Well it seems a bit cliche but I think I'm at the root of the problem. I'm ashamed to be gay. Rather I'm ashamed to be that way in public. It's always awkward when I see I guy that catches my eye and I could not be more obvious about the whole thing. But at the same time, when I see any portrayal of a gay relationship (man on man) I'm caught between two emotions. On the one hand it feels right in a way, and I really want it. But on the other hand it just seems so wrong. I guess that's why my last relationship failed. I was nervous about public displays of affection or even holding hands. I got caught between wanting and not wanting him, and ended up just using him as some sort of crutch. Even when we were in bed together it felt so wrong, but right also. I could never fully get into it. I was afraid to admit anything close to love because it would confirm something about me. That likely how I came to dislike the community. Because I am ashamed of that aspect of me, and seeing everyone else being ok with it just made me bitter. I'm sure aspergers didn't do me any favors during the whole thing anyway. It's like I'm pulled in two directions and I don't know where to go.
I can relate a bit. I've accepted that I'm gay and I'm ok with being gay. I don't want to change that. I wouldn't say I'm ashamed to be gay, but a part of me is embarrassed about it. I've been in the closet for so long, and I was raised in a home where being gay is shameful. I don't like being the center of attention. I also put value on myself based what other people think of me and it always feels like so much of the world frowns upon homosexuality. With all that said, I feel...I guess vulnerable and shy about any public display of same sex affection. But then again, it seems so gaudy when I see straight couples eating each other in public. You know, "get a room you two!" But! If I were in a relationship, any fear of casually showing my affection in public is just something I'd want to overcome. I want to feel ok about it. Like holding hands. Or a kiss. But see, I've accepted I'm gay, and I'm trying to move forward from that point. From your post, it seem like you're weary to completely accept you're gay. Any thoughts as to maybe why? Upbringing or personal world views? I don't know. But I would start with that perhaps? And are there any specific aspects of your Aspergers you think would hinder self acceptance or just getting in the way of enjoying the gay side of things?
Take a read of this thread where I reflect similar issues and thoughts: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192071-internalized-homophobia.html hope you find it helpful.
