I've been fighting low self-esteem for a while now, and I was writing a diary entry because I was feeling bad about things. I wanted to post what I wrote because it's an accurate representation of the fight I've been having with myself for ages now. Me vs my head in the battle of whether I should keep going with my job, or whether I should give up and quit. This is what I wrote: Spoiler A lot of stuff happens in my head, but one thing that occurs frequently is that I talk to myself quite a lot about my issues. I ask myself questions about why these things happen and why I feel the way I do. Often that inner voice manifests itself as another person in my head - usually it takes the form of someone from real life. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's easier to ask those questions if I pretend they're coming from someone else? Maybe, maybe not. Today, my inner voice manifested in the form of my mentor. She was asking me why I teach. Kind of like the phone conversation we had a couple of weeks ago, when she asked me the same question and I basically froze on the other end of the line, panicking about what I should say. When I was talking to myself about teaching and all the issues that go along with it, this is the conversation that happened. K (my mentor - inner voice): How do you feel about teaching? Me: I hate it. There's a part of me that really wants to leave, but another part that's keeping me here. If I left now, it would mean that for all the effort that I put into the last two years, I would have just failed anyway, meaning the last two years would have gone to waste. I've tried so hard just to make something of my life. I've worked so hard and yet I can feel it all crashing around me, and it's all going to amount to nothing. And then I would have proved myself what I already knew, what everyone else already knew - that I'm worthless no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter what I do, it never makes a difference and it never gets any better. I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by posting this thread. I guess I just needed to put it out there more than anything. Maybe because I'm sick of feeling like this.
we all come in a crossroads where we question the directions of our lives whether it would be work, relationships, or environment really. it's a good time to take a step back and question whether you really want it or not. fighting with your mind all the time, it may not go anywhere. the longer you fight it, the more time it will take out of your life. our mind is a powerful presence, and if you start filling it with realistic or positive thoughts, your life can change for the better. do what's right for yourself. your entry says something about teaching, so i'm going to go by that basis. the most important part about teaching is that you bear the responsibility of constantly instilling knowledge onto future generations, whether it would be children or pupils. i may not be one, though i could understand a bit about what it's like to be one. you can ask yourself if the person that you are can match with the profession that you have. it's hard to fight low self esteem, but the best way to go about it, it's to start with yourself. yea, this shit sounds cheesy at first, but i speak from experience haha, nothing more or less.
I believe a good approach to this would be to take a notebook. Make (2) two columns--- (1) Saying- Stay in Teaching, (2) Saying- Leave Teaching. Simply write down whatever runs through your head in the proper column. You're already aware of some issues you have, so you can start there and list those down. Now a good approach would be to take (1) One issue at a time and address its truths and fallacies. A good example would be to actually address why you went into teaching at the first place? As an example say you list down "Teaching is my passion", we now consider this the Truth. Because of your inner "low self-esteem" and other unresolved issues, it would be natural to attack this Truth. List those down and point out fallacies of the statements attacking that Truth. It's a good practice, you do not have to address all your issues at once. One at a time is already getting your foot through the door. You'll find that as you address your issues and the "list" of these issues gets shorter then your inner turmoil somehow diminishes. Every time those repeat issues runs through your head you can simply reference your "notebook" and that you've already addressed at issue, therefor the thought/issue no longer runs through your head with the same gravity as it did before. Addressing your inner conflict of Staying or Leaving your Teaching Profession. Only you can answer that and choose your path. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? However realize that leaving doesn't necessarily equate to defeat, if anything it may be perceived as strength that you had the actual guts to pursue other goals, to pursue other dreams and to make sacrifices. Leaving that two years doesn't make you any less of a person. Those two years no matter how it had been made you grow as a person. It made you experience things other people could only fathom off. Don’t be down that you feel confused. It’s a normal thing. No one came to earth knowing what they’d be doing every step of the way. At your teens, mid 20’s, 40’s that same feeling of confusion will set it. It is a pretty long road when it comes to getting to know our true selves and our place in this world. Do not pressure yourself into figuring things out this early on. You have your whole life to figure it out. And even if you think you have figured it out now. It’ll just change once again when you enter into a different phase in life. In short as life changes, the demands that are set also change. Therefor we ourselves and the role we play in society also constantly change with it. You just really have to go with life instead of arresting it to what you think it should be.
You know what's funny? At one point I actually did try to make a pro/con list. It didn't help. I just ended up staring at the two columns completely confused. The reason why I chose to stay back then was because it was the passive choice, and also because I didn't like the idea of not knowing if I could have succeeded if I kept going. But it looks like I'm back to square one. Despite the progress I thought I'd made I still feel exactly the same, and I don't know if I can go on like this.
You did the first step which is good. I think the reason you stared blankly into it confused is that you tried to address all the issues all at once. Your mind may have been clouded with too many thoughts, before one issue has been addressed and resolved your mind had already jumped into another issue, then another issue, then another issue... As I said try to address (1) ONE issue at a time. The process isn't a fast track system or else you'd end up back at the first step of confusion. The basic reason for this is that we want to ultimately address and resolve the very issues that prevent you from somewhat seeing a clearer picture of what you want. We can liken these issues to a fog which blurs your vision of what is ahead, I suppose. Also addressing your issues can help resolve your "mind battles", and the heavy burden it carries. Ultimately though I reiterate that the choice is still yours. No therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or whatever mental healthcare professional in their right mind would tell you to quit or not to quit your Teaching Profession. It is understandable that you have apprehensions of the "unknown", basically your mindset is that Teaching is a safe zone, a comfort zone. This is what I'm used to, this is what is safe. That's the basic thought behind every fear of a major life choice. Why not approach it differently? It doesn't have to be black and white--- quit or not to quit Teaching. What if you meet your two options at the middle? Take a "rest" or temporary leave from Teaching? Test waters at your other plans, if it pans out then good. If it doesn't then you can just go back to Teaching. That way you do not have these "what-ifs?" You won't blame yourself that you haven't tried. And if you decide to go back into the Teaching Profession, you won't feel as if those years spent practicing it was lost.
What I came up with: Spoiler Stay: -Finish induction year -K = mentor -Job security Leave: -Depressed/crying on weekends -Behaviour/data more important than subject -Isolation from colleagues Thoughts on these: Finish induction year: -Leaving = sacrifice induction year, would have to restart/incomplete qualification = what was the point in doing it in the first place? -Can always defer induction year - come back to it later in life. -Staying = get it over and done with, complete qualification (at expense of self-esteem?) -Don't know if there's any point finishing induction year when I no longer want to do this. K = mentor -Don't want to lose K/go elsewhere with a different mentor. -Fear of letting K down - she keeps saying 'don't leave me.' Would she hate me for leaving her? I'd be the 2nd person who did so. I'd be no better than that other person. -Don't want to lose contact with K if I did leave = fear of rejection by important people in life. -She keeps saying 'you're doing fine' and I don't believe her, even though I know she wouldn't lie. Job security -Leaving = finding new job. What job? + more interviews = more uncertainty/anxiety. -Pressure from family to find new job = constant nagging/disappointed in me for not finishing the year. -Staying = at least I have a job/making money = independence. -No job satisfaction - Job worth keeping if it makes me unhappy? -Possible to make a sideways move? Teaching in a different way? Job depression -Not worth the self-esteem issues that come with it. Don't want to live in a constant state of dread. -Would it get worse if I left? I.e. no job = depression anyway? -Back to square 1 feeling - what was the point in the last 2 years if I just end up leaving anyway? Behaviour/data -Not really about my subject -Data = bullshit, not fulfilling/valuable. Literally made up numbers. -School behaviour is terrible - sick of dealing with it. I don't care enough to want to do it. Isolation from colleagues -Seeing friends is unrewarding because they talk about how great work is + I sit there silently not knowing what to say cos I hate it. -Would they judge me if they knew how I felt about it? -They do amazing things - makes me feel inadequate/not as good as them = different girl like usual. Sick of feeling different. -Could I still be their friend if I left teaching? -Felt this way last year too - did I deserve to be there (doing training)? General thoughts -Same as ever - inadequate, not good enough, unsatisfied, failure, etc. Why won't these thoughts go away? -Why can't I be like other people and just do stuff right? -My personality is proving to be an issue in the classroom. Or just in general (Different girl).
Hi once again In all honesty I feel that I am in no place to decipher for you the weight and validity of each and every issue you currently have in the practice of your Profession. Because that would insinuate that I actually know what it is to be in your place. However, what does strike me looking into your list is that you seem to put a lot of weight and attach importance for the feelings, emotions and perceptions of OTHERS. It isn’t an inherently bad thing to do, if anything it is a noble concept. In life we do place consideration about how we conduct ourselves and our actions, and how it affects others. BUT should it necessarily be at the expense of YOUR OWN HAPPINESS or FULFILLMENT? Sometimes we may keep on putting others before ourselves that we fail to see that there are already cracks within us. Cracks can be in the form of poor health, stress, postponing career opportunities, anything really. With a basic breakdown of your list you seem to have placed great emphasis on (3) Persons--- “K” Mentor, Colleagues and Family. If you carefully read your list, honestly it seems you have put it upon yourself to meet their emotional needs. In turn you experience great stress and guilt at the mere perception that you will somehow fail them or disappoint them. At the expense of suppressing your own voice, feelings and needs. Just for a moment disregard what you think THEY will feel, what THEY will say. Look into yourself, listen to your OWN VOICE. What does that voice tell you? What makes you happy? What gives you fulfillment? What are your actual goals (without them in the picture)? Ultimately there is a point where you have to make choices, at this moment a Professional/Career one, for YOUR OWN SAKE. As we learn to acknowledge our own voice on the matter, we become better people in general. If we treat our own voice with respect, we become okay with our feelings instead of being riddled with discomfort. If you continue to rely on others as a source of self-worth and emotional validation it will just leave you feeling worn-out as each day passes. I reiterate the choice can only be made by you, and only you. Listen to your own voice on the matter. You have incredibly great insight more than you think. I’ve had the pleasure of commenting with you on other threads and you’ve displayed this insight with greater capacity than even I. This same insight, this same inner voice will guide you to make the right choice. I do hope the best for your and may you find happiness at what you do.
I agree completely with what Blue787Bunny is articulating. In summary, no need to compare yourself to others or concern yourself with what other people think. Life is about you. Live life the way you want to. Society has a way of dictating how people are supposed to live. Who came up with this stuff and on whom's authority? Its all meaningless unless you are content with how you are living your life. Life is a journey, and part of the journey is breaking free of other peoples expectations and simply living life based on your own.
