Hello everybody, I'm new here so I hope I am writing this in the right topic. I am struggling quite a lot lately. I am officially born as a female, but always wanted to be a boy. Now I am an officially an adult, I'm 38 years old, but I don't feel like that either. If people ask me what I really feel, then I say -- a 13/14 year old boy. It feels like I have been 'standing still' and not 'developing' for many years, because of certain really bad things that happend to me in my life, and that went on for years. Now I feel more like I'm in between genders, and I'm kind of happy that I'm not a man either because then I would really look like an adult. But my name and my age points people towards the term 'woman', while that's the furthest away from what I feel, and being called a 'woman' can really turn my good mood into a very bad one. Lately I have erased my real name everywhere from the internet and changed it into a more gender neutral name. I have also shared on social media about me being intergender. And that I prefer that people call me a 'person' instead of 'woman'. But people, newspapers magazines, and people who don't know me personally, who write articles about me (I am an artist and I'm becoming more and more well-known) often still refer to me as a 'woman' or 'lady'. I wonder if anybody knows how I can get rid of that. Every time when a journalist contacts me about writing an article about me, I ask them to not to refer to me as a woman, and then they always respect my wishes. But often people write about me without letting me know about it, and then I suddenly see the term 'woman' again. I'm struggling a lot lately with that. I'm not a woman, and I don't want to be a woman. I wish I could start all over and introduce myself as intergender, or as a boy everywhere. I wish I could change all the information in my passport to what I really feel. I wonder if anybody else feels the same toward his or her gender, and also regarding being an adult. And how do you deal with this? How do you make other people stop referring to you as something you are not?
Hi there! I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I know myself that gender can be tough. But good thing you've reached out here! Now, first of all - don't hug your label all too fondly. Feelings are feelings and labels are just there to try to describe them. If you feel a need to change what you call yourself in terms of gender later on, even several times, that's completely fine. You sound like me in some ways here, but my opposite then. You were officially born a girl but wanted to be a boy, I was officially born a boy but wanted to be a girl. Many trans people experience that sensation of "standing still" since early puberty. I also had bad things happen to me (sexual assault that led to other, drawn out, also bad stuff). Before that I was much more preoccupied with dwelling on gender and stuff. When I first finally took that official step and came out to myself as non-cis in this spring, I labelled myself as non-binary, just like you. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized my energy obviously gravitated toward femininity; and in the end, I realized I was just a trans female. Now, I know that just because our stories are slightly similar doesn't mean we're the same. But have you seriously considered the possibility that you're a transgender male? You might just as well be non-binary, or intergender as you call it, of course. Just thought I'd give you that to think about. ^_^ You do seem to have gender dysphoria; at least social dysphoria, disliking when people call you a woman. What about pronouns? Do you dislike being referred to as 'she/her'? What about physically? Are you comfortable with your body, especially concerning breasts, curves, genitals etc.? Are you comfortable with sex/masturbation? I feel the same way as you when I'm perceived as a male, which, unfortunately, is still most of the time. I deal with this in many ways. They include: -Distractions. I play computer games, watch anime, stuff like that to distract myself and have some fun -Creative outlet. I write, play drums, sing, just listen to music; in generally try to get my thoughts out of my system and into a book or song or so -Having place(s) to go where I know I'll be treated as I want. It's good if maybe you have a good friend or so who'll have respect for this part of you -For me, medicine. I couldn't handle my anxiety, so I needed medication to help me get through it How do you get people to stop referring to you as something you are not? Well... The answer might be different for different people. For me, that's transitioning. There might be another way for you. Maybe develop a habit of telling people how you like to be treated when you meet them? I hope some of that helped and that you're doing fine! xoxo
Ugh, I hate it too. For some reason, 'girl' doesn't bother me, but 'woman' makes me feel extremely uncomfortable even if it's somewhat accurate in my case. Like, "You'll grow up to be such a wonderful woman." Well I hope not! Haha. Last year, my literature teacher always called me a 'young lady'. I told her I didn't like it, and she stopped. But I don't know how easy it'll be once I'm an adult, since I can't stand 'woman'. Also I'm a bit behind other people my age when it comes to social and emotional development (due to my autism probably) so I feel weird thinking that I'm in high school now... I think that when I'm an adult, I'll feel more like a little boy too. (My mom has always said I'm more like a son than a daughter.) I guess the best you can do is keep correcting people. They can take a while to learn though. >.<
Thank you both for your responses, and for your words, which helps me a lot, and makes me feel less lonely. To Invidia: I have thought about me being transgender male, but I don't feel like that completely. I feel more in between, but leaning more toward the male or even more to a boy. I have thought about surgery, but I don't want that. I am quite comfortable with my body. I hate my breasts though. I'm happy that they are very small, but it would be better if they were not there at all. But to have them surgically removed, I'm not comfortable with that. if there's was a pil that I could take to have them get smaller or completely gone I would take that pil definitely. Besides my breast I don't really have strong female curves or so, I still have a childlike body which I'm happy with. I'm quite neutral about sex. I have a boyfriend and I'm really in love with him, and he accepts me the way I am too. But I don't care about sex all that much. I don't mind it, but don't really enjoy it either. But that might also have to do with my autism. Recently I started using the pronouns they/them, but I'm not all that comfortable with it, because it's plural, and I wish there was something better. I think I have some gender and social dysphoria yes. My boyfriend and I agreed yesterday that from now on we introduce me to other people with my gender neutral name, which is also my artist name. I'm sorry to hear/read about the bad things happen to you. I know what that's like. I have been sexually and physically abused for many years and that probably also has a huge effect on how I feel about things now. Thank you for your answer and or your help :icon_bigg To YuriCore: I have autism too! And I also don't mind it too much when people refer to me as a 'girl'. I feel closer to being a girl then the term 'woman', which I find absolutely horrible. But I still prefer 'person' and I don't mind it at all when people call me a boy or young man, that also happens sometimes. If people call me a boy or young man, that just makes my day :icon_bigg Yes, maybe the best way is just to keep correcting people. At least until now I've always had very positive responses, and people were even happy that I confided in them :icon_bigg
Yup, I feel the same way! I don't know why but one of my friends always refers to me as a boy and I quite like it. :lol: But yes, 'person' is better than girl and definitely better than woman! I recently read somewhere that gender identity problems are more common in neurodiverse people than in neurotypicals.
I have read that too, that gender identity problems are more common in neurodiverse people than in neurotypicals. What do you use as pronouns by the way?
Most people use feminine pronouns for me. I don't think I have much of a preference, as I barely notice pronouns in everyday conversation. Masculine pronouns kinda make me smile though. I play a game where my avatar is male, and everyone calls me by masculine pronouns, and since I like it I don't bother correcting them; I like to keep my gender secret. But I don't object to any pronouns as none of them bother me.
It's the same with me I don't mind 'she' all that much, but I do really like it when people refer to me as 'he'.
Gender identity and gender expression are much more flexible now than they were in the past. So maybe, since you like masculine pronouns, why not ask people close to you to refer to you as such? Can't hurt to ask (as long as you're prepared for the possibility of hearing an awkward "what...?") ^^' Also, since you mentioned that you had dysphoria about your chest, have you considered a binder?
Yes, I'm thinking about doing that. I do like the he/him pronouns better. I am always wearing a binder. In the winter and when it's not too warm this works great. But in the summer it's very uncomfortable and very warm and sweaty. I find it hard to enjoy the summer because of this.
I feel exactly the same (well, except that I am 17). I was also born a girl but I feel like a 13 year old boy. But nevertheless I don't want a penis. I think this sounds pretty awkward but I consider penises as a bit disgusting. That's why in the first place I thought I was a lesbian but now I think it's more about my gender. I think I might be something in between like genderfluid or queer or maybe agender, sometimes I feel more like a girl or sometimes a boy but mostly something in between. And I also get annoyed by being called a girl or my name (which is kinda girly). But the most annoying thing is, when they put woman stereo types on you. I can get so angry about this. I don't actually know what to do against it, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same (I was pretty surprised when I read the part when you mentioned the thing with the 13 year old boy, I thought it was just me that feels like this, I feel a bit relieved now actually haha) hope you will find a solution
To Yato Gami: I always feel more like a boy. That's also why I prefer not to have surgery or completely change myself into a man, because then I would look like a man, and not like a boy. I look pretty much like a boy now :icon_bigg I also don't like my name and recently I started changing my real name into my artist name. I already have an artist/stage name for many years and many people know me only by that name, so from now on I will always be using that name, instead of my given name which is extremely girly.
