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Closet Roundabout.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Tanith, Nov 14, 2015.

  1. Tanith

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2015
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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi there!

    I really need advice. I'm trapped in a cycle and it keeps getting worse- I don't know how to handle it. It's burning me up inside, making me want to stop being.

    Basically, I came out to myself when I was 13. I told a friend when I was 14, she told a mutual friend and then suddenly it was all over the school. I had to tell my parents because if I didn't, somebody else would. I told them I was bi, because it was easier, but my mum asked me to choose. I chose girls, because really I didn't even like boys. The idea of being with them made me physically ill.

    And then I told my dad. And he didn't take it so well. All it took then was for the girls in my school to kick me out of the changing rooms, a bit of stick from a teacher and some of the same girls cornering me in the bathroom with abuse to send me running. I said I lied, was mistaken. I wasn't gay. I wasn't like that.

    Except, of course, I was. Now it's been years, and every time I come out something goes wrong, I freak out and back into my safe space. It's getting worse, though. Last year, I worked and lived with some people, and when I denied being gay it didn't work. They knew me. So I slept with a guy, hated it, and proved to myself that I was gay.

    I proved to them that I was straight. I couldn't believe it worked! So every time I wanted to feel safe, I did it again, each time feeling sick. A few times I actually was. Not just the sex, but the fact I was being so dishonest. I sickened myself.

    I was a real life "girl who cried wolf." And then I got this really great job, in a CofE Primary School. I accidentally let slip to a coworker that my ex was a girl, and got a bit panicky. I told her I was only attracted to women when drunk, and to prove it, I'm dating a man. I can't bring myself to sleep with him, though, and I know it's not fair to him. If it got back to my headteacher she'd find an excuse to fire me. It's not like I haven't given her enough to choose from.

    The guy is lovely. I told him I might struggle to sleep with him, and he assumed that I'd had a traumatic experience. He said he'd wait for me. I can't break up with him- he's my best friend's husband's friend. I can't stay with him either- it's clearly unfair. I know he deserves the truth, but I'm too scared to give him that.

    I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm my own worst enemy, and it's scary. I'm so actively into Gay Rights, I think I'm hoping he might figure it out. I think he probably just thinks I believe in equality, though. I want to be a strong, proud, out person, but I'm so afraid of what it brings!
    I feel like I'm betraying myself, and other gay people. Especially kids in my school, who might grow up gay- and I don't know why. I think they're so heavily exposed to heterosexuality, it would be nice for them to know someone gay- but I wouldn't tell them, even though my straight colleagues broadcast boyfriends and husbands.

    I'm sorry for the long post. Really I am.
    Tanith :help:
     
  2. Xeron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2015
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    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    That does indeed seem like a tough situation.

    Being a "girl who cried wolf" for so long may be your biggest enemy in this matter. You've taught yourself to care about what others think of you to a fault. You need to feel comfortable with yourself. I think that might entail being even more insightful about yourself an even more than that; taking action about something and sticking to that action.

    It can start small, but just something to build up your confidence as you. For me, I've been wearing a rainbow handwarmer during cold days at home and while I'm out. It's a small addition, but just enough for me to feel okay with myself if I were out to multiple people. Onlookers may catch it and think "he must be gay," but they wouldnt truly know without knowing you first, so it's not a concern of theirs.

    Sticking to whatever action you choose may be tough, but you won't care if you feel better in the end. Just know that you're only your worst enemy if you're not doing anything to help improve your situation. So coming here and posting is a good sign that shows you want a positive change; that you're ready to act, and that's a step in the right direction.

    You're also right in the fact that the man you're dating should know. It obviously won't last forever with the way you describe it. So rather than lead him on as a cloak for yourself, you should probably stop. If he's a good enough guy, he'll get that. You shouldn't think that you have to stay with him because he's a friend of a friend either. If it won't work, it won't last no matter who he is.

    I don't know the whole situation, but if you come out for real to people you know and who care about you, then there's no reason you should be outed to the headteacher. Just make it clear to those you trust that you aren't ready for absolutely everybody to know. That's perfectly fine as well, because overall you should be patient with yourself and start small.

    In my opinion, I don't get why people broadcast their personal life at all. I think keeping it private and among friends/family who are a part of that might just be what makes it personal. However, its not weird and you shouldn't feel bad if you don't have something to broadcast, unless you have something you feel you WANT to broadcast. Then again, maybe that's another sign that you don't want to be 'the girl who cried wolf' anymore.

    This is largely just my opinion on the situation, and as I said before I don't know everything about it. I at least hope some of this helped, one long post to another. :slight_smile: