Halfway into my third week of college, it feels as though self-cataylzing events are going both "too fast" and "too slow" simultaneously. For example: after coming out to myself about two days ago, I still have a "straight" mentality, as if I'm just in a state of passive shock and that nothing has changed about me. But on the contrary, I've joined a bunch of clubs, madea bunch of accquaintances, and am decently keeping up with work and time commitments. But all of it feels so...empty. I mean, I've endured high school just to be able to enjoy the privilege of coming to college, but now that I'm here, the whole spark and enthusiasm I anticipated is gone, and I'm just flatlining? I don't expect each day to be all jovial and pleasant, but I've noticed a lack in them instead. I've kind of depersonalized from myself and I'm just going through the motions as I did in high school. Even after coming out to myself, I still feel a bit closeted due to the small size and fair lack of privacy in my college (for example, even with one or two LGBT clubs on campus there's not much of a minority group (which I am a part of) that identifies as LGBT). I get that there's a large opportunity for me to develop in terms of academics, but personally with my newfound identity? Not that much. I'm upset because it feels like I have to wait until after college in order to live a "free and independent" life that I want to aim for, and I've already begrudged high school. Now I may have to do it for college as well. I just don't get it. When does this cycle ever end?
