How to deal with feelings of anger and frustration?

I think that when the outer envelope is at odds with the inner self ... only distress and depression can result.

I think a lot of what you describe stems from being gay and having grown up in an environment where you had it engrained in you that being gay is wrong or shameful.

The fact that you can trace it back to when you were 10 years old is no surprise either, because I believe many people understand their sexuality much earlier than 10.

I too constructed an external facade of being "OK" for many years - whereas the real person inside was just ... existing, and exhausted by the hard work that went in to maintaining the shaky facade.

I was also a 'perfectionist' and worked extremely hard at my job which, with hindsight, was (i) a means of masking my problems with something else and (ii) a distraction and a vain effort to say "here- I am very good at my JOB even if the rest of my life is empty". A sort of over-compensation.

I was so workaholic that, if something went wrong with a project at work, I would stress about it so much that I became ill. Even if the problem on the project was not of my making.

I was also a "people pleaser". As if to say.."Please LIKE ME .. (even if my inner self is disgusting/ shameful/ abhorrent - if only you knew).

Your therapy is probably uncomfortable in that it is bringing a lot of stuff up for you but it is a process of beginning to find answers.

The answers you are seeking may not come as lightning bolts from the sky as you (maybe) wish for, or are preparing yourself for, but they may come as small steps of change so that you can gradually make a comfortable transition to becoming the person you are going to be.

Next time a problem comes up at work, you may decide to handle it differently. Not to turn it inwards. But to manage the issues in a more appropriate way. Not to take it all on yourself or cover up someone else's mistakes. Would they cover up your mistakes? I doubt it.

On new years eve - you may look back on 2015 and realise that actually you have already begun to make real changes in your life. That the baby steps have happened and you are beginning to speed up to a walk.

Being angry at yourself for leaving things till you are 22 really needs thinking about also. The sentiment is understandable but you must realise two things:

1. you did what you did in your earlier years because there was no other way for you
2. 22 is still young in the bigger scheme of things and you have not lost much time. Some people only begin these struggles much later in life!

Your best years are ahead of you! :icon_bigg

 

Hi there,

I spent years of my life being angry (ranging from just a constant low level of frustration all the way to near homicidal rage), mainly because of peers and family. I suppressed most of that, but since I'm not a great actor, it had a way of manifesting as a constant low level surliness and defensiveness - or so said the friends who I made in college who started helping me get out of that mode).And I didn't even consider the idea that I was anything other than straight until I was 18 or so, didn't figure out I was gay until I was 21.

Some things I've found helpful, or that you might keep in mind:

a) The people who are making you angry often either have no clue they are doing so - or couldn't care less if they did know. So, the only person you are really hurting by hanging on to that anger is yourself. And why give the ones really causing your upset the satisfaction of making you upset (metaphorically speaking)? Living well really is the best revenge (Hint: 'Living well' is about so much more than just money).

Once I came to this realization, it was like a huge weight came off my shoulders (and a lot of bile vanished from my stomach).

b) There are a whole range of options besides avoiding confrontation at all costs and putting up with people's crap, no matter what. Perhaps the most powerful is simply refusing to put up with it. You don't need to yell and scream and throw things (some level of decorum is probably in order) to get that point across. Never underestimate the power of the word 'No'. Along with the power of 'That is not going to happen.'. Being direct, while being coldly polite, can work wonders and often shocks people (and puts them on defense) because they are conditioned into thinking that everyone must beat around the bush and be diplomatic and dissemble and all this other nonsense. Tact is certainly not a dirty word - but there are times when you just need to put your foot down.

c) Consider finding ways to channel or release anger constructively. Martial arts or boxing can be fun and lets you access (or purchase) a heavy bag which you can beat the crap out of when annoyed. And it's good exercise. Running, or other types of workouts can also be beneficial.

d) Unless you have a time machine, you cannot go back and start living as a gay man any earlier than you're doing it now. So expending emotional time and energy on regret is non-constructive. Plenty of people come to the realization they are not straight around your age. Plenty of them come to that realization (or come to accept it) at my age - or older. You've got years (in your case most of 100yrs) to move forward and come to enjoy life as a non-straight guy. Focus on the great future you're building (while remembering that Rome wasn't built in a day) instead of the past you can't change. Even incremental progress - is progress.

Hope this helps,

Todd