it's not that i want to die. i just want everything to STOP. I'm so sorry for doing this to you, dear reader, pouring a shitload of crap that's been festering for a long time right out onto the table, but here it is. If i tell my parents that i'm suicidal, i'll end up in the hospital again, and i HATE IT at the hospital. my best memories of the hospital were walking in circles around the unit over and over and over again. This is stupid. I don't know what to do. I held a knife to my eye for a couple seconds today and I was really scared because i don't want to die, i just want everything to STOP. I'm really sorry for being a problem child here and for causing you any distress everyone. i'm really sorry, it's just i needed to get this out somehow and that's how my first empty closet post goes, a fucking depressing piece of shit. If i do anything to express my true depression or anxiety, i get put back in the hospital. let me make things clear. I HATE THE HOSPITAL. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. i know that i should be getting the treatment i need but i fear if i was actually getting the treatment i needed i'd be stuck in the hospital for a month or more. so i act happy, but when i actually feel that way, my mother and brother think i'm feeling sad. like, really? and my only hope for going to college is finishing that book i'm halfway through because goddamm my family is poor as hell. i don't even have money for a binder. this sucks. but this probably sucks more for you guys, i'm sorry. i wish i could make everyone's problems go away. this is a mess. But I think i'll feel better after posting this. it's not that i'm suicidal. i just want everything to STOP. but if i even THINK about telling my parents or my social worker or my therapist that, they ship me off to the hospital and say it's the same thing. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO BECAUSE They think I"M BROKEN AND ANOTHER ROUND IN THE HOSPITAL IS GOING TO MAGICALLY FIX THINGS. so i'm stuck, and i should really call a suicide hotline but i'm scared because my family won't leave me alone and i'm stuck stuck stuck because if they find out then it's back to the hospital again and they'll be disappointed and unhappy with me because they thought i was getting better and it's a load of bs and i hate it I HATE IT I HATE. hopefully writing this will make me feel better, getting this off my chest. It's not that i want to die. i just want everything else to STOP. but nothing ever does. :help: i'm sorry for this disjointed mess of words. i'm sorry. :help:
Depression fucking sucks, let me tell you that from someone who has experienced it. May I ask what it is that is making you feel this way? You may be able to find a way to cope with it, maybe even fix it if you know exactly what is causing you to feel shitty. And believe me, once you get to learn how to better cope with your feelings, then it all becomes clearer and easier. If you ever do feel suicidal however, then you need to ring your hotline. Suicide may be a way to stop your problems, but it also stops the positives, and stops the problems ever becoming better. If you ever need help, then do not be afraid to ask. And also, don't say sorry for posting here, we are here to help you and always will offer you advice. It's not something to be sorry about. <3
This is the one place that is meant for you to be able to express the way you feel without anyone judging you. I'm really glad you posted here. You don't have to be sorry for the way you feel, so please don't apologize. Post more things here! Letting those feelings out can be really helpful. And to be honest, no one would read this post unless they wanted to, so you are not putting a burden on anyone. Depression is complicated and rough, but you are not alone. I hope that writing this did make you feel a little better.
I think you need to tell someone close to you not that you're suicidal (because you're right, that doesn't always help unless you really do want to die) but that you are hurting and need relief. That is a far cry from actually wanting to die and comes with a different solution. You have a book you're working on? Do you have a publishing deal? I wouldn't put too much faith in that regardless, because striking gold from writing is as long a shot as hitting it in any other creative industry. Try for college through other means, like grants. Not that I don't wish you luck in author success (I really, really do as you seem to need it more than some) but you're setting yourself up for probable disappointment. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not a problem child and certainly don't bother anyone on here by sharing. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your family's disconnected attitude isn't helping either. What kind of treatment do you need? Is it just management of depression/anxiety or is it external issues in your life?
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It's really great that you've come here- nobody here will judge you, I promise. I'm not saying you should talk to your parents, but it really, really helps to confide in someone close to you. Just letting those feelings out and having someone who understands can be a huge weight off of your chest. (*hug*)
I think you did really well to let all of that pain and distress out and I hope it did help to release the pressure valve a little bit. You need an outlet otherwise you end up bottling everything up inside and that's really unhealthy and dangerous. If you need to talk some more, please do so. You are also welcome to send me a private message (just click on my profile to the left and it should bring up the option to send a private message). I highlighted the word everything because it sounds like you have an awful lot going on and weighing on your mind. If it becomes too difficult to see what's happening and our thoughts and feelings become muddled the sense of despondency and loneliness can increase, so that's another reason why you should reach out for support. Sometimes, it's a good idea to try to do something to distract ourselves from the really intense feelings. This may include going for a walk or doing some sport or exercise, listening to some good music, playing an instrument, watching a good movie, playing with a pet. You may find it useful to write your feelings down and it's always a good idea to talk about it. If you are having suicidal feelings it might be a good idea to look up the numbers of some helplines that you can call (or maybe e-mail or text). This website lists helplines in all regions, including the United States: International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) - Resources: Crisis Centers f don't know how old you are, or if your sexuality is a significant factor in the suicidal feelings, but you may also wish to check out The Trevor Project: Get Help | The Trevor Project Having people to talk to should help to lessen the agonising feelings and hopefully keep you safe and out of hospital. It may not solve everything, but it's clear that you want to live and it's really good that you are able to admit that. To say that you want to live is very important and significant so always keep that thought at the front of your mind and reach out for help. Don't apologise for making this your first EC post. If you need a place to talk about it and get some support we are all here for you. (*hug*)
