I need some advice but also sudden backstory GO I knew I was different when I was around 12 or 13. I was going to catholic school so sex and being gay were never mentioned/discussed. I grew up with parents/church hating who I am so instead of embracing it, I hid it away. Fast forward to this past May (10 to 11 years later) I came out to a friend that I had been talking to on the fly. He took it well and that led me to come out to more friends. Then I came out to real life friends face to face, and then finally to my parents face to face. A week or two after the fighting ended, I briefly had a boyfriend starting on the momentous supreme court ruling day up until a month ago. He was also in a similar position where he was raised catholic and had, at that point, not come out to his family yet. Anyway, I've had all of this happen very quickly. I told myself then that I was tired of hiding everything away and that I wanted to be free. At the moment however I've never felt so alone or down about everything.. When I was growing up I was ignoring me being gay the best I could and that, to some extent, was easy. Now that I'm out I feel like I have to be even more careful about who I am to family or friends who didn't take it so well (I live with my parents as I struggle to find a job so I have to deal with it many times per day). I've often felt like I have nobody to talk to and that I regret changing my life and coming out at all. In some respects I still wish I wasn't gay, which is pretty sad at this point in my life. I'm not sure what my next step needs to be or what I need to work on. I see myself regressing back to wanting to be the 14-year-old me just hiding everything inside. Some sort of advice would be appreciated as I've been trying to figure this out by myself and only really depressing myself more. And also apologies if this is more appropriate in a specific section of the subforum. Thanks.
Hi I am so sorry that you have found yourself in such a predicament. If it offers any reprieve we here on EC will always offer you support. Now to get down to the matter. You had mentioned that you came out in May. It has only been 4 months from then and I believe you are still in the phase of assimilating the "gay" lifestyle. Your family and some of your friends on the other hand are still in the phase of "fear, denial, anger, grief" before they can truly move to acceptance. Stop, breath, collect yourself... You said it yourself--- "I've had all of this happen very quickly", you have suddenly rushed on to changes and you yourself are caught up in the confusion. You are unable to handle your emotions to an extent causing you to want to regress back to being quasi-straight. After all being "straight" was your comfort zone, and here you are at this situation where you are at your most vulnerable. Perhaps you didn't have a realistic view going into it. Perhaps you thought everything would be great, everything would be ideal, everybody would join the coming out wagon. But they didn't. You weren't prepared for this setback. FEELING ALONE You mentioned you had a ex-boyfriend. How did you come to meet him? Is there a possibility of meeting others similarly but on a friendship level? Making new friends, those who can relate to you can answer for you feeling alone and isolated. It doesn't mean you have to ditch your former friends but having new ones who can better understand your situation and the struggles you would have to face is a good way of having someone beside you who can talk you through the changes and challenges. If the chance of having a gay friend is non foreseeable perhaps already existing friend can be your confidant. I myself have no gay friends but I chose one close girl friend to act as my confidant. He/she doesn't necessarily have to relate to every single thing you say but having someone beside you to listen to your rants, problems or simply venting out to someone helps a lot rather than bottling it up inside yourself. NEED TO ACT AROUND FAMILY AND FRIENDS You said you family and some friends did not take it well. And now you have to "act" around them. Although without pertinent facts I cannot tell you what maybe going on in their minds. If I may presume your family and friends may just be going through the phases of "fear, denial, anger, grief" which are normal steps or phases in the road to acceptance. We tend to forget that life also changes for our parents, family and to some extent our friends when we come out. Your family might be going through feelings of Fear, Guilt, Self Blame, Dashed Hopes and Dreams, How Life Will Change, Sense of Loss of Control and Anger (I have a more in dept description here on this post I made: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/parents-family-members-lgbt-people/189630-accepting-parents-but-different-if-its-your-own-child.html). It is unfortunate to say that some families however as a result of their inability to cope with these new feelings resort to giving up and resolved to “disown” their child or to “forget” them. Some try to “pray it away,” while others resort to over-involvement in activities, engage in other distractions or outright hostility. NEXT STEP For starters instead of ignoring the issues present why not take a proactive role. Play your part and help them cope, help them understand. The worst thing you can do is to act out and play the victim. Help them realize that you are going to be right beside them when facing these challenges, they are not alone. Talk them through and help them understand your new lifestyle. They may need time to understand and process everything but it doesn't mean they are any less accepting. Help them understand that the child they knew then, is still the same child they have now. The only thing different is the life choices you make and the life choices they envisioned you'd make.
Thank you for the response. I didn't think anyone would respond. Realistically, I had always feared that I would be thrown out. What happened instead was a lot of fighting and now silence. My parents just seem to want to ignore that I'm gay and carry on with derogatory terms describing people who piss them off in stressful situations (like screaming fag while i'm in the car to someone who just cut them off). In many ways, it's worse of a feeling than being thrown out, and I have to deal with it every single day until I find my own place. My mom specifically is in the "fear, denial, anger, grief" phase and I don't know when/if she will ever get out of that. She typically is not the type of person to let things go/accept things for what they are. Where friends are concerned, I realistically thought they would never speak to me again. Some are, but some were extremely supportive at first but then kind of faded out and now haven't spoken to me in some time. As far as my ex goes, we met on TF2, which is a game on steam. I had been out to a friend and he asked to join in on a game we were playing. He eventually got the courage to ask me how my parents took it when I came out to them and it just kind of happened from there. As far as friends go, I have some gay internet friends but they just aren't the same as friends I would talk to in real life. As far as I know, I don't know anyone who is gay or who can relate in my real life circle of friends, and I'm not sure where I can make new friends either. I always made friends in classes, but now that I'm done with college and mostly at home for the day searching up job listings, I'm just scared to go out of my comfort zone. I'm also scared to start talking to a guy I like, telling him I'm gay, and then getting punched in the face or something. Going back to my parents, I often thought about how their lives would change when I would tell them I was gay. I'm the only child and they always always always wanted grandchildren. I know that it is and has been a possibility for me to have children, but it's not the same for them. As far as getting them to understand and accept me, I have tried that many times. Each time, my mother and I end up in a crying fight. Me being gay is just something that I don't bring up anymore for fear of going through another emotionally charged afternoon. I want to talk about it, but I know that she doesn't. She blames me and wonders why I could never tell her that I was gay in the 10 years since I've known (we had a very good relationship before this where we would tell each other anything but I never felt like I could tell her I was gay). Also, I will definitely check that link out. Thank you for taking the time to get back to me. I really do appreciate it!
One of the coping mechanism we have for grief is denial. Your parents have found it too hard to cope with their emotions that they just chose to ignore them and in turn forget the fact that you came out, the very thing that caused the emotional turmoil. I would like to share to you a personal experience. I don't know if it'll be the same for you but here... I am gay. There has never been an official "Mom/Dad I am gay" moment in my life. However when I started dating guys my parents somehow got wind, talked amongst themselves. My mom was tasked to talk to me and all she said in gist was that they'd love me all the same. However their acceptance of me did not change their unfavorable views of LGBT in general. They on occasions utter homophobic slurs of comments such as their favorite "gays are ne'er-do-wells!". Though done in my presence this is not directed at me nor a personal attack. It doesn't change the fact that they accept me and love me. However we must accept the fact that our parents came from a different time and place. A different societal situation that had unfavorable views of the LGBT. It doesn't help that they are religious hardliners. One moment of coming out does not instantly change the upbringing they had the decades long mantra they hold that LGBT are sinners. To some extent we must give them space and accept that it'll be hard for them to change and that our views may not necessarily parallel that of our own. As for your mom being in the "fear, denial, anger, grief" phase. The grieving process takes around 6 months. I believe that you are still on your 4rth month from coming out. She may just need more time to process through her emotions. If your parents or mom has a hard time accepting the fact that you are for a fact gay. Why not help her deal with her emotions. Introduce to her the concept that you are gay in increments. talk about gay issues first, this issues may be the same issues you would face on as an LGBT. Gauge her response, if it is negative don't approach further just keep on working on it til she responds on the positive. In the the event that she responds positive talk about the life of a gay friend (can be imaginary) talk about the positive things your friend including his family has gone through. Talk about how coming out to his family caused some misunderstandings but ultimately they were better off, the parents were better off knowing their child can now live as he truly is. This is so she can reference someone or have a similar family she can relate to. If she again responds in a positive way. ASK HER, don't feed her what she thinks and feels about you coming out. She needs to vent out what she feels and what she thinks. DO NOT challenge those feelings or thoughts immediately because it would be saying as if she was wrong to feel those emotions or to think those thoughts. Let her get comfortable with those emotions and thoughts. You can talk about your side of things in future conversations. That is when you meet your views with hers. Hopefully doing so would help her accept the fact that you are gay. Is it necessary for you to have gay friends? Because I myself do not have gay friends. I view my sexuality as one aspect of my being therefor I do not make it a point that I should connect with my friends in that level. Having friends denotes connecting with people with similar hobbies, interests, etc. Having straight friends doesn't make you more alone. Also instead on wallowing on your lack of friends why not be proactive? Reconnect with those friends. Reinforce friendships and bridges with those who are willing to reconnect with you. Also isolating yourself is counter productive. Why not go to a bar, club even just the park, etc? Put yourself in situations where you are likely to meet friends. Who knows you may even meet a partner.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I do get the lesson behind it. I need to look at this from their perspective. It's just a shame that we all have to go through something like this in one way or another. :/ (also I read this this morning before going out, just getting around to responding now) I basically read this and then decided that I would in a roundabout way get my mom to the site of our worst fight, which was in a park on a bench. In that fight, she ended up storming away and I left walking home. She came chasing after me in the car eventually and begged me to get back in. I know from this that she still cares in her own way and I do think she does need time. But anyway, I said something along the lines of "Are you sure you want to come back here, I don't know if this park is good for the both of us" and she sort of chuckled and said that we would be okay. So I suppose that was kind of what you were talking about with getting her to open up even just a little bit about it without it being negative. It was a nice change! It isn't a necessity but I find that (the people I meet online anyway) we have something in common immediately. I'm having these doubts about myself but I still want to be as open as possible with people now since I've been keeping under wraps for so long. Back when I was first coming out to friends, I was told by someone that it would be good to find someone in real life who was gay so that I didn't feel alienated going to a gay bar by myself (I don't know if I have the courage for that right now!) or something like that. Also when I read this before, your very last sentence gave me chills. I had one of those life flashes. It seems far away, but reasonably attainable.
