Hey. . . so I've realized that I have an obsession about physical appearances, beauty, and love. I often lust after people who will not reciprocate my affections to the point where it interferes with my academic/work performance and I'm constantly trying news to improve my physical appearance. I'll obsess over my hair, my imperfect eyes, my asymmetrical face or body or nose, my skin, oh, especially my skin. I think under my own definition of beauty, I can be seen as beautiful by those who don't have a conventional definition of beauty. I'm not that long-haired, blonde beauty. I'm that androgynous, almost stick-slim girl with the curious gaze. But it's been so many months since someone has told me straight out, hey, I think you are beautiful. Not on the inside, but on the outside. It's been so long since someone has told me that I am physically attractive and it seems that the gayer I look, the more people find me unattractive. I struggle to find the balance between what I am and who I am and who/what I want to be. I just wish that someone would look at me and think, instead of "Oh, she looks stupid and like a boy," I want them to say "she looks strong, and I respect the fact that she doesn't feel the need to depend on a man emotionally or physically." I don't know. I wish I was beautiful on the outside. And often, I do wish I could be "normal." But it just isn't the way it's meant to be.
