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I hate giving blowjobs (I explain why) but my boyfriend really wants them

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by patrickarcher, Nov 6, 2015.

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  1. patrickarcher

    patrickarcher
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    For 6 years of my childhood I was repeatedly and frequently forced into giving oral sex by a family member who threatened me and beat me if I didn't let him do this to me. Now I am in a relationship and the only problem that we have regarding sex is that I can't stand to give blowjobs. I just hate it so much because I associate it with being raped and giving blowjobs has just been totally ruined for me.

    I explained to my boyfriend in the first couple of weeks of our relationship why I can't stand giving blowjobs and he said he understands, but he really misses BJs and he asks me for them anyway. I tried blowing him because I was worried that refusing to give BJs was a deal-breaker, but I just can't. It just tears me up emotionally.

    Is it unreasonable that I won't give blowjobs? Should I try to get over it and do it anyway? What do you think? My boyfriend is a strict bottom which is okay with me because I prefer topping so at least we are compatible there, but the BJ issue is really becoming a problem and I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me.
     
    #1 patrickarcher, Nov 6, 2015
  2. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    You were abused and it is traumatizing you. That is normal.
    Can you talk to someone about this?
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Nov 6, 2015
  3. zeecoop

    zeecoop
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    As said above, if you've been traumatised then its normal and I wouldnt say its your fault.

    I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable. It wouldn't be fair or healthy for you to do anything you don't want to do, especially with trauma.

    You could seek to speak with someone though about it though, that could help!
     
    #3 zeecoop, Nov 10, 2015
  4. MtnCase

    MtnCase
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    I don't know when the last time it was brought up between you and your bf that you're uncomfortable with that, but if it has been a while you could remind him you don't like it and gently explain what/how it makes you think and feel to do it. If he really cares about you then he will probably realize that he doesn't want to make you go through that anymore.
     
    #4 MtnCase, Nov 10, 2015
  5. Cory675

    Cory675
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    Explain again to your boyfriend why it traumatizes you and really try to make him understand. Be as vulnerable as you need to. Be gentle with your boyfriend on this issue. He probably doesn't mean any harm, and probably doesn't mean to be insensitive. He most likely just isn't able to conceive how much it really traumatizes you.

    I don't know how old you are and if you have access to these types of resources, but I would really really encourage you to also deal with this with a psychologist or a sex therapist. There's no shame in seeking help, I myself have seen a therapist, and it really does help! It would probably be a good idea to take your boyfriend with you at some point. A therapist would probably be able to help your boyfriend become more understanding, and would help you deal with your own trauma and perhaps start to associate oral sex with making love rather than with abuse.
     
    #5 Cory675, Nov 10, 2015
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