Alright, first -- and I feel like people struggle with this all the time upon being freshly out to themselves, but I'm still having a problem with knowing exactly what my sexuality is, and how I present it. To recap, a little over a year ago, I fell for a girl super hard, and sort of haven't looked back from girls since. I'm mid-twenties, and it frustrates me to no end that I can't really say what I am. I've always been into guys/in long term relationships with guys. I feel like I can say I'm bi, but then I backpedal on that because, even though I would have done way too much to be with this one girl, I haven't had sex with a female in a passionate way. I have in an experimental way, without much feeling, but not in the sense that I wanted them, and wanted to please them. But thinking about having sex with her made me craaazy (in a good way). I really feel like I am definitely attracted to girls, and thinking about being in a relationship with one makes me happy in someway. I don't know if it's a bad girl thing, though, if that makes sense. Like, there's something to me that seems sexy about being a lesbian -- not in a, society loves lesbians type of way, but in an, it fits my style way -- does that make any sense? Is that me trying to be something I'm not, or romanticizing, or me feeling sexy about it because it's who I am and makes me feel good and right? ...or is it me trying to chase the feeling I had with her? Another thing I struggle with is telling people. And I know I should just tell people when I'm good and ready and know, but part of me feels like I do know. Yet a part of me feels like there's no way I can know if I'm really into women until I'm with one, but it's just not happening. And a big part of that not happening might be because I'm too afraid to put myself out there. I always get freaked out thinking that if I go on a lesbian dating site, someone might see me. Which obviously would mean they're gay (or stalking lesbian sites?) too, but still. And I won't go to any groups or anything because a part of me feels like that's not my thing, but I totally need some friends who are also gay, or something. I'm femme, so no one readily thinks I might be into girls. In fact, if I am a total lesbian (which seems like a definite possibility to me), I think many people will be very surprised. Only my friends and mom know, and the girl I liked, because I did that stupid thing that people do when they really like someone: told her. Yes, she is queer. I just feel like I'm never going to meet anyone, and I'm so ready to. It scares me, and i feel like I'd want to hide it at first, but I feel really ready. Gaah -- I know this is a lot of whining but I'm just so frustrated.
i think it sounds like you might be bi, i can't decide for you tho . but its ok to be unsure and label yourself (or use no labels) to what best fits what you feel right now, its ok to switch labels too. I've never been with a woman or man so i feel unsure at times too but i still think deep down i know, and it'll take some time but you'll know too one day. i feel your pain of never meeting someone, but if the girl you liked is queer you should go for it! good luck !
Ugh -- please decide for me!! I did go for it with her. Shitty story. No such luck... you can read about it other posts of mine, if you'd like! Haha. I guess we'll see what life brings. I just wish I could know now. Or have a gf or more experience so I can be even a little more sure. Thanks
