I haven't been doing very well. My family's trash under the carpet is showing again. My stephfather wants to bring my stepbrother to live with us though there is already no space for us now. Where are we going to put him? Besides, my mother can't stand him(my stepbrother) and she told me that he is the cause my stepfather and her are tearing up. Good luck is hard for me to connect with him, because if I wanted him even a little, I would feel so much worse about it. But I know he's having troubles with his mother, so he should totally feel free to come to our house whenever he wants. However, I feel kind of uncomfortable around us. He's just a prescense there in the living room, without speaking very much. It's also upseting when I have to study. I can't go there, I feel it would be annoying to him. But in my room is my sister playing League of Legends and I don't have anywhere to go. I spend, however, a lot of time on my computer. But I don't know what to do. Facebook? I got tired of it. People I know annoys me more and more everyday. Twitter? Pretty much the same thing. Tumblr? Fun until I find the sjws and remember that life is awful. Youtube? I have already seen pretty much all the videos I wanted. Watching movies or shows doesn't really sound attractive since I have to find them online, without netflix or anything, and I get bored a lot, so sitting in front of a screen for an hour isn't my idea of fun at all. What else there is to have fun? Reading? Same thing as the movies but worst. Sitting somewhere for long periods of time isn't really fun to me. Also, all books seem boring as f*ck. I used to like reading. A lot. But one year ago, books just started to... not entertaining me. All stories are the same now. All characters I already know them. All situations I have already either read or heard about from my Literature teacher. I'm reading the Harry Potter series now and it is taking me forever because I just can't connect with anything. When there is a happy moment, or a sad moment, or a frightening moment, I just can't be there. I only see letters and words on a sheet. Same thing with music. I seem to have stopped liking music. And I really liked music. I am a singer(well, I go to singing lessons and is the only thing that I love doing, I don't care if I don't pursue a big career on music, I do it hence I am a singer). I like singing the songs. But they're all meaningless. All topics they talk about I have already heard and analysed them at some point of these years. There's just nothing that can impress me anymore. People? Mh. Most people I know are annoying. Agh, let me tell you about people from my school. They are awful. Yes, some of them act nice to me. I know I'm being unfair with them. But I feel like they do it because they feel sorry for me or something. They just seem fake. And most of them... why are most people like this? Shouldn't it be the opposite? They have pretty good lifes and have a lot(A LOT) of friends everywhere and go on vacations to nice places. And darn, they are SO BEAUTIFUL. Like, it should be illegal for people to be that cute. And I'm not saying it like I'd want to date them. I have already understood I have no chance with them. I say it like they don't look like normal people. They look like models or something. And they're just 17-18. Darn, I'll say it: there is a 13 years old girl in my school that looks sexier and nicer and everything better than some of my classmates. Imagine them when they're adults. Also, they are so involved with social issues. They're all feminists. And socialists or something(well, not all, but like half of them). There is... there is a guy in grade 11 that is really cute, but he's everything I'm not. And that's being perfect. I can't believe he's younger than me and I feel trhreatened everytime I see him. When our school was taken(by them, the whole of students supposedly, long story), I saw him one night. I was outside of the school, and he on the inside. He stared at me and my friends and said something that I didn't understand. But by his voice tone, he sounded like he didn't want us there. Like if we were strangers. No, STUPID. I GO TO YOUR SCHOOL. I LIKE YOU AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST. STOP STARING AT ME OR MY FRIENDS LIKE WE ARE A THREAT. But I don't know why I'm getting upset, that's been like that with every boy I liked in my life. Again, they are always inviting us to strikes and they really are commited with social justice. And you may think that's great, and I have to accept that it is. But then I meet them and I don't feel comfortable around them. I feel like everything I say is a political statement. And I don't know anything about politics and economics stuff so it's pretty much like walking into a room with the eyes closed. They(and not only they but the whole Internet) actually has made me affraid of even speaking. I feel like I'm in a war. And I'm not. I live in one of the few countries that luckily are not in war with anyone. Let me fucking breathe. And nothing. I just wake up every day thinking "Oh, feminists and sjws and annoying people complaining about fucking everything are a real think, I didn't dream it. Well, fuck, guess life is awful and I'll have to get through them". I just can't stand them. Sorry I disappointed people. And they're happy. They enjoy getting in a paintball war and listening and dancing to reggaeton and throwing water at their friends and eating hamburguers. And they enjoy doing it for hours. And guess what, I don't enjoy it. I left after eating one hamburger(that tasted like shit). There was nothing for me to do there. And that was our senior year celebration and supposedly our big last day of school. And I didn't even take a picture. Or smiled at all. Or celebrated. Now everyone is posting pictures on social media and writing this big sentimental posts about how school was a second home and all that stuff. Why it didn't happen to me? Just... why me? Why not somebody else? Couldn't I be the happy girl in the picture? Couldn't somebody else be the fat ugly depressed girl at the bottom? Who decided that I would be who I am? Who looked at a cute blonde baby and said "nope, this one will not be normal at all and will be almost autistic and her life will be a mess forever and will never have a boyfriend or be kissed at all". Anyway, I'm just ranting now. Was there anything else that I wanted to mention? Oh, yes. Chemistry. I failed Chemistry. In two weeks I have to study and learn like three topics of it. Yeah, sounds easy. Well, it's NOT. I tried to make excersises for one of them. I'm stuck. I cannot do any of them. I keep making calculations and forgetting what I wanted to know in the first place. I don't understand it. Any of it. I can't do it. It's too frustrating. I don't want to do it if I know I am going to be frustrated. I don't know what I am going to do for passing it. Also, I feel like my life doesn't have a direction. Before, I had models, referents to follow. People that I could connect with even though I didn't know. Actors of shows I don't watch anymore, youtubers that have demostrated that they are humans and not perfect and they also get tired of their own job sometimes. Or maybe it's not their fault but it's just me growing up and realizing that everyone is either stupid or either very smart and I can't understand them. Anyway, before... I had ideals, things I thought on. I had ideas about religion that I felt proud about. Now, I just don't care. I could be atheist, but that's too blunt(i mean, that means being sure of something), so I usually say I'm an agnostic. But again, it's not like I really thought about it. It's like saying "I don't care, there could be a god or no, I hope I don't go to hell if it exists". I don't have a direction, I don't have a place I want to go or a thing I want to do. Well, I like doing pilates and singing, but that's one or two hours a week. Now I'll start History at university. But I don't know if I will end it. And even if I do, what will I do with the diploma? Teaching? I don't see myself teaching. Investigating? Sounds pretty boring. Yes, there is nothing I want to pursue. There is nothing I wake up and say "I'm going to do this today because I want to". I want to start ballet classes, but my mother can't pay anything else than what she already pays. That means I should look for a job. Great. Meeting people and having responsabilities. And probably sucking at what I am told to do. And being abused by my employer and mates like my mom's employer and mates does. Sounds like a great way to spend the summer. Well, there was something else. I will die of Alzheimer. Really. If now I forget about simple things like what I wanted to look for on Google when I start the browser or what I wanted to grab from the kitchen when I get in it(that happens everyday), I can't imagine what will happen when I'm 60. But that is minor now. Really, if the adults on my family stopped always wanting to fight each other and blaming us for it, and if my friends were the kind of taking pictures and being happy and looking nice, and if I were cuter and thinnier and a good dancer, and if I had had my first kiss already(really, who can tell at 17 than hasn't been ever kissed or had a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Just me), and if now I liked music and books and movies and everything I liked before, I would be happy. But nope. I'm this depressing girl who is stupid because she failed Chemistry and she can't learn it because she is stupid. Well, actually, Chemistry is a super hard subject. There is a group of girls who always pass everything with good grades and are super nice to me and to everybody(GOD I HATE THEM JUST FROWN YOUR FACE A LITTLE ONCE IN A WHILE YOU CAN'T BE THAT PERFECT), but they study together or something. They help each other. Mh, that's where I fail. I don't have smart friends to study with. We can say I'm the smartest of my friends. Well, we can't be very smart then. That's how I've been doing. Oh, something else. Do you know about some other forum I can come up and say these things? Because here is most LGBT related and this is not LGBT related. I also know Teen Help but there is no one there, everyone pretty much know everyone and that makes it to stop being anonymous. So if you have some other forum where you go and say the things your friends will get bored of hearing, tell me. If it is in spanish, better(because that's my first language and I wouldn't have to be checking spelling and expressions everytime on Linguee). But english is ok. So goodbye and (*hug*). Hope I learn Chemistry magically while I sleep. And hope those people I mentioned before have awful lifes just like my life is being now.
Wow that´s a lot of things to deal with. But they all sound like different expressions of the same condition.Depression. You should talk about it with someone trained and experienced in helping. Do you have access to a school/uni therapist? Please, do not let yourself believe that people are friendly with you just because they have to or they are sorry. Noone does that. People only interact with you because they want to. And you are not failing Chem because you are stupid. You just need to concentrate and have someone walk you through it. Can you ask your teachers for tutoring? Forgetting about things is another symptom of you going through a rough phase, rather than having a degenerative disease. And nope, not having had your first kiss at 17 is not that uncommon across the LGBT community. Just browse this forum and you will see lots of people that had to wait quite some time to get physical with anyone. I do encourage you to find someone to talk to IRL. Support groups are awesome and you are always welcome here to rant, vent, discuss your concerns and even have fun with us, but sometimes this is not enough. Please ask for a local hot line to talk to a professional or ask your school for a counselor. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
The whole post had a brilliant sentence... This is most probably what is going on with you right now. But wait, there is more... Have you realized that envy, and that inferiority complex you carry with you, is poisoning you? You can't just judge people on how perfect they look. You have no idea about what is really going on in their lives, if they are being abused and are keeping a happy mask. You'd rather assume their world is perfect, and you are... whatever you described, which is probably not true. Like the fact that you are overweight and not attractive enough... Well, if that is you on the picture, you obviously need new glasses, baby... You do look damned cute, and I'd ask you to go out, but with such high beauty standards you've got, I'd rather not ask you out : You'd surely turn me down :lol: (Who knows, perhaps this would make you feel better...) Anyways, you said yourself you can't enjoy the hamburgers they eat, so... Why do you want to be them anyways? To spend the rest of your life eating shitty hamburgers? Have you thought on selling something, so you can get money for the classes you are interested in? It seems this happens to many people, regardless of age. It seems your brain does a bit of erasing when you get out of the room, unless you've been staring at every damned object. That was a good rant. Feel free to come back and rant every time you like. Naw, you don't seem depressed to me. You are just growing up, changing, and evolving, and with all that comes a bit of Sartre's nausea. I'm going through that too myself, at my tender age... Congrats on making it to the university. They kicked me out precisely because of chemistry... Well, actually I was too lazy and I didn't gave a damn about chemistry. You should give Alice in wonderland a try. It's a good book.
