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Guilt about being turned on by men

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by dt85, Sep 3, 2015.

  1. dt85

    dt85 Guest

    I didn't know where to post this; I suppose someone will move it if this the wrong forum.

    I grew up in a very, very vehemently homophobic household. I'll be honest: I'm 30-years-old, and aside from some inappropriate sex with a girl I had when I was 11 and she was 14, I've been celibate and alone my entire life. Well, a boy went down on me around that same age, too. I didn't grow up in the healthiest of situations.

    So obviously if I need or want to cum, I do things myself. But since I've started to own up to being attracted to other men, I haven't looked at women so much, and I'll admit I look at gay porn, or just men masturbating on cam websites. I also noticed a sweaty, shirtless guy riding his bicycle as I was driving down the street recently and I felt turned on all over my body for the first time in my life.

    The problem is that I have so much guilt and shame about it that my brain still tries to convince me that I'm straight. Maybe I am attracted to men and women after all, I don't know. But I do know I ain't straight.

    It's not a religious thing at all—I'm not remotely religious. It is, however, really painful and holding me back in my life to feel like I'm doing something wrong any time I'm turned on by a man.
     
  2. AdelOwl

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    Hey,

    I don't know how long you've been out for (to yourself or other people), but hopefully this is something that will get easier with time. It's something that I, and presumably many others, went through when I first realised I was attracted to guys. Have you thought about speaking with a therapist to try and put your homophobic upbringing behind you? Or are there any gay meetups in your area, so that you can meet other LGBT people and realise that what you are feeling is pretty normal?
     
  3. dt85

    dt85 Guest

    There aren't any meetups that I've been able to find. The university that I'm transferring to next year has a renowned LGBT resource center, but the state school I'm attending through next spring doesn't have any resources. Their GSA club is all but dead.

    I've been encouraged to volunteer at JASMYN (Jacksonville Area Sexual Minority Youth Network), which gives young people in the LGBT community who may have been kicked out of their homes or mistreated a safe place to spend time and get a hot meal. However, I worry about being around the youth (you have to be 23 or younger to actually use their services) while I'm still struggling the way I am—I wouldn't want to be a negative influence.

    Other than that I haven't been able to locate any resources or meetups for someone my age.
     
  4. Linus

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    Sort of random idea here, but what if you take a vacation to a more accepting area? Then maybe you can make friends there with people like you, and keep in touch with them when you go back home.
     
  5. dt85

    dt85 Guest

    I wish that were possible! I'm swamped with schoolwork. I'm taking 15 credit hours this semester. That's another aspect of this problem. Because of the way I've been feeling, I only want to hang out with women at school. However, I don't want them to get the wrong idea. I have a fear of my straight male peers finding out that I'm gay and making my life hell. When I get to UNF next year I'll have a place to spend time with other people who are gay, but they don't allow people who aren't enrolled there to use their services because they don't have the resources to admit the community to their meetings and gatherings. I feel like I have a secret that is going to be discovered if I look at some of the other guys in the wrong way. Maybe that's another issue? I don't know, but I wish I could make gay friends at the school I currently attend. I think I might feel better if I could do that.
     
  6. Linus

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    At the very least, try to spot alliances. Casually ask opinions on the Qcommunity, without actually indicating your connection with them. Try to meet new people every day. Also, in general I've found, Girls are more accepting than guys. So look for possible allies with your current bunch.
     
  7. AdelOwl

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    Volunteering sounds like a great idea and I don't think you'd be a negative influence. Your issues sound like they are more to do with internalised homophobia, rather than having an issue with gay people in general. Being around other LGBT people at the network may help you deal with this, while doing something good at the same time. Plus, I'm sure there would be other volunteers there, closer to your age, that you would be able to connect with.
     
  8. jonjon

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    I still deal with a little bit of guilt myself. At this point in my journey, I've accepted that I'm attracted to men, and I'm cool with that, and I want to be open about it, but I'm tiptoeing around my religious family, and my insecurities, and that old religious propaganda in the back of my head, and blah blah blah. Coming out of the closet is a work in progress.

    But I've found that you start with small things, like telling those few carefully selected friends what the deal is. And then you get to be verbal about it a little bit and get some friendly feedback and support. I have found that the girls that showed romantic interest in me were the chillest about it when I explained my deal to them. Of course you have to be the judge of who you tell. Don't lead girls on, and I make my move nearly the moment I know for sure. I always ask for some secrecy after the matter as well. And then I joined emptyclosets.com. And when I'm out somewhere I know I'm safe to be me I respectfully glare at all the eye candy I want :icon_mrgr. I've also talked to a therapist about things a number of times over the years which has helped. It's nice to get feedback from a professional who understand feeling and emotions and stuff.

    And that's where I'm at. I'd like to "lend an ear" if you ever want to vent or chat.