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My emotions are playing tricks on me

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spirits, Sep 26, 2015.

  1. Spirits

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    Hi,
    Idk how to start this, but..
    I'm Gay , single , virgin , Muslim and Arabian.
    I live in a homophobic country,
    My parents are so religious,
    My male "friends" are straight and probably homophobic,
    And homosexuality is literally illegal where I live (could lead to 3 years in jail+ total humiliation)

    While growing up , I also knew that I was different from everyone else,
    For starts, I mostly hang out with girls when I was at school cos I wasn't that much into sports and "physical contact"
    My first "male crush" was during my 5th grade , I had no sexual feelings back then ,I just wanted to spend all my time with him , maybe cos he looked so good? Idk , I was still a kid, but I always tend to find excuses to hold his hands or put arm around him cos it felt so good.
    Back then I didn't even know that there is such thing as Homosexuality, so I just thought that that's how it feels to have a good friend (which we weren't , it was totally 1 sided)

    When I hit puberty at 9th grade, those feelings became much more powerful , I found that some of my classmates were really hot and I just fantasized about seeing them naked , I was never interested into talking about girls unlike every other kid in my class, I simply couldn't relate to those conversations so I simply never hanged out with my "male class mates" cos that was the only thing they talked about , and instead I would hang out with girls , which wasn't a good idea as few months later every boy in my class noticed that I wasn't into girls , so they started bullying me and saying that I'm either a child or gay.of course I didn't even know that such thing existed, so I came to the assumption that I was a freak , and sick , and from that point I started repressing my feelings and "acting straight" , but that didn't work , so I simply became antisocial so that no 1 would notice anything wrong about me.
    I never accepted the fact that i'm attracted to men and not women , I always thought it was wrong and a "sin". But I had nothing to do about it , I started watching gay porn to feel better about myself , but then I end up feeling guilty, and even then , I kept convincing myself that I'm straight and that this was just a "phase".

    However , this summer , everything changed once I traveled to France for a month, as I met this guy who I found really attractive and sexy , we became friends , we met everyday and he took me to great places to hangout and such.
    I felt in love with him , I had strong feelings towards him , but I simply couldn't do anything about cos I was still not out to myself yet.
    I did however plan on coming out to him before I travel back home , I even fantasized about kissing him and sleeping together.
    Unfortunately "as always" , things didn't go according to plan as a week before I leave France he introduced me to his girlfriend. And my god I was so frustrated, I felt jealous of his girlfriend , I was supposed to be his special some 1 , and not her .
    From that moment , I hated him "I was so emotional" , I wanted him to be mine :frowning2:
    And that's when I decided to come out to myself, and it felt so great, everything became so clear and I was never happier than that.
    I even started to care more about my body (I went from pants size 54 to size 48 in just 1 month and I'm now on my way to 46 -> EUR measurements)
    But then , I felt lonely again. so I came out to my 2 best female friends , it felt so good!
    Their reaction was better than I expected as I was greeted with hugs and kisses for telling them I'm proud of being gay , and now we bonded even more.

    However, that happiness did not last for long due to whats happening around me ,
    it seemed that homophobia got even worse , as the staff of the only LGBT organisation that actually exists in this country were harassed, raped, humiliated in the media and some of them were thrown in jail.
    And then , last month , the government established a new law against homosexuality which only concerned men , as those who are suspected of being gay were forced to either admit so or have their virginity checked by a doctor , which meant that they will be thrown in jail and humiliated for 1 to 3 years if they were indeed Gay.

    And that's why I'm so terrified right now , yet on the same time I'm happy , I'm so out to myself that I can't even deny not being gay (which is both good and bad)
    as some bi girl did in fact ask me if I was straight and I simply answered "I don't know" cos I didn't know what to say and wasn't ready to come out to anyone else.
    Also , I'm now convinced that being gay is not a sin , and it's something natural , I'm in fact proud of being gay and being unique , I'm proud for being who I am , I'm even following my own religion the way I think is right , and I should feel good about that,
    But I'm not , I want more , since I truly came out to my self my sexual needs got buffed up , I would kill for a a kiss, just 1 kiss , I need love , I want a boyfriend , I want to hug him and never let go , I'm just feeling so lonely right now.
    Actually , I don't know how to feel , a day I feel so happy and an other I feel so lonely,
    I really , really need love but I can't have it , and it's just making me feel much worse, as I must focus on my studies instead , but I can't.

    Sometimes I think , maybe I could come out to my mother , but then I remember that I can't , as if I do so my life could literally be ruined, and that's a risk I'm not ready to take.
    So my plan is to stay in the closet until I move to college cos I need my parent's financial support in that , I'm literally lieing to my parents just to finish my studies and leave this country and become independent.
    This Also does make me feel bad! I feel like a bad kid , thinking about myself , even though I should.

    Anyway , that's considered as no big deal when I compare it to the fact that i'm dieing for love!
    I want a boyfriend , or at least , some 1 to kiss , just 1 kiss would help me move on and focus on my studies =.= , it's even haunting my dreams , i'm dreaming about this mysterious boyfriend literally everyday, I even fantasized an entire scenario of us getting to his room , kissing , fore playing then getting down to business.
    why do I feel like a bad person?
    and why do I have this urge of getting a boyfriend?
    why can't I just forget about all that like how i used to do and just focus on my studies? >.<
    Please help me!
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I wish I had some meaningful and actionable suggestions for you, other than words of support and encouragement. But here are some ideas to consider that are more long term oriented:

    In the first instance, it breaks my heart to read about your situation. Living in a homophobic country with such laws puts unfortunate barriers to living openly. And you would be putting yourself at undue risk if you opened up. So as you know, you need to be careful.

    I would imagine there are others in a very similar situation as yours. I wonder if you have tried to find underground LGBT groups in your country? Maybe through online web sites? If you are able to cautiously find others that you can share your experience with, that may provide some support.

    Next, start thinking about the long game, as it seems you have been. Your right to want to focus on your studies; and then use your studies to get accepted to a university abroad if your financially able to (or look for scholarships). You might be distracted over the next few years, but push yourself to stay focused. Studying abroad can open a world of opportunity if you can make that happen.

    At the same time, EC is such a great resources. You can confidentially meet others, share experiences, and try and live vicariously through others on EC.

    I wish I had better advice, but know that my thoughts are with you.
     
  3. Spirits

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    The only LGBT organization in this place has had its staff harassed,beaten up and at some occasions raped if they were lesbians , some were even thrown in jail.
    So it's really not a good idea to actually get close to this organization , at first I had my hopes up that I will finally be able to get some professional help from those who care about LGBT , but now It just seems as a bad idea as I don't want to be accused for being gay and getting my ruined for it.

    Also , there is this 1 bi girl in my class that I'm still not ready to come out to her yet, cos, I don't know her well yet . She did however ask me if I was straight and I replied "I don't know" .I didn't want to tell her that I'm gay, cos she is out to almost every one at my school and she does have some gay and lesbian and bi friends. and that will only raise the suspicion of me being gay.

    PS: unlike gay men , lesbian women are not considered as a big deal.
    Maybe it's cos I'm living in a "macho" world. Idk.


    As for now , I can't really focus on my studies , cos I became so weak emotionally and I just need love.
    And it's irritating me , cos I know I should study harder >.<
     
  4. Spirits

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    I don't know what to do! QQ
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Hi Spirits - first off, you sound like you need a hug - so (*hug*)

    Second, I'm very sorry you're going through this. But hang in there. You need to focus on the future, focus on what you need to do to build the future you want.

    Your profile says you're 18 - I don't know how they do things in your country, but here that would mean that you were done or nearly done with basic schooling and would be going on to college or other adult stuff soon. So, some questions for you:

    1) How much longer do you have until you can go to college?

    2) Are you planning to go to college in another country? If so, is it possible you could go to somewhere in Europe, the United States, or Canada for college? Any of these places are going to be much more accepting than your home country.

    Regarding your questions below:

    Because most human societies condition their members to be truthful and to be 'respectful' (which often equals subservient) to their parents. Most of us are taught from an early age that we should feel guilt if we are not or think we are not doing these things.

    In truth, parents are merely human. They have problems, they make mistakes, and their have secrets - just like every body else. Once you understand that parents are only human and that the guilt you feel is just a made up thing invented by society to try to control the people living in it - it can get a bit easier.

    Because most (but not all) human beings are very social creatures who want/need companionship, affection, and love.

    Because it isn't natural or healthy to suppress feelings and hide who we truly are. Having to do it all the time is causing you stress. Imagine you were trying to hold up something heavy. You might be able to do it for a long time - but ultimately you are going to get tired - your muscles will start to get tired, you will start to shake, you will start to hurt - and eventually you will need to put the weight down.

    However, there may be times and places where we have to hold up that weight because the consequences of not doing so, or not putting it down in just the right way, can hurt us.

    And you deserve love. But in order to get to a place where you have the chance to find love, you have to be strong and stay focused right now so you can go to college outside of your part of the world.

    I know it won't help completely, and I'm sorry, but you might try the following:

    a) Focus on the future - How much longer you have to go until you can get out of your present situation. And count down to the day you get to leave.

    b) Focus on your studies - they are the path to get you out of where you are now so you can go somewhere to be yourself.

    c) Find something to channel your energy into - do you exercise? Do they have gymnasiums or something in your country? Maybe take up weight lifting or running or boxing or martial arts. Find something you like that you can pour your energy and your frustration into. It will distract you a bit - and is good for your health. And it gives you something to do to fill some of the time until you can leave.

    d) Stay on EC - a lot of folks here have been in similar situations to you and are happy to talk and listen. Some members are also from your part of the world, although I'm not sure who is active right now. But hopefully some are around and will see this and can offer support with a closer understanding of how things are where you live. But everyone here, regardless of where they come from is prepared to offer support and advice if they think it will help.

    Take care and all the best (*hug*)

    Todd
     
  6. Spirits

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    I do indeed need a hug:icon_redf
    Thank you,
    Where I live , Highschool is 4 years , so basically this is my senior year and I should graduate in 9 months from now.
    And yes, I'm planning to study abroad, that's why I must maintain a super clean profile with my parents , cos I will need their financial support whether I get a scholarship (highly unlikely) or not.
    And yes, my destination is OBVIOUSLY western Europe or north america (Canada/ US)
    But the lack of concentration that I've been experiencing lately is scarring the hell out of me , cos if I don't graduate with a good score I will have to study at a local university for 3 years , just so that I can be legible for applying at a European/Canadian/US university as a " freshman".

    So...
    I must get over my feelings somehow for the remaining 9 months.
    I would go check a psychiatrist or a life coach to help me on that , but LGBT friendly professionals are myth where I live, unfortunately.
    So , Online help is the best thing I could come up with.
    It feels good knowing that I have some people who could relate to me, even in the slightest way.
     
    #6 Spirits, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  7. PatrickUK

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    When we feel trapped in a situation, like you are in, it's easy to lose ourselves and look at things in a very narrow way as we become more and more depressed. Remaining focused on the bigger picture is absolutely vital now and for you the bigger picture will be borne out over the next nine months.

    You can look at the next nine months as an ordeal to get through or you can regard it as another important stage on your personal journey to freedom and a life with a positive future. If you look at it from a purely negative [narrow] perspective you will become really bogged down with it all and struggle to achieve, because negativity breeds more negativity, but if you turn it around and view the next nine months as a stepping stone and part of your journey it can and should make a difference.

    All of the questions that you asked towards the end of your original posting are better addressed when you are settled in a more open and tolerant society where you can begin to fully explore your sexual identity. When you have that freedom the answers may become much clearer.

    Stay with us because we can offer you a safe outlet for any difficult feelings over the next nine months. (*hug*)
     
  8. Spirits

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    Thank you <3
    That's a good way to look at my situation , from now on I will start doing so.
    I just can't wait to feel free and be myself again (childhood was the only good part about my life)
    And yes , I will sure stay in this forum cos it sounds like a healthy thing to do , expressing my self to other LGBT people who could somehow relate to me.


    Ps: I will start going to the gym nextwekk,
    Since I came out to myself I started to take care of my health , lol I was so overweight cos I used to always go to food to fill this empty hole of anxiety in my heart, fortunately now I have nothing to repress , so I took a healthier lifestyle^^
    and I'm now a vegetarian (cos of animal cruelty)
    I eat twice a day and fast twice a weak.


    in 1 month my pants size went from 54 to 48 (EUR measurements)
    so now going the gym would be a really good idea to help me lose even more weight and get fit.
     
    #8 Spirits, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  9. PatrickUK

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    Going to the gym and eating well, will also be beneficial to you from an emotional perspective, so do keep it up.
     
  10. AKTodd

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    Hey - sounds like you're doing intermittent fasting - me to:thumbsup:

    I only eat twice a day between noon and 8pm and then don't eat anything the rest of the day and night (I sleep through a good chunk of that of course - which is why I like this method). Not a vegetarian, but doing a modified paleo diet - no wheat, no grains, no dairy, avoid processed food and eat mainly high protein and low carbs. Not losing weight super fast, but losing pretty steadily. About 16 pounds (7-8kg) lighter than when I started.

    The gym can be a good way to ease stress and watching yourself get more fit can be a positive as well.

    Keep up the good work:eusa_clap

    Todd
     
  11. Gravity

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    Hi there, and welcome to the site! :slight_smile:

    To start off - no, I don't think you're a bad person at all. It sounds like you've been through a lot and made a lot of progress already, and you deserve to feel good about yourself for that. Even regarding your parents, you obviously care about them and are sensitive to the fact that they're supporting you, so I wouldn't even say you have much to feel badly about there. At root, you're watching out for your own safety and your own comfort - those are natural and important things.

    And, like you say, you'll be going off to college soon, and you'll be able to meet people there - the end is in sight! I'm sure there will be good days and bad days, but you have your way forward. Hang in there! Keep posting and feel free to write any time. :thumbsup:
     
  12. Spirits

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    I never been to gym before , so this will be exciting xD
    Though , I'm kinda afraid as I don't know how it will be like , they said that I will have a personal trainer , whom I really hope it will be a female coach . cos I'm sure I'm gonna pass out if it's an other buffed up man ._. (I wouldn't mind it though)

    And yea : I don't eat carbs Either (mainly bread and potato) nor processed food.
    Basically , if I can't read that ingredient , I'm not gonna eat it xD
    -> yes , I'm doing the fast diet.
     
    #12 Spirits, Sep 27, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2015
  13. Anonymous

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    Your story is truly heartbreaking. Unfortunately, most people don't even think about what happens in homophobic countries if their own is tolerant. I am giving you all of my love and plenty of virtual hugs(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    You mentioned that studying abroad takes up to three years of studying in your home country before you can apply to be a freshman. If you don't think that you can wait that long, immigration is always an option. I know that you can apply for refugee status in Canada if you feel your life is in danger due to your status as LGBTQ+, but you might want to look in to the details before making any decision. Also, it is advised you hire a lawyer for this situation and I don't know about the availability of queer friendly law firms in your country. I know it does sound like an extreme option to move countries, however if you fear for your emotional well-being than maybe it's time to consider some big options.

    We are all here to love and support you <3
     
  14. Spirits

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    thank you for your support <3

    Anyway, like you said , LGBT friendly professionals (doctors/lawyers) do not exist in here,
    in fact , if I go to either one of them and let them know that I'm gay I will be shoved in prison, so if I ever need to get a lawyer he must not know my sexual orientation.

    Anyway, I'm working on leaving , Let's see if I could get grades that are good enough for me to be accepted at university outside this country , if that doesn't work , I will just try and follow your plan which is immigration like you said, it shouldn't be that hard with my current profile (diplomas and awards and such)

    Believe me when I say that I will do anything to get out of here lol. and I must do it soon cos I don't know for much longer I can stay in the closet and hold my emotions >.<
    You don't know how badly I need a boyfriend right now :frowning2: