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Family comments hurt more now

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Antinous, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. Antinous

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    Hi everyone,

    Over the past several months, I have been dealing with a new realization that I'm probably gay (in my early 30s, out to no one). I remember my mum telling me and my siblings when we were little that she would accept us if any of us were gay, and our partners would be welcome at home. Fast forward a couple decades, and now I have several nieces and nephews, and I'm bothered and hurt by some little things that my mum says about them.

    One in particular sticks out in my mind: my nephew who is under 2 years really seems to like breasts, pointing them out in magazines, and giggling, etc. It's quite amusing to watch. But one afternoon, in reference to his breast obsession, my mum said, "There's certainly nothing wrong with him!", and I immediately had this sinking sadness. It was like a verdict that I was 'wrong' had been delivered from the unveneered heart of my mother. I'm certainly being over-sensitive about this, but I find it hard to deal with as questions about my sexuality are welling up in my mind. I'm afraid that if I do eventually fully accept my same-sex preferences, and go public about it, it will be met with only a superficial acceptance by those closest to me. After writing that last sentence, I can appreciate that I'm in a better position than a lot of people on EC who fear outright rejection. I suppose I've always tried to be 'the perfect son', but am really sad that I might break that by not being straight.
     
  2. Blue787Bunny

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    Hi :slight_smile: I've never had a "Mom/Dad I'm Gay!" moment. However when I started dating guys my parents somehow caught wind. Talked amongst themselves, my mom was ultimately tasked to talk to me and tell me "we love you just the same." BUT one moment of coming out doesn't change decades worth of brainwashing and mantras holding homosexuality as a sin, or any other stereotyped beliefs. We must accept the fact that they grew up in a different time and place. Were exposed to the AIDS Epidemic of the 1980s, which had a high percentage of Gay Men as sufferers. Different social norms, etc.

    Yes they may utter words which can be construed as homophobic in certain contexts. Their favorite is "Gays are ne'er-do'wells", but these aren't personally directed at me. I think there is just some hetero-cultural norm which uses "gays" as an off-hand remark, not really meant to directly insult a gay person, but are just that mindless comments. In my case even though my parents may utter such words, it doesn't change the fact that they love me and support me.

    I think that understanding has made me impervious to such comments. On a side note I strongly don't believe your mother meant it as a personal attack on you. It's just that a mindless off hand comment, referencing hetero-cultural norms she was brought up with.
     
  3. AKTodd

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    Of course I don't know what other things she's said, but your mother's comment (in and of itself) doesn't really strike me as being homophobic or unaccepting of LGBT people.

    It is entirely possible for someone to feel that there is nothing wrong with a little boy having a thing for breasts while also feeling that there is nothing wrong with someone being LGBT. In some sense the two things can be seen as apples and oranges since children so young are not generally seen as sexual beings in the first place.

    On a more general note, it is not humanly possible to be perfect, so I'd suggest learning to let go of that notion since all you're doing is setting yourself up for continual feelings of failure.

    Finally, I'd suggest continuing to work on accepting yourself as gay and, when you're ready, coming out to your mom, perhaps starting by reminding her of that conversation she had with you when you were a child.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  4. Antinous

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    @Blue787Bunny and @AKTodd thanks for your helpful replies.

    I completely agree that my mom's comment wasn't directed at me in any way. I just couldn't help but feel a cringe at that moment...in fact, I'm absolutely positive a made a wincing facial expression at the time.

    I think I am just sensitive at the moment because over the couple months, I've gone from being a 'non-practicing' (lol) straight guy, to being confused about my sexuality, to pretty convinced that I am predominantly gay.

    I appreciate the encouraging words that help me to put my mom's comments in perspective.