Is it weird to just "fantasize" about killing myself?

It's not weird. People just think it's weird if you bring it up too soon.

Sometimes I think about different ways to die, and it's my morbid curiosity at work. I used to think about morbid things almost every day. Nowadays my morbid thoughts have died down somewhat, but I digress.

I don't think your thoughts of suicide are dangerous (you say they're more calming than distressing), unless you seriously begin to plan how to kill yourself and/or the thoughts become an obsession... and then we have to figure out where it qualifies as obsession.

 

Some people have a fascination with death, I am one such person. So no it's not unusual.

 

Not unusual at all you just are curious of maybe life after death etc etc. I do this pretty often it's fine to let the mind wander if you have no intention on doing it.

 

Hi I would like to offer my insight behind the behavior. You may not necessarily agree with it but you do need to hear it nonetheless. There are various issues that you had mentioned in your OP that stand out to me and which I would like to address. You may feel like each of them is really a non-issue and therefor does not contribute to your suicidal fantasies or ideations but in a grander scheme they are all interconnected. Such is the complexity of the human mind.

You had mentioned that you suffer from Mild OCD. In the past high risk for suicidal behavior had been attributed to certain mental conditions such as Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia as well as some Personality Disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder. However recent research has shown that 25 to 27% of persons who suffer from OCD do in fact attempt or commit suicide. Up to 28% actively engage in suicidal ideations (fantasies), while 59% will experience suicidal ideations in their lifetimes. And of this 59%, up to 60% will attempt suicide in their lifetimes. Factors which contribute to the risk of suicide include the co-occurrence of Depression. Depression doesn’t have to be an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It can exist in the subconscious, insidiously existing in the subthreshold.

The difficulty in OCD lies with the fact that there is an actual comprehension and acknowledgement that the habits, rituals, obsessions, avoidance and behavior aren’t realistic and that they serve no purpose. But still the sufferer feels compelled to do them anyways. The sufferer may try to arrest the compulsions, and to a certain degree accomplish this feat. But then the anxiety and panic starts kicking-in once the need mitigate the compulsive thoughts set in. Ultimately the sufferer yields in one way or another, and ultimately leaves you self-defeated. The battle gets tiring and the OCD itself feels terminal. The feelings of isolation wondering if anyone can really understand you. Suicide is in part an extension of this approach, the concept of terminality finally has an ultimate end.

You had also mentioned of your recent change of religious views on suicide. Religion in itself is a form of Social Control which reduces one’s risk of Suicide. In saying that even the belief system within this religious aspect plays a role in higher or lower rates of suicidal behavior. In the aspect of Social Control, you had mentioned that you are socially awkward and mortified of the thought of rejection. Persons who are not properly integrated into society. Those who have a sense that they do not necessarily belong have a higher risk of suicidal behavior, as this weakens the bond of you as an individual to the collectivity. Your mention of a dark empty room as your “happy place”, may represent your excessive individualization.

Suicide can be seductive, a place for your mind to wander to for comfort, the ultimate escape. Fantasizing about suicide, suicidal ideations offers a kind of last hope, under your control and kept just in case things prove too overwhelming. Suicidal Ideations as an adult is akin to wanting to run away as a child, you want to run away from life itself--- problems including. The idea of suicide seems like sweet fantasy, in a way you have romanticized it, peace. But there lies the conflicting feelings you have right now, clear-headed you know the consequences of a suicide. The aftermath is devastating, heartbreaking and your family will never be the same ever again. Is it wrong to assume that you don’t really want to kill yourself? It’s that you just want to disappear, get away so that you don’t have to deal with life? The danger lies that in the long run when desensitizing yourself towards death and suicide, some mischievous impulse leads you to down a bottle of pills, ultimately proving fatal…

Please do not take the advice of any person who says suicidal ideation is okay. The human mind is complex, in our practice of Psychiatry there is more to an issue than what is presented at face value. I understand that you have been diagnosed in the past, are you still seeing a Mental Healthcare Professional? If yes do address this issues to him or her as advice from anyone here on EC is no substitute for the advice and treatment that a competent and licensed Mental Healthcare Professional can accord you.

 

I guess it depends on WHY. Because sometimes I think it's fun to think about death.

More than one qualified medical processional says my dark thoughts are okay in moderation. My thoughts only get worse when I fight them. Of course, I've never had OCD (thought I did, but apparently I don't) so if OP's problem is related to his OCD... then he needs help with it.