My situation is so complicated and it's distracting me from what really matters

(Um whoops I meant to post this in the relationships area of the forum? Is there a way to get a mod to move it???)

Yello, I'm back You may have seen me before

Okay, so... where to start? I've had feelings for one of my friends for a good eight years now. (I just realized at the end of May) She's gay. But we have been sort of... separated for a little while, mainly because I sort of checked out from our friendship last year because I had things to figure out, I was depressed, and we didn't see each other often due to our stupid schedules not matching up.

I come back this year to realize that our standing has DRASTICALLY changed because I totally just... I don't even know how to describe it. Point is, I f*cked up and let her go, she's made new friends (who are somewhat my friends we're just not close) and has kind of stopped needing me in her life. It hurts me so much to almost lose her and I feel like she's terribly unapproachable during school because she's constantly around her friends and I don't feel like I'm a *part* of them.

Bad thing is that I'm in love with her. I feel like I'm lying to myself when I think it but my feelings are so strong for her that it just... 'like' is too weak and I'm afraid to say 'love'. We're on better terms now (she'll talk to me at least and we're getting friendlier, but we were never on bad terms) and becoming closer. I just feel like I've lost something that I had with her that I'll never get back. And it hurts because I love her and I'm afraid I'll never get *that chance* to tell her how I feel and actually have some sort of probability that will end up with me being with her.

And what's more is that these feelings are starting to hurt me. Seriously. I start missing her terribly on the weekends because I'm not at school with her. I can't concentrate well on some assignments. It's impacting my math test grades too, I think. I just don't know what to do. I'll be better off academically if I try to forget about her and cut ties with her, but I can't just let go of these feelings because if I drop them I think I'll die because it will hurt so much.

I'm stuck. Sorry for the long post, I just had to get this out.

 

(*hug*) Thanks so much. I am slowly inching myself closer to her. I'm working on a project with one of her friends and we're starting to become sort of friends. It's not a lot but it's a start.