i met this girl almost a year ago thru a sortof wierd way but anyway ive hung out with her once since and i hella like her but she has a girlfriend and just keeps me hanging....she says she likes me.too but i can nvr tell..she says shes not happy with her girlfriend and says she likes me and wants to be with me..her girlfriend is very controlling of her and supposably abuses her physically and emotionally yet she wont leave her..shes her first love and.theyve been together since she was 14...she lives about two hours from me but wont ever let me.come see her again...the thing is she gets drunk and cries to me.saying that she wants to kill her herself and then says she took this or.that and then wont text me back for days later...this happens alot..idk what to do about this...she wont let.me.come get.her..she just stays there and puts up with it..i really love her tho i cant let her go and she has no family or friends that help her im the only one she has...i feel like shes playing games with me tho when she goes on about suicide then wont fukin talk to me when i just wanna make sure shes ok and when she finally does get back to me she talks as if nuthing even happened when this whole time im worried as hell about her...idk...shes 21 22 in a couple months im 26..i really care about her tho i just cant let her go and i feel like my life is meaningless when shes gone..what should i do?
I think you should straight up tell her that her behaviour is not okay. Talking about suicide/taking pills or hurting herself and then going no contact for days is incredibly rude and not on at all. I have had depression with suicidal thought but NEVER would I have done that type of things to anyone, especially not someone I cared about that's downright manipulative and mind-fucked. I would personally send her a long text saying something along the lines of '' Look, I think I have been there for you long enough. I tried to be supportive even though I do not always understand the choices you make and I obviously like you a lot, but I can't keep being treated the way you are treating me. It is not fair on me to have me worried sick about you killing yourself for days on end while you chose not to text me to tell me you are okay and then reappear like nothing happened. It is mind fucking and absolutely unfair on me. I want what's best for you but you need to reconsider your behaviour and consider the fact that your actions may be hurting me. " Obviously you would have to adapt the words to how you feel but that's probably something I would send to someone like her. I know how far love can make you go for someone but sometimes the people we love are toxic for us. I don't know if she is but I don't think she is any good for you at that day and time. She seems to lake maturity and she needs to sort her shit out. She is using you emotionally, having you hang in there with some sweet '' I love you's BUT'' and it's completely unfair. It's fine to be supportive of someone you love but they should be worthy of your support. This girl need help, but she has to be ready to seek it and accept it when it comes. I am not sure she is ready for it yet though.
OMG, I seriously have been through the same exact thing for the last 2 years! Except she was married to a man (she was actually straight, but lied and told me she was bisexual) She would never reply to any of my texts unless she wanted something, or was in a crisis. She told me we would be best friends forever. I secretly loved her more than a friend, but I was happy to have her in my life at all. She was 20 years older than me, but looked very young and beautiful. one of the most beautiful girls in the world I thought. She always had a new drama like every week, then she started getting really bad about threatening suicide, taking pills, shooting herself, she probably talked about suicide to me like 4 or 5 times since I knew her. I was a wreck, I couldn't focus on my job I was visably shaking and terrified, I would text her when I thought she was in trouble, she wouldn't reply, and a few days later would get back to me, and make up excuses, like doesn't want her hubby to read her texts. told me i was the only 1 she could trust and talk to anymore. I knew I had taken on this huge responsibility and It was too much, but I wasn't gonna let her down, I was her last hope. I finally called her (drunk) and told her she was killing me with these problems, I told her I still wanted her to come to me in time of need, but not to leave me hanging, told her I was getting ill over all of it and how much I cared about her. I told her not to keep our conversations a secret, because its shady. But I assured her I always wanted to hear from her when she needed me. But to ALWAYS update me. Well, she got really good about it. (for like 2 months) But when she was better I was so happy and over the moon. I actually had to go to therapy over a lot of this, because I didn't know what to do. the doc advised me to distance myself from her, of course I wouldn't do it. I would never bail on a friend, and I still stand by my decision, (even though she commited the ultimate betrayl). 2 months later, it was no longer excessive drama, but excessive head games. She started sending romantic texts, and hugging me real passionate. Told me I was all who mattered, and her biggest goal was finding someone like me...(but acted like that's what friends say) I started getting scared, I knew I loved her but didn't want to come between her and her marriage, that isn't me. I was just happy being best friends, I pushed down my feelings. then she told me how abusive her husband was, and after so many years, she hated him, and was leaving him in a few months, she told me me and her were gonna move and get a place together, and then ended the conversation. I got so giddy, I couldn't believe she loved me to. Then my head was spinning. (I wasn't even out of the closet) But I started thinking about what living with her would be like, cooking dinner for her when she came home from work, and asking her to marry me, and cuddling all the time, I loved her so much. But then she started not replying to me. Then I have a huge breakdown thinking im this terrible person for being bi, and loving a married woman, I felt like a failure as a friend. I just lost it and called her, telling her how terrible I am, and wanted her to be there for me. Then she started pressuring me, more and more, then made me feel safe..i only wanted to come out to her. but then told me being that was a choice, and she started grilling me on who the girl was, and I didn't want to tell her. then I gulp and tell her it was her. she got super silent and weirded out, I tried to back track, but she wasn't having that. She lied to me about everything, just to get attention. I'm positive she told many people I'm a "fag" and a "home wrecker". Which was not the case at all. the main thing I wanted was our friendship to survive. it happened a while ago, im hurt but I still love her, we are no longer in touch, went our own ways I didn't think I could live without her but if I could do it all again, I wouldn't have done anything differently, because I don't quit on my friends, no matter what (but I wouldn't have told her how I felt though) I wish I had some advise, but I gues I just typed this to show your not alone. I really hope your situation works out. But I bet if you tell her you still want to be there for her, but just tell her not to leave you hanging, I think things will get better. it did for me in that sense (its just that she started up-ing the pressure on the fake romantic feelings, that screwed us up) but I think if you tell her "I'll still be there for you, always. But you really need to keep me updated, I'm serious, I'm loosing my mind over this, I have feelings to, I've been getting sick over this. I care a lot about you and want you to be happy and safe.. You can always come to me, but don't tell me something then run off, I need to know you are okay, or don't say anything at all"
thanks for the replys guys she called me last night and excepted that it wasnt cool i told her how i felt..we talked for like an hour and although her gf was there the whole time and it made me feel alittle wierd i was just glad that she was ok and i got to talk to her...man it sux i wish i could swoop her away but she wont let me and if she did i have nowhere to take her to i live with my parents and my sister and her kids live here too...ive considered moving out cuz i have the money but idk if she would let me take her and if i did would she look back.and miss her gf and it affect our relationship...i love this girl like ive never loved anybody before...shes my whole world and the reason why i keep fighting...im almost three months sober and its hard as fuk but like her i was suicidal as well..maybe thats why i love her so much she reminds me of myself... im.sorry metalchick that sounds really tough but if its how u felt and.u told her i give you mad props its better to let it out about how u feel about her and take the chance than.to never kno...and by u telling her u were being real and a real friend not hiding anything...if she was a real friend she wouldnt have ran away she wouldve except u for it but just tryed to work with u on seperating the love from the friendship...it takes so much time..for me it does anyway i.never was able to..this girl knew she knew how i.felt about her and.i told her i wanted to try to be her friend cuz i didnt want to come between the relationship between her and her.gf..she stuck around thank god cuz every girl in my life before was like that girl u described..they all ran away from me..it did.damaging things to my confidence and created alot of.insecurities..i guess i finally got lucky and found a girl who excepted me regardless and even.tho my feelings continue to grow for her i can sumtimes slowly pull my feelings out of it..im to the point that if she wanted me gone i would be instantly and i could close myself off just as quickly..but she wont.let me go and so i aint letting her go either...i do want more with her and she knows and says she likes me alot alot too so i guess its all just a waiting game...yes its hard as fuk but what can i do i fukin love her..whether its healthy or not i dont kno...it is painful often but its slowly getting better..the fact that she excepted her actions makes me feel so good shes getting.it but theres things we still need to work on..like this damn distance... ---------- Post added 25th Sep 2015 at 01:19 PM ---------- ps..i kno how u feel when u said its affecting ur work and stuff...im so sorry dude i can seriously.empathize cuz i know EXACTLY how u feel...this girls got.me the same way....ur not alone and thanx for showing.me.im not either
ok.so heres the new thing..we were good like all day then i started to feel sortof like u guys kno that feeling when u just want to feel like sumbody cares about u? well i started to feel like that and idk i guess i just wanted.to feel like she cares, im always there for her when she needs me.and.i guess i wanted to feel that from her...well that night.she got drunk i was feeling pretty down and just wanted her to talk to me about it like idk i wanted her to feel like she cares and wants to cheer me up but when i text her how i was feeling and we were talking back and.fourth before that but after i told her that i didnt hear back from her till over an.hour later and thats when she was drunk..it was as if.she didnt want to deal with me and.the fact that i too have problems so maybe i drove her to drink idk...neways today i started to feel kinda like that like i just want to feel shes there for me and again its as if she just doesnt care..ud think if she cared about.me.she would want to know whats bothering.me right? but neway i left it.at that i didnt text her anymore becuz im starting to feel im in the wrong..i.understand she has a gf and.maybe thats why she.dont give a shit about me cuz she loves her and.im just a friend so i kno i have.no room for these emotions i just feel like idk what to do..i cant leave her yet shes tearing.me apart...i wish she would WANT to see me but she doesnt...why does she keep me around then...well idk maybe im just her.comfort when.things are horrible with her gf but.when theyre good im not that important..its just not fair...she knows she.means the world to me yet its as if thats just a compliment..i mean idk if she.just wants me to be like.how guys are "supposed" to be and be strong.for the both of us, hiding my emotions and.just being there for her but i just feel like i have feelings too and i want to feel loved and like im worth sumthing to her..yet i guess since im just a "friend" to her im supposed to be ok with everything...like what am i supposed to say if one day she wants me to meet her gf..here she is telling me.how unhappy she is and that bitch is.the cause and im supposed to treat this girl with the same respect i would anybody else i just meet...like hell fuk nah...i got way too much self dignity and pride for that shit...but the thing is that her being more open to.her gf about me the more i feel im moving into this permenant friend zone but she teases me and.tells me.things that are pretty intimate, like that she.loves me...not to mention we had sex already...fuk idk i kno this whole thing is a fuked up mess and maybe i am stupid for buying into it but its as if this fukin hope in.the back of.my mind when she says certain things keeps me hangin onto the idea...
