Where to begin ... Well first of all I love my family very much. I'm super close with my parents, but I have such a driving need to please them. In some ways this is a great thing, but it's also a negative. When I feel like I have disappointed them (they have high standards), I am crushed. I struggle with major depression (and possible Borderline Personality Disorder). I loose control inside myself sometimes. My mom doesn't trust me, but it's out of love. She's worried about what I might be doing because she knows I struggle with depression. This lack of trust stresses me out. Then there's the problem that I can hardly bring up important issues like this because I get so anxious. I can't bring myself to tell her that I really want to audition for an art school next year because just thinking about that conversation makes me panic. My sister and I were/are really close, but recently she has started trying to make me sound sneaky to my mom when I'm not. She also keeps making jokes about me being a lesbian because my mom was worried that I was "confused" ever since I checked out a book on the Bible and homosexuality from the library. I told my sister it's for a friend and now she thinks it's funny to be like "oh yeah because KBs a lesbian" Every time she says it I think I die a little on the inside. I think my depression, suicidal thoughts, occasional self-harm + ED tendencies are too the point that I need to actually get diagnosed/help from a doctor. I brought it up to my mom before, but she never did anything about it. Should I ask again? How should I handle all this stress, pain, and sadness? Daily task such as getting up or walking in the door are a real struggle.
I'm really sorry to hear about all of the pain, distress and sadness you are feeling. When life seems so bleak and nothing seems to fit, it's very easy to slide to the low point your find yourself at right now. Unfortunately, it is hard to pick yourself up and cope with it all, so your idea of consulting a doctor for a diagnosis is a good one, but it's also important to have a plan of action beyond diagnosis. It sounds like you are keeping many of your real feelings bottled up inside in an effort to please your parents. Do you feel as though you will disappoint them by revealing how bad you feel about life? When we don't have an outlet for our real feelings it exacerbates the distress and leads to a more despairing outlook on life and that's very dangerous. I would encourage you to use this forum to say what is really going on. Clearly, there is more than one issue feeding the depression and whilst we are not a substitute for expert support, but we can help you through some of the blackness by offering human contact.
