner. :slight_smile:
     
  5. warthog

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    Hiyah ... thanks Blue, I'm just updating here.

    I'm still hung up it seems. Thing is, I've been away for a month now, and i'm starting to head back . You're right I need to feel the emotions, but the trouble is i've been feeling them too much. I wanted to distance myself from everything, because that's what I do. Just get it all out of my sight. God knows I have a lot of other, more serious stuff to attend to, and I just don't want to be sad while dealing with it all.
    Reminders... I need to cut ties, but I just can't we're to entangled. furthermore, I'm the one who actually helped get his shit together to go study, and I am actually expected to arrange everything from transfers of pocket money to planning future studies. This is the work of his family on me. I am extremely frustrated and I really don't want to say something I may regret, like " I don't want any more contact with you " to some nice people, but what am I to do otherwise ?
    Rekindle old relationships. I'm not much of a social person, and my circumstances are just too complicated to get into, but let's just say I probably have PTSD and I totally hate people. the only people I am in daily contact with are ironically, his family.
    It's like being trapped in a cage and poked with a stick constantly .
    Life is throwing a lot of trouble at me, and it's not my own. and I have to deal with it, and I just can't at the moment. I know I will probably start lashing out and shutting myself in as soon as I get home. At least I will be back in the office chain smoking and finding a way to get out of this extremely shitty financial situation I am in .
    I see no release, except when I am finally able to shut everything back home, and go abroad for good. only then will I be able to find myself in a new environment, with less stress, and new people to form new relationships with. until then, for as long as that would take to happen, I am going to get slapped in the face, and i'm wondering, if I could really take any more and maintain my sanity.
    I don't know what I just wrote, but who gives a shit.