I want to go to trans support groups and meet ups, but I’m scared the people there will remind me of painful things. Every time I hear about a trans girl getting puberty suppressing drugs (I can’t stand that word starting with ‘b’ because of my past), it kills me on the inside all over again and makes me want to cut and kill myself. It makes me feel inadequate and broken. It reminds me of my helplessness as a child to prevent my body from irreversibly becoming foreign and wrong to me. I have no idea what would happen if I met a trans girl or woman who was spared going through the wrong puberty. I can’t imagine anything good. I want to go to support groups and be with transfeminine people like me, but I’m scared of someone reminding me of my past and seeing right in front of me exactly what I lost. I feel screwed no matter what. I feel so alone in my struggles not being around any other transfeminine people, but because my struggles have so deeply affected me, I don’t know if I can even handle being around my kind. Any kind of advice would be welcome.
I can relate partially since so many minor things trigger me. If you feel alone and you find that you need support you should definitely search out those who you feel could relate to you. While I can't guarantee that you won't be triggered at some point you can lessen your chances by explaining it to the support group. I mean, I'm sure they'd understand.
You should go. You won't be the only one there who didn't get puberty suppressing drugs and it's likely others feel the same way about it. Don't shy away from being triggered. The only way to move past your pain is to talk about it in a supportive environment. Otherwise you're just sitting with it. Stewing over these negative thoughts and getting nowhere. And that pain won't lessen until you deal with it. It might be helpful to speak to a therapist before you go to the support group. If you talk about your triggers with him/her first it will be easier to handle once you're in the group. They can also help you learn coping skills for when you hear/see things that are upsetting. For me it's been very helpful talking to a therapist about my struggles with my sexuality. It no longer haunts me the way it used to. I'm hoping to join a support group soon and I know I'll be calmer once I'm there because I've already dealt with my issues with my therapist.
