I have been living with my secret of being gay since I was 13 years old (now 21). Not telling anyone has meant dealing with lying and everything else for 8 years. I have been to therapists for depression and anxiety and have only ever told one therapist I was gay, she seemed to try and not talk about it as much as possible. All of my friends are getting into relationships and are moving on with there life and it makes me feel completely alone, because I am afraid to tell my friends but if I were I could be happy to and maybe find a boyfriend and double date with my friends instead of continuing to lose them due to my lies. I know that I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness, but I constantly debate with myself, "If I were to come out, would I be happier or would I be worse off than I am now" What if I lose my family and my current friends and what if me telling me secret makes me more alone than I have ever been. But I know if i hold this secret much longer my head will explode. day by day my mind begins to take over and tell me constantly to just yell my secret out or tell someone and I am constantly fighting it back, which has made me mentally exhausted.
I think it is safe to say that we all have gone through our own process. Some it is more challenging than others. The time will come for when you are ready. In my own process, I had looked up different things on the internet. Came across someone who equated to coming out as a gift. I am a total believer in that it being a gift. Not only to yourself because you are free of the weight that it has on you, but also a gift to others because you can give all of your honest self to those around you for much stronger bond. As for the therapist. I saw one myself as I was going through some other stuff, and events of my childhood were discussed and if I questioned my sexuality because of it. We, as the patient, direct the discussion (when done correctly). In my case, we didn't talk about the potential of me being gay because I shut it down. I'm sure she knew it, but I needed to be ready to talk about it, even in the safety of a stranger legally bound to not say anything to anyone. So, if you are ready, direct the conversation towards your sexuality and wanting to come out so you can start addressing the things that you might be fearing and how you could potentially get to a place where you are OK with giving that gift. I do wish you well in your process!
Is there anyone whom you can trust? A close friend maybe? You cannot live like that forever, so why not try coming out to one single person, your closest friend? Well, dont tell them outright, Try and get his/her opinions on homosexuality, gay marriage etc. Maybe tell you have a man-crush? I did the same, It was troublesome hiding that I was gay, So I told my best friend that I liked this guy, just a man-crush. He was fine, but he got what I meant Eventually I did tell him I was gay, And he was fine with it? You dont know wether you'll be happier or sad. That can be known only by coming out to someone. Maybe try it? Well, I'm online around so if you want to talk, feel free to post on my wall ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2015 at 03:11 PM ---------- Is there anyone whom you can trust? A close friend maybe? You cannot live like that forever, so why not try coming out to one single person, your closest friend? Well, dont tell them outright, Try and get his/her opinions on homosexuality, gay marriage etc. Maybe tell you have a man-crush? I did the same, It was troublesome hiding that I was gay, So I told my best friend that I liked this guy, just a man-crush. He was fine, but he got what I meant Eventually I did tell him I was gay, And he was fine with it? You dont know wether you'll be happier or sad. That can be known only by coming out to someone. Maybe try it? Well, I'm online around so if you want to talk, feel free to post on my wall I've sent you a friend request too
I empathize with this. Once I realized that I wasn't straight it took me half a year to come out to a few friends, and for days afterwards I could barely sleep and agonized over telling them. I'm still paranoid that I'll be outed against my will by them. I can't imagine living with that feeling for years. I personally found websites like this and 7 Cups Of Tea very helpful. I can express myself anonymously on there and in a way you are doing that now. It may be strangers all over the world you've come out to, but it's still a start. See if there's anyone else in your life that you can trust enough to tell, and if not then you always have people on this website to talk to. I know it's hard, but coming out is a different process for everyone, and I think you can work through it.
I feel where your coming from. I deal with depression all the time. And have tried talking to counselors about it, and i felt like they didn't really want to hear me talk abut being gay either. So I just stopped going. And I want to come out of the closet so bad because I think it will make me happier, but in the same breath I'm terrified that it will only make my situation worse and I will be even more depressed. So I feel stuck too. Just know your not alone my friend (*hug*) hope all goes well for you on your journey.
