It's very difficult for me to post this. It makes me feel very vulnerable and scared. But I'm going to trust that no one here means me harm. I am just so, so angry, and I don't know how to get past this. My ex-husband is a licensed minister in the United Pentecostal Church. For those who aren't familiar with this organization, they are ultra-conservative and believe that practically everything is a sin. Women can't wear make-up, jewelry, pants, or cut their hair. "Mixed bathing" (otherwise known as public swimming) is not allowed. Neither is watching tv or going to the movies. You can only imagine their stance on lgbtq issues... As a teenager I was very independent-minded, liberal, and agnostic. I liked to challenge societal norms. I walked my own path. I also knew I was gay, but was extremely closeted and scared about what being gay meant for my life. I was also one of those socially awkward kids that always gets targeted by bullies. At 19 I just wanted to be "normal". I wanted to belong. So I ran away from all the things about myself that scared me. And within a matter of weeks I became a passionate, brain-washed member of a UPC church. Less than a year later I was married to a 30 year old man who would end up abusing me for the next 13 years. Add on top of that all the religious brain washing and the hatred spewed from the pulpit blaming every imaginable ill on the "homosexual agenda"...and you can begin to imagine the torment I went through. I was a faithful member of the church. Passionate. A "prayer warrior". I have never been a social butterfly, but I/we had a group of friends that we socialized with regularly. I considered them more family than the one I was born to. As the years progressed I become more and more socially isolated as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother whose only friends were a part of the church. And then I finally reached my breaking point, and I had the audacity to come out. Overnight I no longer existed to my "friends". I lost everything. I had no family nearby, no other "friends". I was alone in a sea of hostility. I feared that my husband would kill me before I could escape. I went through hell to come out. And to this day, my ex-husband continues to spew poison that is so backwards and ridiculous and ignorant. And in spite of living several states away, I still physically fear him. It makes me so very, very angry it's like acid inside me. For the first year after I came out I sought a "replacement" for what I had lost. I attended several gay churches in the various places I lived. But then I moved to a more rural setting and the agony of losing my "community" slowly waned. And then I became frighteningly angry toward religion, all religion. For several years after that, every church that I drove by, I wanted it to burn. Not the people, but the building, the institution of organized religion. As passionately as I once "lived for God", I developed an equally passionate hatred of religion and everything it stands for. I have progressed on my journey with the help of counseling. I now only have quietly resentful and bitter thoughts when I pass by a church, if I notice it at all. I can usually bite my tongue when the religious nut at work starts talking about the end times. But deep inside I am still so very angry. This anger isn't a regular, daily part of my life. I don't give much thought to religious things anymore. But when something or someone sparks flashbacks, the anger churns to the surface and spills over onto all parts of my life. I know by holding onto this anger and hurt that I am allowing the past to continue to control me and have power over me. But I don't know how to forgive and let go. I have been hurt so very deeply. And because my children are still young, I am forced to have continued contact with my ex-husband and watch while he tries to poison them against me. I also have nightmares that linger when I wake. Has anyone else dealt with religious abuse? Do you have any advice on healing from this? If you've read to the end of this long post, thank you. Even if you haven't experienced something similar, I appreciate you taking the time to read about (listen to) what I'm going through.
I have not gone through exactly what you went through, but I have been a victim of religious abuse myself. For years, I went to a church that mistreated me because they thought that I was gay (this was way before I came out as being transgender). They would verbally abuse me and in rare cases physically abuse me as well. I was able to leave this church when I moved to college. I also tried to search to find another community, but at that point, my beliefs really no longer aligned with any community that I found. There were lots of liberal churches near my college, but I just couldn't feel safe in any of them at all. So, I gave up on that pretty quickly. With time, I found a community of friends. I also went through this as well. I remember seeing all religions as pointless, and just money wasters. I think that once something hurts you so badly, the first reaction is to hate it. As time goes on, and the wound is less fresh, that hatred wanes. It is a good thing that you are in counseling. Sometimes one of the hardest things to do in these situations is to sit down and tell somebody what you have gone through. The anger is something that is hard to deal with. Generally, when I feel this happening, I try to ground myself. I'll focus on the texture of my shirt, or the imperfections in the walls. I've also found that wearing a necklace has helped me. I did not wear a necklace when everything happened, so that serves as a quick reminder that I am not there and I don't need to be angry. Forgiveness is something that comes with time I think. I'm personally not sure that I will ever be able to fully forgive those who have emotionally abused me, because that has had longer lasting effects than the physical abuse. The only way that you can let them have power over you is if you stop your life for them. It does not sound like you are doing this. It really does sound like you are doing all of the right things. I'm not sure if what I have written has helped much, but I do hope that it at least makes you feel better knowing that you are not alone.
I would like to apologize for all the cruel people who hide behind "Christianity". I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. And I hope to someday have a community of real friends too. Wearing a necklace is a good idea. I might have to try that. I used to go thrift shopping quite often with a friend from church. Now going into a thrift store triggers flashbacks that leave me confused about what city I'm in. It's very disconcerting and upsetting. My counselor had suggested wearing a bracelet to help me remember where I'm at and that I'm safe, but I'm not fond of things on my wrists. Thank you for the suggestion of wearing a necklace. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It definitely does help to know I'm not alone. And it helps to know that the anger is normal and ok. It's been 5 years. I guess I just never imagined that my path to healing would take so much time.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this shit, I think in part why it hurts so deeply is that religious ingraining doesn't let you go, even if you profess yourself as atheist, it lingers. The emotions attached to god are sub-ordinance and submission, so I'm just going out on a limb and saying maybe the sight of a church makes you feel those desperate feelings of being trapped and beneath, and you want to burn them away because the anger inside you is burning. You have to realize that their literally is nothing, all that hatred, all that b*llshit was a lie that was put forth with no solid foundation. I know when I professed myself as an atheist, my anger towards religion and god was so intense that every time I got angry I would wish their was a god so I could make him hate me, and so that I could piss him off with every action I made. I wanted nothing more than to be a personal antichrist, but that was because the fear and anger at losing valuable years of my life to nothing made me feel that their had to be something, and that eventually I would go to hell despite the misery on Earth. I think your position is really extreme considering you were married to this guy, mine was like that with parents, but marriage feels like you put yourself into it (you didn't but that's how it messes with the emotions because of the "I do,"). I believe in the idea that that anger you have can be turned into an energy. I think you need to find your niche, something that makes you feel like your own god, beyond the power struggle and submission, where their is nothing but the energy of the moment. Then those churches won't need to be burned, because you'll know that you're bypassing their chains and creating personal happiness that they said couldn't be achieved without a master. Anyway, just my two cents, but again, I'm really sorry that you were placed into that situation.
I am an atheist. I think I realised very early on that I would not be accepted in churches, certainly not in the town I grew up in. Luckily for me my parents were not religious and my mother supported me when I told the school (at age 6) that i was not going to go the religious education classes anymore. I honestly don't understand how people who profess to be religious can be full of so much hatred? I've had run ins with the local Jehovah's witnesses (my children's aunt is a member) and been told that now I could never join their church because of having life saving blood transfusions when my youngest was born and I damn near bled out. I should have just waited for my body to replace the blood I lost like I'd cut my finger. When the local secondary school introduced RE classes and made them compulsory I refused to attend and told them outright they could not legally force me to go (I was 13) I had teachers having a go at me. Even had one try and bring religion into his English class. I read about all the deaths that occur in the name of religion that I just can't bring myself to go near it. And that's without their attitude to those who don't conform to their ideals, including the LGBT community. That doesn't begin to include deformed versions of "religion" like Westboro and the church you were unfortunate enough to be abused by. When your religion requires you to abuse others, it's time to leave that religion. I am truly sorry you we through that. Know that we are here to help you. (&&&)
Healing does take some time, I've been out for a little over 5 years now, and there are sometimes that I find things bothering me. It is frustrating that there are still some things that bother me, but I am glad that they do not bother me as much as they did when I first got out of that church. Sometimes we forget to look at the small steps. The small steps are worth paying attention to as well. A lot of my progress has come from a series of smaller steps.
I haven't experienced religious abuse, but I do struggle with my religion. I have however experienced emotional and verbal abuse from a teacher. He was very flamboyant, cheerful, and out-there and everyone liked him, including I at first. Then I got to know him. Him and his horrible temper that he somehow managed to focus in my direction. I couldn't make a tiny mistake without being lashed out at in front of the entire class. He'd scream at me until I was crying and humiliated and there were times when I did nothing wrong. Once he threatened to write me up for taking too long to take out a piece of paper. And when he wasn't being an asshole, he was acting over-the-top friendly. The next year I was filled with pain and anger and sadness. I was scared of making mistakes and the tiniest rude remarks I'd receive from him on the rare occasion that I'd see him would send me into overdrive, crying and trying to understand, why? I spent lots of time reading up on psychology and trying to understand what his deal was and obsessing over it. I constantly cooked up plans to get him to realize what he did was wrong and get him to apologize. I needed closure, and I needed it badly. And I got it. I don't know how, but somehow I suddenly stopped thinking about it, somehow moved on. And I forgive him. I forgive him because I know that he is a very sick man and can only hope that someday he will get help. I hope he can forgive himself as I have forgiven him. Someday you too will move on. It just takes time.
I'm sorry you went through that trauma. I have not been through anything similar, but know that religious abuse is a real thing. You were strong to get yourself out of that church and marriage. In order to heal, I think you will need to do a lot of talking about the pain and anger, and grieve some of the things you lost, like friends and a community and some years of your life. If you have maintained a belief in God, you are now free to tell Him anything, including how hurt and bitter you are. "Time, talk and tears" is a process that a therapist could help you through.
