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Age gap?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by starbucksshoote, Sep 8, 2015.

  1. starbucksshoote

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    Hey guys - so, a few weeks ago I hung out with a guy while he was in town for a few days - we got on really well, and while he's now gone back home (long distance), we're still chatting regularly.

    The thing is, there's quite an age gap between us - about 15 years. When we were hanging out, I treated it like a casual thing (our difference in ages made me discount the possibility of their being something more), but when he left, I discovered that I was really missing him.

    We've texted a fair amount over the past few weeks, and FaceTime'd some. He's planning a trip back here in the winter, and I'm looking at the possibility of flying down to visit him too. I'm still torn though as there remains that substantial an age gap between us.

    I've always been attracted to younger guys (my tastes and personality seems to jive better with them). A lot of folks my age (mid-30s) are more established - I didn't come out of the closet or accept my sexuality until really the last few years, so I'm at a different point in my life. As for my straight friends, they're mostly married and having kids, so my day to day friends are also mostly younger, too.

    He's about 20, says he's always liked older guys, and we've had some really fun times and good conversations over the past few weeks.

    So, I guess I'm at the stage where should I keep looking at this as only a "fun or now" situation, or have folks out there encountered relationships with larger age gaps that have worked? I think it's because he's only 20 that I'm more reticent to really go all-in for this. If he were 35 and I were 50, that wouldn't seem like quite as big a deal, but the different between 20 and 30 is much greater from a personal/stage perspective than someone in their early or mid-30s.

    Anyways, peoples thoughts would be very much appreciated. I know that we're both consenting adults - but that doesn't mean this is a really wise idea. It's only been a few weeks, so I'm still in that "crush" phase too, which may be clouding up my judgement too.

    Thanks - looking forward to reading what you think.
     
  2. rachael1954

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    Ah, the crush phase. I hear ya.

    You might just dig younger people. You seem very aware of the risks and differences in personal perspective of 20-year olds from 35-year olds, so your eyes are open. Doesn't mean you couldn't get hurt, though.

    I think it's worth a shot, though, if you find yourself pining for him. Maybe keep it "fun for now" emotionally if that's possible until you know more.

    We're marginalized enough by society so why put even more constrictions on ourselves? If we're gonna be gay, we might as well date whoever the he1l we want. My opinion.

    Full disclosure, I am usually attracted romantically to people about 10 years older than me.
     
    #2 rachael1954, Sep 8, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015
  3. warthog

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    My advice dear, is : run.

    speaking from experience, still heartbroken over a young turd.
     
  4. Monraffe

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    It could be that your initial interest in him was due to his young age but the fact that you now miss him indicates to me that you have moved past the initial attraction and like him for more personal and substantial reasons. You like him for who he is more than what he is. If that's true then you have to ask why you are doubting yourself. Is this really about age differences or is it about your fear of commitment? Have you been using your time in the closet all these years as an excuse to not get involved with people intimately? Maybe now is the time to put that to the test.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    I have a 17 year age gap between my partner and myself. We are heading towards our 2 year anniversary from when we first met shortly. He is in his late 20's and I am mid 40s. Maturity is a very big factor. If you are on equal emotional and maturity levels, then I see no issues.
     
  6. CodeForLife

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    I created a similar thread asking about this topic too if you want more people's opinions: When does age matter?
     
  7. Ivory James

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    I have friends of the family that have quite a large age gap and still have been married and have had kids for about 15 years. If you feel that you two connect than I would go for it, just know that the option of rejection is the same as with any other age. Also know that anybody's physical age doesn't matter nearly as much as there mental age, you should observe how you to act on that aspect, maybe mentally your act similar ages. Hope this helps
     
  8. Chip

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    It is quite common, judging from what we've seen here at EC over the years as well as other conversations I've had, to see guys, early in their coming out process, going after guys half their age.

    It is also almost always a really bad idea.

    No matter how mature this 20 year old is, the imbalance of power is nearly always going to be a showstopper in terms of the long-term stability of the relationship. You're well established in life, he's just starting his adulthood. Financial situations are nearly always different. Cultural and soclal values/circles are generally different. And various other issues as well. So it's nearly impossible for the relationship not to evolve into one where he's being mentored in some way, and that is almost never healthy for either of you.

    Another piece that often complicates matters is what the younger person is after. An emotionally healthy 20 year old is not going to be attracted to someone almost old enough to be his father, so that tends to create issues as well... and usually either those issues continue to play out, making for a dysfunctional relationship, or, as the younger person starts to become aware of the issues and get healthier, the older person ends up getting hurt.

    From the perspective of the older person coming out later in life, it's also not uncommon to (often unconsciously) vicariously live out the experiences he never had when he was a teen/young adult, and that, too, tends to create complicated and often unhealthy relationships.

    This isn't to say that such relationships can't ever be healthy, but when they are, that's very much the exception rather than the rule.

    So my suggestion would be put your energies elsewhere and find someone closer to your own age. Given all of the potential issues, I think you'll be a lot happier in the long run if you do.
     
  9. starbucksshoote

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    So, I know it's been a while since I posted on here, but I thought I'd close the loop on this.

    After about three months, of us texting and doing phone calls, he met someone else who lived closer to him (we mostly had a long-distance thing) and much closer to his own age.

    I'm not really surprised - and I'm happy for him, he's a good guy - and I knew in my heart that given the distance and the age gap (particularly the age gap), this was unlikely to work. I'm sad that it's over of course, but I went it expecting this to be the outcome (even if I hoped for better). I wish him well in his new relationship - he's a good guy who deserves a good guy who can be in his day-to-day life in person and who is in a similar stage of their lives.

    We're going to try and stay friends - always hard, but if it works it's nice to keep a friend - and after a couple days of being sad, I think I'll move on.

    I'd like the thank the folks who gave their advice and guidance on this - it was really appreciated. I think I do need to invest more time and energy into having a relationship with someone who is actually my own age and in a similar stage in their life. Thanks again for the support :slight_smile: