Hey, I dated a guy shortly last Spring. We met at my friend's birthday party, we talked and really hit it off. We continued talking for the rest of the night. A few days later I saw him again, and we saw eachother a total of 5 times (of which, twice I spent the night at his place). We never had sex, because I had told him that I didn't wan't to make it sexual too quickly, he told me that he wouldn't pressure me. He was super affectionate, he texted me all the time, and judging by the way he kissed me, he was definitely into me. But, one morning he woke up, he was stressed and later we talked on the phone and he gave me the speach about being afraid to hurt me or dissapoint me, and that he couldn't continue to see me. I never really managed to know why it didn't work out, but in such little time, I had really developped feelings for him. I wasn't that heartbroken at the moment, dissapointed, absolutely, but heartbroken, no. However, 8 months later, I find myself still thinking about him alot and I still have the same feelings. I dated one guy a few months after him, and a month after that, I started dating the guy I'm currently seeing. But I still think a lot about the guy I dated last spring, and the feelings I have are still just as strong. It's so frustrating. I'd like to see him again, just as friends, but I won't because I know full well that I can't see him as "just a friend"... Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice?
Wow...I could think that you really must have llved him to be plagued with thoughts 8 months later. I hope it works out in the end.
Hi Cory, during the five visits that did see him were you able to find out if he 1) still closeted or is out to everyone 2) still questioning his sexuality
No. He's definitely not closeted or questioning. He told me that he came out at 13 (he's 25 now). I don't get the impression that he wasn't over someone either, as he told me that he had never had any serious relationship. I did try and probe a little, but he just said that he didn't really understand himself either, but that it was something he didn't have any control over. He just told me that there wasn't any longer explanation. It's frustrating. Out of all the guys I've dated, this is the only one that has remained stuck in my head. Every time I see photos he's posted on fb, I have a big crush all over again and then feelings of dissapointment. Maybe I really loved him, I don't know. The idea seems a little crazy for me, as we did only date for two weeks, albeit 5 times. I would come off as either pathetic or crazy if I tried to get him back, being that he was the one that ended it and only after 2 weeks. What's even more frustrating is that I'm currently dating another guy, who is wonderful and yet I have stronger feelings for the guy I dated 8 months ago.
Hi Cory, My best guess of what is going on with you is basic human nature. We want most what we know that we cannot have. Many many gay men , myself included, have crushes on guys that we know are 100% straight. It's just human nature. If this is truly what is going on with you, all you can do is wait out your feelings for him. First thing I would do is "de-friend" him on facebook and get rid of all things you physically can that reminds you of him. It may take some time but sooner or later you will forget about him and move on.
Another possibility is that you are simply addicted to him. You can get addicted to anything 1) gardening 2) eating 3) shopping 4)watching Tv 5)Playing games. Do you have these classic emotional withdrawal symptoms? Emotional Withdrawal Symptoms Anxiety Restlessness Irritability Insomnia Headaches Poor concentration Depression Social isolation source : Withdrawal Symptoms for Drug and Alcohol Addiction: Physical, Emotional
No. I don't believe I have an addiction to him. I have insomnia and poor concentration, but I had that long before I met him. I think that the wanting what I can't have is the better hypothesis. He was the first guy that I really had feelings for... and I haven't felt anything similar for anyone else since. In a way, I think he set the bar really high for all the subsequent guys I date... As if I'm looking to feel the same way again.
I can relate to your post alot. For me, the grass was always greener somewhere other then were I was. I could always find a fault with the person I was with, and desire some other fantasy guy I had barely known in any kind of intimate way or a straight guy. The first guy that you have feelings for is always really intense and emotional I think. Also, you were in the infactuation phase of the relationship and he ended it with no real completion so it makes sence that you would have unforfilled feelings about it. It sounds like you don't really know him, and that he was not that intimate with you in the conversations you describe having with him. Everybody seems like the dream date after 5 dates. People have not gotten comfortable enough to be real often at that time and like I said, the infactuation of attraction can be really powerful. After the infactuation, there is another phase of getting intimate and alot of people don't like that phase because things start getting challenging. Intimacy will bring your faults and fears to the surface as well as theirs. Also it doesnt have the fireworks of infactuation, but as I have stuck with my relationship, I have to say that the pay offs of developing into best friends with my husband are huge and way deeper and more satisfying then any infactuation. I say enjoy were you are at and don't look back but that advice comes after years of being in your shoes in one way or another. Also, in my experience falling in love is easy. When you really see who someone is, and you are being forfulled in a new way perhaps by your relationship with them, love is a natural emotion to have. More then love, it's wanting the same things from the relationship, and having goals that are aligned together that makes a relationship really satisfying over time. So relationships that start out without a big bang can actually end up having a bigger bang over time, were as infactuation is a high that lasts for a while but is no assurance usually of great relationship potential.
I will try to elaborate and break down what Guelito said. The guy that dated five times with , you are still in the fantasy stage. In the fantasy stage, their are no problems yet. You were still drifting in the clouds with your fantasy guy. When you are in a fantasy stage you don't have to deal with the real drama and work that all relationships have to deal with after the fantasy stage is over. With the other guys that you dated, you've probably already gotten past the fantasy stage and have reached the drama and work stage.
