Repeating my emotions?

"The past week I've looked back and feel I'm just posting a lot of the same things". -Gamer4now

Yeah, I have a few posts on the same subject and sometimes I end up repeating myself a lot. It can feel like when I've just gotten over something I end up back at the beginners line again, like nothing's even changed.

"I'm sad, depressed lonely, hurt, not understood, etc etc".-Gamer4now

Yeah I used to be quite depressed before, people would always have a go at me for it because I was supposedly bringing others down by being sad. Well I'm sorry I have emotions jeez. Anyways... I know it can be tough and it can feel like there's nothing worth doing.

"so I'm trying to sum all of this up right now and really reaching out for help from you all". -Gamer4now

Hopefully I can offer some useful help that may benefit you. Or at least I'll try.

"I'll start with my current situation. So I'm on my fall break and everything's fine and dandy but I still feel like there's a "haze or mist" in my brain clogging up my happiness". -Gamer4now

I get this as well where my head feels cloudy and I can't concentrate and I feel really down for some reason.

"I know it sounds weird but I feel there's always something holding me back telling me to do or not to do. my decisions have almost become subconscious and its driving me insane" -Gamer4now

May I ask, what is it that you feel you are holding yourself back from? I used to feel like this, that I had no control over my actions. And in a way it's true in some areas like feeling attraction since you can't control that. It might help if you give yourself some context though, what topic is it that you feel this way on?

"Problem number two- loneliness ,I don't have many friends or fit in to any group". -Gamer4now

Yeah, I know the feeling. But you don't have to fit exactly into a group, I found most groups I've been in I've always been the odd one out. But I found a few people I could relate to in the end. As it stands, I have about four close friends and one of them I haven't talked to in ages. They don't really know each other very well though and the live in different areas. I had another post on EC where I talked about feeling jealous of my friend's happiness, where I saw my friend's videos on YouTube and seeing them be so happy with their group of friends.

I really wish I had friends like that when I was younger, my old friends were always fighting and arguing with each other and we never had that sense of being a group or clan really. I still wish I had a group but I'm glad I have a few close friends that I get to hang out with (but not usually at the same time) and who really get me. It's quality not quantity when it comes to friends, but I wish we would hang out outside of College more and I miss hanging with my old friends. Plus I have a few friends who are guys, but I know I can't really hang out with them since I'm not out to my parents yet.

I'm actually surprised my friend got to hang out with his group really, since most of his friends were (and possibly still are idk) girls and I don't think he was out at that point ( he's gay) but different rules for different households I guess. I mean I've never asked to have a friend who's a guy round before but I don't think my parents would allow it because they still think I'm straight.

"I read and that's mostly it". -Gamer4now

Well at least you have hobbies, I have no idea what to do with my time these days. :bang:


"I feel content when I read but I still have this longing to be with someone else". -Gamer4now

Well I think we all like our downtime now and then (some more than others) but we humans are social creatures after all so naturally people tend to crave social interaction with others. Perhaps joining a group of your interest might help? It could be a good way to meet new people. Maybe you could start a book club perhaps?

"It's hard to fit in and be a you that's not actually you, and that's probably how it always will be".-Gamer4now

Yeah I used to feel that way when I was in the closet, I was always worried. What if my friends find out the whole truth? How will they react? Will they still be my friends? Were they my friends to begin with and not to the person they thought I was? These questions were constantly running through my mind and it made me feel a lot less comfortable having them around because of it.

As for fitting in, I can't really help you much there. I've never really fit in either, and I've always sort of floated between groups and then thrown out and replaced when they found someone cooler than me. This kept happening and it was the same guy who kept one replacing me and forcing me out of the group, so I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and where I did belong I could easily be replaced and that I didn't matter. It started to make me feel slightly depressed really, that among other things.

"Now for my life at home"- Gamer4now

Here it comes. I've been fairly lucky since I've never had any problems at home (except fairly minor things). But none the less, I'm going to try my best and offer any advice or general input I can here on the subject at hand. :smilewave

"Where do I begin... My stepdad is a *insert any foul language noun* that's right there's no one on earth to begin to compare my utter hatred and frustration with this foul man. First of all he's a control freak, always having to know what we're doing at all times and will even go out of his way to find that out". -Gamer4now

My sister's like this to some extent, I feel like I have no privacy sometimes. She reads my diary and she's always asking what I'm doing and telling me what groups I can and cannot join and she has nightmares sometimes where I make terrible life decisions (she's told me about them and then gone on to rant about not doing the things I did in her dream, like joining the science group because she's worried I would get bullied if I did but I didn't even want to join the science group, if there even was one). I can't blame her though since she got bullied before and she's just worried about my safety.

I know if I told her about the fact I wear a rainbow bracelet at College she would probably lose her cool about it (My family don't even know I have the bracelet, since I made it myself secretly, never mind wear it).


"It's hard enough I have to live with him but I also can't say a word about him, imagine living with someone for 2 years and hating every second of it without even a hand to squeeze". -Gamer4now

Damn, that sounds tough. Are you sure you don't have anyone you could speak to? Like a school counsellor perhaps? Or could you not get help without him knowing? Is that the issue?

"I've also started to not eat because of him, he always watches me when I'm making food or any food related actions and it really discourages me and makes me ask if he thinks I'm fat or am I in trouble I feel like I have a second personality around this man". -Gamer4now

This is beginning to trouble me here. Have you ever asked him that? If so what did he say? I'm not a great fan of eating with others around either (but I'm ok with it), is there any way you can eat on your own? I feel like you should talk to someone about this, if you're starting to not eat properly then this could become a very serious issue.

"My thoughts-This may sound awful but I want to run away and or end all of this. My life is beginning to lose its light at the end of the tunnel".-Gamer4now

When you say that you want to "end all of this", you don't mean you're considering suicide right? Please, hang in there. (*hug*) If you are seriously considering suicide then you NEED to call a helpline or seek help in some way. I hope things get better for you. (*hug*) Stay strong, chances are you have a lot to offer this world.

"For me there is no end to this suffering no end to me being distraught and unhappy. I can't help but feel anywhere would be better than where I am now, and what I did to deserve this shit. There's ultimately nothing I can do to get out of here that doesn't cause physical or emotional damage to me and others".-Gamer4now

I'm so sorry. My condolences go out to you. I hope things get better, and hey for what it's worth you've still got the rest of us here at EC to talk to about things. I wish you the best of luck.

 

"First question you asked what is it I'm holding back from?- I feel it's mostly suffering, I'm not a risk taker at heart I will take the safe path rather than the quicker one".-Gamer4now

I'm the same, for the most part I don't like taking risks but I sometimes try and push myself out my comfort zone occasionally- but not with food since I'm a really picky eater. But I digress....

"It's just that I'd rather stay in the position I'm in rather than have a chance at being happy even thought in the end it might be alright".-Gamer4now

Yeah, I can understand that. You'd rather be safe than be happy, and that's a difficult situation for someone to be in. It might get easier when you're financially independent though, and generally when you get older since you'll get more freedom with things, in most cases anyway.

"2) Why not join a club/ start one?- Yes I've heard this many times but I always seem to attract the wrong attention my school is full of arrogant jocks and everyone else falls into line after them making anyone who stands out a target".-Gamer4now

I see. Well you could always join a club outside of school perhaps? I suppose it depends what you have available in your local area and what you have in mind. Honestly I'm struggling for hobbies and clubs to join as well. I've done ballet, modern dance, volunteering at a cat shelter, tap dancing, singing and I even tried to learn the piano once.

Although I don't think I would've gotten into so many groups if it wasn't for my mum, since she was really the one in my family with a passion for dancing, not me. But she wanted me to follow in her footsteps, so I ended up going to quite a few dance classes and ultimately failing. Big time. I remember being in this dance group at one point and I would have to stand behind the curtain at our performances, just so I didn't embarrass them and give the group a bad name. That was really a blow to my self-confidence, trust me. So I know what it's like worrying about being rejected from a group (which has happened quite a bit to me) and worrying what others will think. When I joined singing one of my close friends began to hate me for it, but I think she was just jealous of me deep down.:icon_wink

So I can't really help you with groups or hobbies given my current situation of not really having any myself. :lol:


"I'm not one to back down but I'd rather not go 5-1 on this". -Gamer4now

I'm not really sure what you mean by going 5-1 on this since I've never come across that expression before, but I'm guessing you mean you'd rather not go the full way with this and end up being over the top.

"I do however play soccer and that's fun"-Gamer4now

Yeah I kinda enjoyed football too, except when we had to do it in PE and it was snowing and there was frost everywhere and we had to wear shorts and short-sleeved polo shirts while our teachers got to wear giant fuzzy warm coats. Our PE teachers were mean.

"but I have a hard time trusting others and frankly isolate my true self from others. (true self being I'm gay)"-Gamer4now

Yeah I was always worried about what other people would think about me as well. Especially because my friends would sometimes say some rather homophobic things. A friend of mine out right told me that if I ended up being gay or bi then she couldn't be friends with me. I no longer talk to her and her life's a mess now since she's got caught up with the wrong crowd and she does drugs and she used to skip class a lot. So I'm kinda concerned for her despite the things she said to me.

I know it's hard but chances are you'll find a much more accepting place as you get older since people tend to be more maturer when it comes to certain topics like sexuality. Except in countries where it's illegal and stuff like that. I know it's tough but try to hang in there. Have you ever heard the song "Spectrum" by Boyinaband? It might be a good song for you to listen to, but given you're not out I would suggest viewing it in incognito mode and with headphones. Although I'm assuming you're probably in incognito mode anyway given this website and your situation. Anyways...


"3.-who to talk to about my step dad?- truly there is no one that doesn't require him to be there. The extent of my anger would require me to see a therapist and that would be a struggle since my stupid stepdad is unemployed! "-Gamer4now

My dad is also unemployed too, although I suppose he's at an age now where his unemployment could be considered retirement but he's not officially retired. It's complicated. But I get on really well with my dad so it isn't an issue for me.

That's pretty grim, although I suppose you've got me and the rest of EC to talk to. Yeah I know that isn't exactly the best but I honestly have no idea what else to suggest. (*hug*)

"4) eating?- I have tried but apparently it's disrespectful? Disrespectful my ass, I sneak food away from him rather than give him the satisfaction of knowing what I'm eating and eating with him is miserable I can't even look him in the eye".-Gamer4now

Ah, I'm guessing your step dad is more of the traditional type then I see.

"5) As for suicide I wouldn't be able to do it I couldn't put the relatives I do love in a situation like that but I can't discard my happiness for another 5 years to live with this bastard". -Gamer4now

Well that's some good news to hear, I'm glad you're staying strong. 5 years? Hmm let's see, you're 13 years old so +5 years you'd be 18 years old. Yeah, but on the plus side you can always imagine what it'd be like to be on your own. Although I have an older sister who's 21 years old and she still lives with us but only recently since she just finished University but I know that she's probably going to move out soon which'll be tough and hard to adjust to. Sorry I'm digressing again aren't I? You'll have to excuse me because I do that a lot. :icon_redf

"Thank you I hope you don't mind if I come to talk to you at times".-Gamer4now

Nah, I don't mind. I like trying to help others, it gives me a sense of purpose and sometimes it makes me feel a lot happier. I'm just touched that you feel happy to talk to me and I hope my advice/feedback has been of some use to you.