Hello EC friends, I have been feeling very depressed, I have always been depressed because I always hide my sexuality from my self and from others too. At least now I accept my self as gay because this is who I am. As I have plans to move to another country next year, my mom asked if I am sure that I am going to "throw" all my money and a job that I hate to go to other country and try something. I said to her that I am not happy here that I hate my job and my life, also I said when I was in a foreigner country I was happier and I regret a lot coming back to my country and live with them. As I was talking to her I had a feeling that I should come out to here, but I couldn't I was such a coward :'(. I don't know if she got the point that I am gay, I think Daddy and Mom they pretty much know because I never brought girls home and or even said that I dating someone, everytime they see me with some girl I told them we are only friends and this is true, they might know I am gay but I think they also deny to have I 32 years old gay son, as I deny my self for years. So I am depressed because : 1º I do not have the guts to tell them that I am gay and to be honest I don't know if telling I will feel better, I think not. 2º Next year I will move to another country and I don't know if I am going to find a job after the end of my course, and I am thinking a lot of how things will be. 3º I hate the place that I am working but I am working my ass off to save money to go to another country again. Just to sum up I know that know that I accept that I am gay, I know going to another country that are gay friendly and not being near my friends or family I can explore more my sexuality and also have more confidence about my self. When I got those feelings that I am "trapped" and I can't see the end of the road, I have some suicidal thoughts, I know I am not going to kill myself but I don't like having suicidal thoughts. I am not going to live in another country as a way to "escape", but since I lived few months in Canada and I love it and I wanna go back and live there. I might bethinking too much on how things might be in the future and this is one more reason why I get and got depressed. I know things will get better, but gosh I have so much going on my mind. I just want to be happy :bang::bang::bang:
I don't think it's cowardly to stay in the closet. Maybe it's not time to come out. You're getting ready to face a huge change in your life, and it might help to have everything else under control first. Try to focus on what could go right: finding a job that makes you happy, and being free to explore your sexuality. Until the time actually comes, thinking about the worst scenarios will do nothing to change the future. It can only hurt you in the present. It sounds like you know what you want, and you know how you'll try to achieve it. If you can hold on to that, it'll help you fight the dark thoughts.
I will try to focus only on my goal and try to forget the rest, as you said it will be a big change so is better for me to have everything in the right place, because if I do not have some control I know I will get CRAZY. After reading your post I also thought a lot and I should no be wonder how things might be or might not, instead I should try to live the present and not focus too much in the future. My biggest problem might be that I am always setting goals for my self and I think some things we should just let go with the flow. I just need to stop worrying about if I am going to disappoint my mom, dad and 3 of my best friends. Thanks SO MUCH for your help !!
Hey Faceup - Welcome to EC!! Are you living at home with your parents? Not clear from your post. If you are living with them I can see how difficult it can be when living in the same house with parents. You have several options: To leave the country and try a new life. This may work OK but it is quite a dramatic change To move out - and stay living in your home town with your friends ... and make new friends To stay as you are ... so long as you do not go crazy!! Or come out to your parents. Do not worry about being 32.. the past is the past. What matters is that you stay cool.. and make good decisions for the present and good decisions for your future Do you have any friends in real life that you can talk to about these ideas??
Hello bingostring, first of all thanks for your help yes I do live with my parents. I know is a dramatic change to leave my country but I lived 6 months in Canada and I loved it and I want to go back, but now to take a kind of college course and work. I don't want to stay in my hometown I want to move out of here kkkkkkkk One day I will have to come out to my parents but I have so many things going on in my head that I think right now is not a good idea . Yes I have some friends that I can talk about my ideas of moving out, and actually they give all the support to move out, but I can't talk about my sexuality because they are all straight dudes and they will not understand what I am talking about and some of the challenges that I am facing due to keep this secret for my self for sooooo long ! I moved back to my parents because I wasn't able to pay my mortgage and food kkkk so my condo now is rented I need to start a new life, new friends, new city and new Me Thanks again for the help.
