I didn't make the orchestra competition. I thought the audition went well, and I'm a viola. There aren't too many of us. What kills me is a bunch of my orchestra friends made it and I made it last year. I've improved since last year and I don't understand why I wasn't good enough. It'll never be good enough and I'll always be third or fourth best. I don't get it and I hate myself for being a failure. Viola's the only thing I like in school and if I fail viola, I fail life. I'm not much of a person without viola. If I can't even be good at that, what's the point of me? I know I should "use it as motivation" and stop being such a pathetic crybaby but everything in me just wants to give up and die...
Music is highly subjective. You shouldn't second guess yourself. If you love it, I'm sure it shows when you play. Maybe you had too much individuality for them. Ever think of that? Could you find three others and make up your own quartet? I think that would be so cool. You guys would have more flexibility as to what you played and you never know, you could even get some paying gigs, too! And, listen. You are more than just your viola. It's great to have such a passion but the rest of your life informs your playing so don't neglect it because you might be the next Pinchas Zukerman. You never know. (I read his viola playing is even better than his violin playing!)
If there's one thing I've learnt about certain types of rejection similar to yours is to always ask for feedback. Don't think about 'failure' because you didn't 'succeed', ask what is it that they were looking for, what is it that you were missing in order for them to accept you and it certainly doesn't hurt to ask if you could try again.
Aww rejection is a part of life. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just learn from the challenge and keep moving forward. You are not a failure at the viola or at life. Don't compare yourself to others, there is no need to. Your self-worth isn't define on how well you play the viola, there is so much more in life than a viola. Don't give up, if you love playing and being apart of the orchestra, then keep doing it. Don't let one competition get you down. There are plenty more to have another crack at it. I was in band and I wasn't the best at it by far. But I owned being the 4th or whatever chair and I just enjoyed it because at the time I really liked band and the people in it. Just focus on why you love playing the viola (which is pretty cool I must say).
