I am so sick, of every day, getting up and putting on an act that I am coping, that I am fine. I am so sick of hearing people around me squeal and be excited for Christmas when I can't even manage the tiniest bit of joy. It's gone. I feel dead inside. I can't stand this any more, of having one tiny bit of sanctuary, of something that makes me happy, only to be told that I'm not allowed it. I am in Year 11, and today was my parents evening. Basically, I see every single one of my teachers and they tell my mum how I'm doing, and what my indicated grades are. I am predicted B's-A*'s in EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT that I take. That's 11 GCSEs. Every single teacher had brilliant reviews except one. My History teacher told my mum that I was often 'in my own little world' and 'sometimes distracted myself with musicals and came off topic.' And of course for my mum, that was it. She's already told me before that letting me see Wicked had turned me into a vile human being and she didn't even recognise me as her daughter any more. This was after I came out, and I think this was when I told her that I needed to go and see Blood Brothers as part of my Drama GCSE. I know that I probably seem obsessed, and maybe to an annoying degree but not to a point where It is causing me to neglect other parts of my life. I think that part is pretty fucking obvious from the fact that I'm achieving decent grades across the board. It is literally the only thing that keeps me going some days. Most days. It's actually both a symptom and coping strategy of depression, which I have been diagnosed with already. But I cannot cope if I'm being told that the only way I know how to deal with this is wrong. My only coping strategy is being forbidden and now I just feel alone and vulnerable and empty. I was supposed to go to therapy sessions with CAMS but my mum refused to take me because 'they're at 4 o'clock and we can't make it' (so instead of rescheduling them... we will live in denial of everything and wait for the motherfucking faries to fix it?!) I am just so sick and tired of trying, and trying just to be pushed back to square one again. I don't even want to be here anymore, luckily I'm a fucking coward.
Get through your GCSES then you can do whatever the fuck you want! I know how you feel & wouldn't wish to be at school again. It's horrible having to let others boss you around but once you turn 16, you have much more choice. I'm sorry your mum seems pretty harsh, she's just following what she was taught and strangely they think the normal school routine is helpful. My family were the same when I expressed how depressed I was, even said 'I was faking it so I didn't have to work.' Fighting with your mum is like swimming up the current.. until you can actually leave its easier to avoid conflict. Keep enjoying your musicals but keep it to your self for now but don't lose the thing you love the most just because someone tells you too! Have you thought about seeing the school counselor? especially if you can't make it to the CAMS therapy sessions.
Hi RainbowLioness, My name is Amy and I am 18. I can relate to how you are feeling. I am not going to pretend that I know exactly how you are feeling because everyone is different. I know how it feels to have to make yourself get out of bed, put on a fake smile and pretend everything is fine. Pretend to be coping when in fact you are barely surviving. Wondering whether it would be better if you weren't here any more... You sound kind of similar to me, getting good grades and performing well academically overall. I know what it is like not to feel much if anything, to not be able to relate to people. To not really have the capacity to look forward to anything. Musicals seem to have become your escape from everything. Our escapes become one of the few things that get us through the day. Mine was and is writing. I want to make something perfectly clear. You are NOT a coward. You are NOT weak. You are SOOOOOO STRONG. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to survive, to fight. It is extremely brave. You are stronger and more courageous than you think. TRUST ME. I know it sounds hypocritical and cliche to say trust me, it does get better. You have reached out for help. That is the first step. I find it ridiculous that your mother will not let you go. Depression is not a joke, not a cry for attention. KEEP GOING!!!! KEEP FIGHTING!!!! Please I am begging you do not let things escalate like I did. For me deprsesion was very nearly fatal. I am not familiar with the UK school system but is there anyone at your school that you might be able to talk to in confidence? Feel free to message me any time if there is anything I can do to help or even if you just want someone to vent at or talk to. I am sorry this is so long and many parts may be irrelevant. I am not going to pretend that I know everything or that I am cured. The reality is that I am still in recovery but I am willing to be a virtual ear that will always be there to listen. I will try to do whatever I can. I know from experience that it is something that people cannot fight on their own. They have to trust someone. I am really sorry if this was too much and/or if it was not helpful at all. I genuinely hope that things start getting better for you very very soon. You are important. You are beautiful. You are amazing and valuable. You are lovable and wanted. You are strong. You will get through this, I know you have it in you.
