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READ ME - confused and looking for help with hocd?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Cara1221, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. Cara1221

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Poland
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Dear Readers,

    I am a 21 years female from Poland so sorry for any grammar mistakes. I think I have HOCD (I've been diagnosed with it but who knows right), but I would like to see your point of view in this case because I'm really confused.

    At first I want to say that I am very tolerant person and have always been very supportive. Had a gay friend and talked to many gay people, listening to their stories etc.

    I consider myself as straight. Well, I did and now I just don't know, but it's confusing to me and can be to you too so I'm asking you for understanding and sympathy. I don't want to offend someone with my doubts and confusion. So sorry.

    So, I watched some random video on youtube about girl coming out and in the middle it hit me: What if I'm lesbian too? Well at first there were no thoughts (they came later) -just panic and anxiety. And since then I have ups and downs. I said to my mom "Do you think I could be gay?" and she said she would accept me being gay but I'm not and what I'm even thinking about. And I was so crying, but I knew I'm not gay, but it felt so real to me (i didn't knew about hocd back then).

    I googled everything what's possible and I found something about HOCD, so I checked and everything matched to me. I've been in very bad condition. Now I'm better because I take some meds from my therapist.

    To the point. I've never had and gay thoughts (though my first kiss was with girl because we were preparing for boys lol - we were like 9 or 10). I've always been crazy about boys in my puberty and then in my adulthood, though I've never had a boyfriend and am a virgin. I still wait for the one and now I don't know if he even exists. I crushed on my almost boss (I didn't get the job) and many many others. I imagined myself being with a man and it felt so right, so good. I dreamed about having sex with them etc. I've always masturbated to straight porn (okay gay too) but never to lesbian, because was always looking at men.

    I've never crushed on any girl, but always admired beauty and could see that some girl or woman is pretty, but without some innuendo. While looking at men it was different. When I saw some handsome guy I was like shaking, excited and tried to catch his eye. Even three weeks ago when I was still "normal" I tried to hit on some man and liked the attention he was giving me. But now I feel different sometimes. I feel so anxious when I go out and see women and even men. I try to check if I can get aroused, but it's not like that anymore. Because I've never thought being somewhere about the attraction etc. I've been thinking back then: "this girl is pretty" "oh my gosh that man, how do i look, what can i do, is he staring at me, i think he's staring at me" and had this butterflies in my stomach.

    Sometimes I imagine myself a life with a woman. And when I'm in bad mood I panic. But when I'm okay like now, then it's not bothering me. But I feel like it's not me. Because even falling asleep I'm thinking about men and want to have one, but still waiting. And what's depressing me more is: I could have a boyfriend and many others. There is some special in my life but I have no feelings for him and my brain says it's because I'm lesbian. So my questions are:

    1. Do you think some man or woman can dream about someone of the opposite sex, desire them, crushing on them but then in real life being actually gay/lesbian?
    2. How did you know you're "different"? (sorry for the word) How old were you when you found out? Did you always felt attracted to the people of the same sex?
    3. Do you believe in HOCD? Do you think I have HOCD? Because sometimes I feel like I do but sometimes I feel so anxious. Like two weeks ago I was crazy about Bradley Cooper and now I'm not.
    4. Do you think sexual orientation can suddenly change? I don't think I'm lesbian but I'm so confused and seeking some explanations. Because I know the one side and want now to know yours.
    5. How do you explain sexual identity crisis?


    I someone reads this - massive thank you.

    Wish you all the best
    Cara
     
  2. Cara1221

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2015
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Poland
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    please help me guys, I don't know what to do