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What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Marty18, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. Marty18

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    After almost a year I posted about this here...I am falling into darkness again. I hate the way my body looks. I hate my smile. Nothing about me seems to be good. Everyone around seems to be better, happier, cooler. I have felt really happy just a few times this summer...at the pride parade and when I got very drunk...No matter what my boyfriend and friends say, I still feel this way. It will never end. I can't look at all those happy, perfectly styled, cool guys passing by with their pearl white teeth and wide smiles. They say TV made us feel like a crap when it comes to our bodies but that's not true. I don't need to compare with Elite models to feel like a freak. I can't look in the mirror without disgust. My life could be sooooooo great! If my spine was just a little straighter and so were my teeth....but they aren't. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up a body I want and move there. It seems I am the only one who thinks like this about my body...other's don't see what I see. I am perfectly imperfect and it ruins my life. Death doesn't seem so bad some days....but I wanna live....just not like this, what can I do?

    My boyfriend says me I look like a model, my best friend loves to shop for clothes with me trying different outfits on me. They like the way I look, but I can't share their opinions.

    Do I have a BDD or what? Would it still be a BDD if my body really was deformed? Is there a way how to get out from this? Or will I just fall futher to the point of no return?

    What's wrong with me?
     
  2. Blue787Bunny

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    Hi :slight_smile: You mentioned Body Dysmorphic Disorder, can I assume that you were diagnosed and sought treatment prior? Or is this a case of self-diagnosis? In discussing this and giving my insight I am in no way diagnosing you. My advice nor the advice of anyone from EC is no substitute for the advice and treatment a competent and licensed Psychiatrist can accord you.

    By text book definition BDD is in the category of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Spectrum, manifesting itself as a distressing or impairing preoccupation with an imagined or slight defect in appearance. Viewed as so severe as to impair quality of life, BDD can lead to social isolation and involves especially high rates of suicidal behavior. Is it still BDD if the body was really deformed? Well let’s look at it this way. To answer the question--- YES, in BDD a flaw in one’s appearance even in the slightest of sense, is to the perception of the sufferer--- severely exaggerated. But the problem lies wherein we need to align what is real and what is perceived. BDD is akin to an umbrella term wherein there exists variants (subtypes) to it. One being the Delusional Variant where the flaw is imaginary, meaning in reality aspect it is without basis. You may perceive and even believe that this flaw is present, when others around you such as you mentioned your Boyfriend, your Friend and other observers can reliably agree that the physical ‘‘defects’’ are nonexistent. Therefor it is imperative to seek Psychiatric advice and treatment as to ascertain, to make a distinction between the variants so as to accord you the beast treatment suited for your case.

    Moving forward…

    The BEST advice I can offer is that you seek Psychiatric advice and treatment. As you mentioned sometimes you feel as if death is not so bad. This reflects the fact which I stated that those who suffer from BDD have high rates of suicidal behavior. The danger lies wherein you desensitize yourself to the notion of death that eventually one mischievous impulse can suddenly lead you to chug down a bottle of pills and ultimately proving fatal. Or at the very least if your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity were to spiral further, it can lead to further isolation.

    I would like to share to you an exercise from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy--- First thing to do is to recognize the behavior, that is when your anxious (negative) thoughts are starting. Our Brain is pre-wired to focus on the negative aspect of things, specifically what hurts us. What I want you to do is the moment a negative emotion arises because of whatever situational trigger or if it just so happens spontaneously, quickly re-focus your mind on another thing, a positive thing. Do not entertain the negative thought playing through your mind and the accompanying negative emotions. Instead quickly redirect your focus on the good things around you, focus on whatever happy stuff is happening around you it may be music, your friend, your boyfriend, even the sweet things he says to you etc. Cultivate the positive emotion. Eventually this will teach and re-wire your brain to focus on the positive and thus elicit positive emotions.

    Also a good technique is to actually counter the negative thought (perception). As an example--- you look at yourself. You now right down your thoughts. (1) “I am a freak, I have a crooked spine and bad teeth”. Now redirect that negative thought into a positive more realistic assessment. Write down--- If I'm am a freak, had a crooked spine and bad teeth? Wouldn’t I have been locked up like Quasimodo in Notre Dame? I have a loving Boyfriend who finds me attractive! It must mean that I am a Beautiful/Handsome person. I am NOT deformed, I am NOT a freak. I am happy (about myself). Eventually this will teach and and re-wire your brain to focus on the positive and thus elicit positive emotions.

    I know it is not easy, it takes time, a lot of practice and perseverance. You are teaching yourself a new skill so be patient. I do hope you get better. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Marty18

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    I am very grateful you found time for this exhausting answer.

    I haven't been diagnosed with bdd, but I went to a psychiatric doctor when I was around 12 and recieved a diagnosis of anxiety, ocd, depression and signs of asperger's. I took antidepresants for about 2 years then. It didn't help. I went to see the doctor again in spring and told her about my current feelings, she just looked at me from every angle and said I was a good looking young man and that I should focus on studies instead of this. I haven't been there or at any other doctor since then.

    Yesterday I told what I wrote here to my best friend and he said that he didn't get why I feel this way that there is no reason. Once he told me "I wanna be happy as you are", I had to laugh. Maybe that's the same wih other people. They seem perfect until you get known them.

    I am always trying to remember that many different people can be seen as beautiful/handsome, not just one mainstream kind from media. I say to myself "look at Peter Dinklage,
    Shaun Ross or Winnie Harlow...they are different but beautiful and maybe even truly happy. It helps a little but not enough because I still have this feeling of "why me?"

    Interesting thing is the progress of my behavior. A few years ago I started to watch some youtubers, like Joey Graceffa or Mark Miller and Ethan Hethcote, I admired them back then and loved their videos....now I can hardly watch any of them because I feel so ashamed compared to them. They are flawless, at least when it comes to looks and the only thing I am able to do watching them is thinking how does it have to feel feel to be perfect like this and be aware of it.

    I think I will find a therapist or more friends, I don't no. Maybe I wasn't born for this society.