I don't know who's gonna read this and honestly I just need someone's outside opinion. I'll be honest I've had a horrible temper for years. I've hurt and intimidated others for what I always thought of as self defense. This happened from the time I was in middle school all through into my twenties. Reasons have always varied but it just seems my mind jumps right to intimidation when it comes to conflict. Then even when I start feeling guilt and just want to break down and sob nothing happens; no tears nor sound. It's like the only reaction I have to any type of issue is a bit extreme. I've always thought of myself as a good person, I help whoever needs it and would throw myself in harms way for anyone I love. But just this other side kicks in and honestly Ive been afraid of how far it'll go sometimes. Thought I had it under control until tonight at work. A guy came into my store trying to steal beer; at first I laughed at the guy for being so obvious about it on camera but, when I went out of the office to stop him my voice deepened to a growl as demanded he drop the beer. He freaked out and tryed to run from me. I felt like a dog after a squirrel chasing him until my manager snapped me out of it. I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering does anyone else get this way? Am I really a good person even though I have this side of me?
I've had the same aggression problem, since I could talk (Was told so by my mom). My grandfather even had a nickname for me that - directly translated - means poison-apple. Anyway, I've been to numerous child psychologists and they kept saying it was PTSD (My grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, passed away when I was about 2). As a teenager, I went to more psychologists, who diagnosed me with the same thing. Finally, following a huge fight with my mom, I went to seek help again. That was in January 2010. I left out the part of my grandmother passing away, and guess what they discovered? I'm bipolar! Aggression and irritability are only two of many symptoms of a manic episode... Have you ever been tested for a mental disorder? I'm by no means saying that you could be bipolar, I just shared my story to let you know you're not the only one with sudden anger outbursts.
Thank you for sharing your story VelvetBlade, last night's incident at work had just got me thinking by the time I got off work. No, I've never been tested for any mental disorders; never have even spoken to a therapist either. Guess I've always shrugged off any form of help; a bad habit that, believe me, I've been working on mending. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother btw, glad though you finally able to get a proper diagnosis. Think I might talk to a therapist after this, thank you.
