i really dont know anymore

You say you have always been depressed, but what exactly do you mean by always? Do you mean you cannot remember a time when the darkness of depression wasn't present in your life (even in early childhood)?

One of the enduring features of depression is apathy and lethargy -- a constant feeling of tiredness and loss of motivation that never abates, but at some point, in the midst of that you did meet your boyfriend and that brought a certain amount of joy back into your life. What was it that motivated you (despite the depression) to pursue a relationship with your boyfriend? Do you think you could tap into that motivation again and channel it into other areas of your life to lessen the load?

I know there are a number of questions there, but it would be good if you can tell us a little bit more. With a bit more information we might be able to offer more help or support.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through such an experience. You keep mentioning "Depression" can I assume that you have been properly DIAGNOSED by a Mental Health Professional? Or are your just using the term generally? If indeed you have depression please seek immediate Psychiatric help from a competent and licensed Psychiatrist. He or she may accord you the proper treatment that suits your condition. Please do. Yes truth be told your spiritual belief and your "guy" has served to lessen your feelings of depression and suicidal ideations because these are what we call Social Controls. If indeed the eventual happens and he is gone. It is best that you turn to your other friends and family, strengthen the relationships. With the loss of one support system others must take its place.

Suicide can be seductive, a place for your mind to wander to for comfort, the ultimate escape. Fantasizing about suicide, suicidal ideations offers a kind of last hope, under your control and kept just in case things prove too overwhelming. Suicidal Ideations as an adult is akin to wanting to run away as a child, you want to run away from life itself--- problems including. The idea of suicide seems like sweet fantasy, in a way you have romanticized it, peace. But there lies the conflicting feelings you have right now, clear-headed you know the consequences of a suicide. The aftermath is devastating, heartbreaking and your family will never be the same ever again. Is it wrong to assume that you don’t really want to kill yourself? It’s that you just want to disappear, get away so that you don’t have to deal with life? By far, suicide is the greatest failure. When you kill yourself, you never give yourself the opportunity to grow, to get stronger, to write a great story with your life, and to experience hope and love from people in your life. You are worth so much more than just being a quitter.

I would like to share to you an exercise from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy--- First thing to do is to recognize the behavior, that is when your depressive thoughts are starting. Our Brain is pre-wired to focus on the negative aspect of things, specifically what hurts us. What I want you to do is the moment a negative emotion arises because of whatever situational trigger or if it just so happens spontaneously, quickly re-focus your mind on another thing, a positive thing. Do not entertain the negative thought playing through your mind and the accompanying negative emotions. Instead quickly redirect your focus on the good things around you, focus on whatever happy stuff is happening around you it may be music, your beautiful house, even the thoughts of being able to live on your own etc. Cultivate the positive emotion. Eventually this will teach and re-wire your brain to focus on the positive and thus elicit positive emotions.

Again I would like to reiterate the importance of seeking professional help. Please see a competent and licensed Psychiatrist who may accord you the treatment you need such as medications and therapy. And remember call for help when you feel suicidal, ANY HELP--- Call a Suicide Hotline, a Family, A Friend, anyone willing to listen and help. It doesn't make you any less of a person. If anything it makes you BRAVE because you choose to fight on instead of choosing a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

 

If you "don't like" the medication, have you been taking it regularly (as prescribed)? Have you addressed all these issues with your Mental Healthcare Professional? If you aren't pleased or contented with the treatments and therapy you receive. Perhaps you can look for an alternate Mental Healthcare Professional who can work better with your issues.