Please help me, I'm really depressed

Have you considered joining an GLBT club or something similar? Most colleges have one and it's an excellent opportunity to meet new people who are in a similar situation.

My impression is that you're intentionally hitting on straight guys because you're afraid of the real thing. The majority of gay guys aren't feminine or anything like that, but you have to make a real effort to meet them.

Another thing that can help is getting out of the closet. Is it possible for you to do that?

 

Since you mentioned it, yeah, you can definitely go to gay bars, take a friend or several friends and have a great time in gay bars. There's nothing wrong about it as long as you understand what you're doing.

My only suggestion is to tell you that life is a balancing act -- having the best from every aspect happens only to a select few, the rest of us have it somewhere in the middle.

 

Well, I'm out of my area of expertise here. That, and you're older than me, so shit what can I tell you? However, I do know this. The mind is very vulnerable to suggestion, and if an idea gets locked in one's mind or heart, it often sticks. I didn't know that I liked girls until my best friend came out to me, and, after a LONG TIME... I realized I liked them in that way, and as it so happened, returned their feelings for me. If your straight friends are accepting, you never know, they could get bicurious. I don't really know if this helps or not, but if you let someone know you like them, they're more likely to return your feelings.

 

I think you may have to seek out some clubs or groups. Perhaps you only see guys who are not quite as masculine, because others may blend in more and you may not even realize they might be gay. See if you can find a local LGBT club so you can safely meet more guys and feel less of an outsider. If you are depressed, you should also speak to a counselor or therapist, because that can be serious. Best to you.

 

Hi I would like to offer you some insight to your behavior. You may not necessarily like it, but nevertheless you need to hear it. I see two big issues that stick out on your original post.

Let's start with your Unrealistic Relationship Views...

Honestly you seem to be fixating in the wrong type of relationship. Ask yourself is it realistic for you to fall for straight men? Do you see in any foreseeable future that a straight man would fall for you? You seem to convince yourself that a gay relationship is out of sight or at the very least would not work. Because you allow yourself to entertain unrealistic relationship goals you are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt. The very thing you are experiencing right now.

Your false fantasies are inhibiting you from finding true intimacy. Basically right now you have made one-sided expectations of love a part of your psyche. You objectify straight men and expect a one-sided, superficial relationship with them because that is what you have convinced yourself you desire. You get lost in your fantasy because it expects nothing from you in return - as opposed to gay men, who you've seem to have unrealistically stereotype as "feminine and ugly". In turn self-focused and biased views make it hard for you to connect and appreciate gay men.

Your misguided, shallow, and stereotyped views of gay men have left you dissatisfied at the idea of being "with them". So what you do is to continue on with the straight guy and crush on them. If in turn you do not meet the fantasized intimacy in return. You move on to the next straight guy, and so on.

Again ask yourself why straight men?

Do you get the thrill or rush of having something forbidden? taboo? Realistically speaking if a gay man is to hit on a straight guy we run the chance of being hurt in a way and I mean physically as well as get a flurry of slurs hurled at us. Sometimes the forbidden, the danger, the risk we run when we go for a straight guy elicits in us a enhanced sexual arousal. You can liken it to an adrenaline rush. Besides, having something forbidden or seemingly unattainable makes it all the more coveted.

Of course I do not know your relationship with your father. But sometimes having father issues or simply wanting a male authority in our lives can lead gay men to fall for straight men. Some gay men like the sexual fantasy or role-play of being dominated, and straight men offer us a convenient way of acting it out albeit in your mind. While some gay men search for a way to "heal" or reenact the bond that may have been broken with his dad.

Another more obvious issue I see in your post is that you seem to have Internalized Homophobia...

I took it from you cue "I am not that masculine", that straight men may be a way for you to reinforce or get in touch with your masculinity. By sexualizing straight men you are subconsciously creating a bridge for acceptance into their "masculine world". You have already been accepted into their world by means of friendship but somehow you feel the need to up the ante of your transference, in hopes one day of a counter transference in their part. That would make the ultimate acceptance into the masculine world providing you with a sense of belonging.

"I really fucking hate being gay" and "i'm just kinda disgusted with gay guys who are almost always really feminine or unattractive" stand out to me as proclamations of internalized homophobia. You simply see gay men as a mirror of yourself. Because of this you look for the complete opposite of gay, and that is straight men. Gay men who don't address their internalized shame will find themselves attracted to unavailable men, straight men. When you seek a partner and that partner turns out to be gay, you are forced to accept that yes I AM GAY. With that realization you are now forced to deal with your internalized issues and conflict. This internal conflict inside of you has made straight men desirable precisely because they will never become available, hence you would never have to deal what ever you are trying to suppress.

Moving forward... If therapy is an option, go ahead do it. You mention you have depression so I would have to take your word for it. See a competent and licensed Psychiatrist. He/she can offer you various modes of treatment as well as therapy.

I would also like you to try one thing. We call it Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You mentioned that you felt miserable in social situations because you see your straight friends flirting around, etc. Our Brain is pre-wired to focus on the negative aspect of things, specifically what hurts us. What I want you to do is the moment a negative emotion arises because of similar situations, quickly re-focus your mind on another thing, a positive thing. Do not entertain the though of a straight guy and his girl kissing and the accompanying negative emotions. Instead let's say focus on the music, focus on the dancing, focus on whatever happy stuff is happening around you. Cultivate the positive emotion. Eventually this will teach and and re-wire your brain to focus on the positive and thus elicit positive emotions.

Put yourself out there. You don't like LGBT Clubs, you don't like Gay Bars. Why not go to other clubs, bars, even the park, etc. Gay men don't just stay in LGBT Clubs and Bars. You can find them in any place a straight person would go to. Put yourself out there and I do hope you find love and happiness.

 

The way you write it, it looks like you have more of internalized homophobia. I wasn't a big fan of the term myself until I looked into it and realized how scary it was that it related to me. maybe if you start from there, the problems or issues you have might be able to start falling in place and it'd be easier to deal with. I was just as frustrated as you were when I was beginning to have those situations thrown into.
Try to make it easier on yourself on what makes you attached or attracted to these guys in the first place. was it their personality, looks, body types, those kinds of things. It's normal to ask those kinds of question for yourself. don't be too hesitant about it. I promise you'll feel less weird and odd when you figure these things out. It's not always easy. One advice I do want to offer is don't ever put yourself in a situation where you're not going to be comfortable at all. take it one step at a time.

 

Have you considered the possibility of online dating?

This would help you at least find gay guys, and you can go from there.

This can also help give you a wider pool of people that you otherwise would not have met, and you may make some new friends as well.

There are. Of course, good and bad sites.
If you do some research, you’ll find that a select few, (both free and paid) will keep coming up in reviews and such.
The good sites will also help match you with someone based on common interests, personality traits, values and so on.

As with any online site, be careful and know what to watch out for, but it just might be another venue to consider.

Whatever outlet you choose, I hope you can find what you are looking for!