I am so tired of nothing going the way I want it to, no matter what I do. In every group of friends I have ever been in I am always the weakest link and no matter what I do I am always the disposable one (Right now they are enjoying pizza downtown and I'm here typing this). I feel like my mind works so differently from everyone else I know, and I feel like no one will ever get me (I don't even get myself). I can't even figure out my own gender, there is constant conflict in my mind, and I can't stop questioning myself. I have never had a real relationship and I am also not doing very well in school. I feel like a pathetic alien with too many feelings that came from another planet and can't grasp how society works in here. I am really sick if everything. :icon_sad:
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. What exactly is it about yourself that you think that you're the weak and disposable one? And what are some things that make you different? If you really feel like you're an alien in your group, then that could be a sure-sign that those aren't the type of friends for you. I know what it's like to not belong to something and feel like you're the weak one, and it's not a nice feeling. It might be time to look for new friends and find a click you're comfortable with.
Yeah I probably should get new friends but this has happened to me every time since elementary school with every group, and these are the people who I am in college with, so I'd like to get along with them. It's always the same story: I join the group and everything is cool, then their bond becomes stronger mine doesn't, then I realise there are differences between my behaviour and theirs, and then I start to get left out.
I actually understand this. Although I don't have any form of gender dysphoria, I know exactly how it feels to never feel like a solid part of one group. Throughout school and university I was always an inbetweener with few friendships, none of which were particularly strong. Here's what I eventually realised: I didn't need to be a part of a 'group'. And here's what I also realised: Just because I didn't form strong bonds with the people around me didn't mean they hated me. A lot of the time people don't realise how you feel about these things. Have you tried putting yourself out there and telling people that you'd be interested in getting to know them better / spend more time with them? If not, they will be all too happy to accept your casual friendship but see no need to pursue anything further. One last thing: There will come a day when you meet someone and the bond of friendship will be instant. You will know because it will be an instinctive gut feeling. When you meet this person, they will never betray you. They will also make you wonder why you cared so much about pursuing all these other friendships.
i never felt i fit in, was trying to be part of a group. finally i realised the group thing wasn't for me. the only reason i "needed" to be part of a group was because it was the norm. i have some really good friends but on a 1 to 1 basis now & i'm happy with that. hope you find your happy zone.