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Feeling like a secret im out and my gf is not?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Threelilbirds7, Nov 23, 2015.

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  1. Threelilbirds7

    Threelilbirds7
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    Just looking for some advice.
    I'm 26 years old and I've been open and out since I was 18. I moved away from my small town and haven't looked back. I've been with my girlfriend for about 6 months and we are amazing together. It's not like any relationship I have ever been in. I seriously see my self with her for a very long time. It's still very new and we are still learning each other.
    The only thing that is starting wear on me is that she's not completely out. Majority of her friends and family know she's gay. Her parents are in the dark though. To her parents I'm just a friend. I refuse to meet them because I won't meet them under a lie. Also because I'm a horrible liar and I can't pretend not to be crazy about their daughter.
    Me and her have talked about it I totally support that she has to come out on her own time to them. Her parents are older and very southern with strong christian beliefs.
    I still can't help feeling like I'm a secret sometimes and I don't like how that makes me feel. She post everything on social media but me. She has more pictures of my dog then of me on there. She hasn't changed her relationship status. I know that she's not ashamed because she will hold my hand or kiss me in public.
    I've told her I don't like it when she post pictures of events that I was at with her but Youd never know based off the pictures she post. She says she's just private. I could believe that if she didn't post everything/everyone else in her life. I won't bring it up to her again because I can't make her want to show our lives together.
    I know I am being petty but I can't move past it. I want to be in all corners of her life but I feel like she has 2 lives. The one she has when she's with me and the one she has with her family and friends. Any advice?
     
    #1 Threelilbirds7, Nov 23, 2015
  2. Sobie123

    Sobie123
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    I understand what you are going through. I believe you need to let live her "two lives", but if this is really hurting you, you need to tell her that. Both of you are adults who are in love and if she respects that she will take your feeling to heart. Also put yourself in her shoes, and just make sure you are not hurting her feeling.
     
    #2 Sobie123, Nov 23, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2015
  3. Really

    Really
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    Does she have reasons to think they won't take it well or is she guessing just based on their "profile"? How about siblings? Does she have any she can get support from?

    This is tough. Would she like to be able to be out to them?

    Sorry. I seem to have more questions than answers.
     
    #3 Really, Nov 23, 2015
  4. Threelilbirds7

    Threelilbirds7
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    She has her reasons. Her parents are older probably late 60s. They've talked about gays being an abomination and all going to hell. So yeah I get why she's not ready to tell them. She's 24 and all her brother are in there forties. They all know she is gay but they are close minded. So she doesn't have the support system I have. She is very close with her parents very close but they have no idea who she is.
    I know I have to be patient and be her rock and support her. I'm totally willing do so.
    Its just the secret part that hurts. Every time I see her post something on social media it's like I just got stung by a bee. Its temporary and it goes away but it still hurts.
    I know one day she will tell them. I'm just not good at being a secret. Its hard for me because of who I am.
    I know what I have to do it's just ways heavy on me...
     
    #4 Threelilbirds7, Nov 23, 2015
  5. Really

    Really
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    I'm sorry to hear about these struggles. Yours and hers. It's interesting she told her brothers. Does this mean that in a perfect world she'd like to tell her parents, too? Maybe she just needs some way to introduce the idea to them in dribs and drabs so that she might have the chance to tell them the whole truth.

    I can imagine it's going to be hard. I suspect she'd like them to know. So that's something you can hold on to. It's not you. It's just the situation.

    I'd say give her a bit of a break for now. Have you looked through the coming out section and resources here? Maybe you could find something that closely matches her situation enough that it might help. Good luck.
     
    #5 Really, Nov 23, 2015
  6. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    It sucks, I am in a similar situation but have been with my girlfriend for longer. I don't really have any advice sadly.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Nov 23, 2015
  7. Aspen

    Aspen
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    My girlfriend and I are in a reversed situation—she's completely out, and I'm closeted to almost everyone, especially my family. The only time we can act like she's more than a friend is when I go to her city. For that reason, I rarely ask her to come to my place.

    My best advice is to just be patient with her. I know it's horrible to feel like a secret. It's good that she's out to most of her friends and family and that she doesn't mind being out in public. It's up to her to determine the best time to come out to her parents especially because it sounds like she has reason to believe that they won't take it well. Instead of focusing on all the times you feel like your relationship is a secret, focus on how much you're not.

    As for Facebook, are her parents on it? Are there any family members there that don't know she's gay, especially those that might bring it up with her parents if they found out? If not, you can casually bring it up with her. If the two of you are looking through pictures of an event, pick out one or two that you wish she'd post and ask if she'll put those up. As for her relationship status, she may not want to change it because of all the questions that would cause from people who aren't already aware. However, she could hide it from people she doesn't want to see it or from her profile completely.
     
    #7 Aspen, Nov 24, 2015
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