I feel trapped in depression

Hi I am glad you at least found enough comfort and trust to post here on EC. I would like to offer you some advice and insight but in doing so I would like to mention that my advice or advice from anyone here on EC for that matter is not a substitute for the advice and treatment that a competent and licensed Psychiatrist can accord you. Please see one.

It is not my place nor anyone's place here on EC to give you a definitive Diagnosis, although it is pretty clear you have an underlying mental condition. However you already went to the extent of naming what you believe your condition is. Now in saying that depression has a vice like grip on you. The thing with it is that it is insidious, and finds itself creeping and tainting all aspects of your life. Hence as you mentioned you feel as if a wave of sadness overtakes you, you feel like your in a haze all day, you feel hopeless, you have crying spells, you have suicidal thoughts and you feel trapped. You have mentioned some issues which I would like to give my insight to...

You mentioned that you often cry thinking about your childhood partly because of Religion. Why did you come to the conclusion that it is false? Do you feel ashamed about being gay because you cannot reconcile it with your beliefs? Is it fundamental for you to have a religion? Or can you find it possible to reconcile your belief with that of being gay? After all for every person that says that gays are sinners and would go to hell. There are others who say that God, Allah or whoever Supreme Being you believe in loves us and shows mercy. If you feel irreconcilable with your religion, leaving it may be an option instead of staying and suffering and being made to feel like your an abomination.

I would like to share to you MY OWN experience. I grew up raised as a member of a minority Christian Denomination. As I grew older I felt that my beliefs and the teachings it preached were no longer aligned. So what I did was I looked into and studied the core teachings of other religions. And I came to the conclusion that Protestantism was more aligned to my beliefs. In saying that you can take the same route. Look for a religion that aligns with your beliefs. It may even be a path for personal growth. If in the case you do not find the need for a religion, as I said don't force yourself into a religion that makes you feel like an abomination. I myself reconciled my religious faith with being gay by accessing my own beliefs. Simply I do not believe in a wrathful God Who'll condemn me to hell. It's something preachers tell you to scare the shit out of you to submission. I read the Bible and found that it emphasizes a loving and forgiving God. If ever my being gay was a sin; I simply believe that I had already been forgiven for it.

There seems to be a large theme of Hopelessness in your post. At this point it is understandable because of your mental state but let us get a better perspective. One example you site is going to Germany, how you enjoyed your trip there but now feel you won't be able to ever go back. At your age 19yo how realistic is it to claim that you'll never be able to go there again? You said it yourself, you are smart enough to know the thought is Bullsh*t as you said. You've got the rest 81 years of your life ahead of you to explore the world! Germany is just the beginning. Sure it may seem expensive now but wait until you save up or until you get a job and you can start travelling. You can also look into alternatives. Does it have to be Germany? How about travelling somewhere nearer? You can travel and explore your own country. It doesn't have to be far off or exotic just for it to be fun. We get so caught up about exploring the world we forget there is a whole world to explore right at our own backyard.

You mentioned that you dream too big and that whenever you feel excited about something, a feeling of hopelessness engulfs you. We can never dream too big because we were simply made for bigger things. Think about it if everyone on this earth thought they'd dream too big then the biggest innovations we have would simply be non existent. Freedom, the Internet, Airplanes, you name it. Everyone at one point in their lives dreamed big, the only difference is they acted on it. Don't limit yourself to the what ifs you are feeling. You are bigger than that.

I'd like to ask when did you come out to your parents? Was it recent or had been for a while already. It seems that the wayside comment of your parents regarding having a girl friend like you may come from a place of denial. Denial is a normal response during the initial phases right after coming out. After all they are forced to grieve and surrender their hopes, dreams and ideas of what life you would have had. During this time they may still hold on to some of this beliefs, in the case of your parents they may be referencing the dream and expectation they have had that you were eventually gonna marry and have children. It doesn't mean that they're never gonna accept you, it just means they themselves haven't gotten into grips with reality and their emotions. Give them time.

You were right to call a Suicide Hotline when you had suicidal thoughts. Despite everything that unfolded here you are standing. Have you tried talking to your parents after that night? Have you or they addressed your current mental state? If not try to talk to them once again to see if they are now more receptive. They probably were just caught off guard and unprepared when everything happened that night. If they continue to be dismissive, can you call on some other person? Older siblings, Aunt or Uncle, Grandparents? It is important now more than ever that you have a solid support system who can come into action when things go wrong. Perhaps anyone of them can help you seek professional help? I believe that it is best for your case that you see a professional. Please see a competent and licensed Psychiatrist who may accord you the treatment you need such as medications and therapy.

I would like to share to you an exercise from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy--- First thing to do is to recognize the behavior, that is when your depressive thoughts are starting. Our Brain is pre-wired to focus on the negative aspect of things, specifically what hurts us. What I want you to do is the moment a negative emotion arises because of whatever situational trigger or if it just so happens spontaneously, quickly re-focus your mind on another thing, a positive thing. Do not entertain the negative thought playing through your mind and the accompanying negative emotions. Instead quickly redirect your focus on the good things around you, focus on whatever happy stuff is happening around you it may be music, the presence of family, friends, your beautiful house, etc. Cultivate the positive emotion. Eventually this will teach and and re-wire your brain to focus on the positive and thus elicit positive emotions.

Again I would like to reiterate the importance of seeking professional help. Please see a competent and licensed Psychiatrist who may accord you the treatment you need such as medications and therapy. And remember call for help when you feel suicidal, ANY HELP--- Call a Suicide Hotline, a Family, A Friend, anyone willing to listen and help. It doesn't make you any less of a person. If anything it makes you BRAVE because you choose to fight on instead of choosing a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

I hope I have helped even in the simplest of ways.

 

Don't worry I don't spew hate on any one.

Well then the Religious things gives you a perfect example of redirecting your focus from a negative aspect of a situation to that of a positive. Instead of dwelling on the negative emotions and thoughts you have regarding finding that your religion was false. Why not look at it in another perspective? I am so thankful and in some regards happy that I have come to the realization that my religion was false! I am no longer a blind follower and no longer have to be indoctrinated by its falsehood.

See how we redirect our focus on a seemingly negative situation to that of its positive consequence. For every situation there is a positive and a negative. Train yourself to redirect and focus on the positive eventually the negative aspect may no longer be so burdensome.

In saying that losing your religion albeit voluntarily may have caused underlying subconscious stress and issues within you. After all studies have shown that Religion as a form of Social Control contributes to reduced rates of suicide. In turn you must now strengthen your other Support Systems such as family and friends to make up for its loss.

As for racism, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. It is true that when an individual is exposed and indoctrinated with an ideology for an extended period of time most notably during the formative years and years of creating a self-identity that it becomes a part of you, a part of your sense of self. Often times this racist upbringing is accompanied by isolation leading to further false and stereotypical beliefs of the other race.

When you find yourself having racist thoughts, challenge your thoughts... Let’s say in your hopes of preserving the integrity of your culture… How do people of color threaten my cultural beliefs and society as a whole? The problem maybe that you have interjected you self-identity with that of the identity of your community and culture. In the wish to preserve the integrity of your culture, you have drawn the lines in a color coded fashion. What does their skin color exactly represent that elicits such hatred? Is it realistic that I have defined my community, culture, and society… self… based on insiders (white) and outsiders (people of color)?

As I aforementioned a racist upbringing sometimes entails isolation from other people of color or at the very least tolerance with a large dose of skepticism. Have you tried getting to know people of color? Enculturate yourself? Sometimes the actual remedy to our hard held beliefs and stereotypes is to expose ourselves to the actual persons we fear or hate. Let someone show you who they are and who they are not.

Lastly, learn to forgive yourself. You beat yourself up too much that you fail to see that you’ve actually made progress. Have patience, a year won’t change a lifetime of ideology. Do not lose heart for in time you shall reap.

I do hope you do get better. And in the interest of your wellbeing I do hope you seek treatment from a competent and licensed Psychiatrist.