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whats wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by loveislove01, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. loveislove01

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    I asked my parents already, and my dad made a lot of sense but I wanted a second opinion because I feel absolutely terrified.

    I do have minor depression and have had anxiety attacks in the past. Not that they are common, but the one I had last week was different.

    Usually these panic attacks have a direct trigger. Up until last week, I can identify what caused them- Friends being mean, fight with best friend, and parents nearly hitting me.

    But last week, it was different. I woke up about 9 and my girlfriend sent me a nice goodmorning text and I remember going back to sleep. When I woke up again, I felt scared, unlike myself, and as if I was so small and the world was a foreign, scary place. My parents simply asked me to do laundry and I had a mini panic attack right there. Then again, two hours later, they asked me to do laundry again and I had my biggest panic attack...as in I couldn't stop scratching myself, it lasted an hour, and my dad had to grab me by the arms and prevent me from scratching and before he held me down I made my face bleed. So that happened, and I have no clue what caused it.

    I was feeling a bit uneasy this morning but I had forgotten about it by midday. I was happily playing piano and my parents and I were discussing music, which I love, and I was so happy. Shortly after, everything just changed, and it's hard to describe. We had plans to go out. My favorite bookstore and a movie. I can't remember the exact moment or if it was gradual or sudden but

    I had the same feeling today before leaving the house. And there was no reason why, again.
    I can't describe it but it was really freaky..
    I felt so small. (Not height wise or "I'm worthwlss") and I was scared to think of anything and it was weird but I didn't feel like I was myself. It felt like my rational thoughts "you're imagining things, weirdo" and my feeling were separate and I didn't feel like it was me. It felt like I was observing something through a camera...
    (Somewhat, that was the closest analogy I could think of)

    I felt like something was out there to get me. It felt like "me" wasn't even me, but two people. All through this, I was breathing properly and I maintained my composure....
    However, part of me was like "You got this, there's nothing to be worried about. You're fine , see"
    And another part was observing this scene, (like I said, similar to a camera) and feeling the most terrified I have EVER felt. And there is no obvious and direct trigger. (The panic attacks a week ago started with this feeling, to a lesser extent. If today's feeling was a 9, then last week was a 5)

    I swear I'm not making this up. This sounds so weird and it may sound like I'm lying but it's not lying and I'm seriously worried about myself. Am I insane?
    Can someone please tell me what's wrong with me?
    Am I a freak? Psychotic? This doesn't seem normal. Lots of teens go through panic attacks, depression but this seems abnormal...and twice within 7 days- it's a bit much....I'm so scared

    I'm so scared...
    :icon_sad:
     
  2. TraceElement

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    Honey, you will be fine. I have experienced this before. Looking back on it, the days before it would happen i wasn't sleeping well at all, and i had school projects and band on my mind. What helped me was grabbing a book and reading in bed to take my mind off it, and if i had relaxed enough, closed my eyes and took a little nap. Maybe that could work for you. Would you be interested in therapy maybe? I had a bout of bad depression and was cutting, talking with a therapist helped provide me with coping strategies. Im on here at least once a day, so if you want to message me or keep posting in the thread, ill definitely be willing to lend an ear. Hugs!
     
  3. Open Arms

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    I'm actually wondering if you might have a chemical imbalance or your hormones are out of whack. Maybe see a doctor first.

    Then I'd find out if something in your environment/home is making you feel insecure and unsafe. Have you ever been abused? Are your parents going through a crisis that you are picking up on? A therapist might help.

    Some of what you describe sounds like dissociation where you feel like you are outside your body watching yourself. I had a traumatic event in childhood which sometimes triggered this weird feeling. As I got older it happened less and less. There are things you can learn to help yourself through these very unnerving episodes.
     
  4. Invidia

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    That does sounds like dissociation, which is a defense mechanism. On the other hand, I haven't heard of dissociation with such intense emotions as you describe - it's more usually a lack of emotion that characterizes it. I've had it myself (and still do in a way). But then again, I'm no expert.

    You're experiencing mental hardship. You're not a freak. Psychotic? Well - Psychosis refers to an abnormal condition of the mind described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People with psychosis are described as psychotic. I guess you were at least partially out of touch with reality then and there - but we all are sometimes.

    What's important right now is that you take care of yourself. And keep talking, it's good to do so.
     
  5. loveislove01

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    I have no clue how to multi quote so it'll probably add 3 responses to the thread.
    For me, recently, there hasn't been much of a problem. I've been eating properly, my sleeping habits weren't abnormal, and I've got nothing stressful in school coming up. Also, my relationships with people I actually love are fine. So I had no clue WHY, and that scared me after that episode of feeling disconnected.
    I have depression as well but it's been on the decline since the summer, and I only self harmed during the panic attacks, and I don't remember exactly but I've done it once before the past month.
    I could calm down, eventually, at the bookstore a little bit but it wasn't exactly me calming down. It felt so weird. I was having this intense feeling, as I was not myself. And I remember my younger sister was talking to me, and she was there and I knew her name and her personality and that I was related to her and that she loved to read, but I felt like she wasn't my sister. It didn't feel real. I was walking around in a dream but I had awareness that I was awake and my rational part could recount what was going on, but I didn't feel in control.
    I remember there were little plush toys and I became obsessed with one unicorn, and that had calmed me down, but it didn't feel real. I didn't feel real until I was home and texting my girlfriend about it (I told her first, then my parents, then here)

    I do go to a counsellor, and meet her every week. I'm seeing her on Tuesday.

    ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2015 at 10:46 AM ----------

    I don't know much about chemical imbalances or hormones other than the menstrual cycle. Well, this happened during a major depressive episode last year for a few months, and this month as well. I've had very regular periods since I started at age eleven. But what happened during these times is that I would bleed very slightly during the ovulating period, and the only times it had happened was when I was feeling upset or stressed. I don't know if that's co related or not, but I thought I'd add that in.
    I do see a counselor, as I mentioned in the above post.
    My parents relationship with me has been really good since middle school, and the only crisis I can think of is a minor financial problem that started last year- not much of a stress for me.

    I haven't talked about it to many other people because the incident sounds extremely insignificant, but the first time I had this feeling was two weeks ago at a party. And it was very small, compared to last week and yesterday.
    People were doing prank calls in the dark, using a lot of bad language, and they almost ganged up to bully somebody over the phone but he didn't pick up. Again, this sounds really minor and j can't point out why but I cried a lot after coming home in front of my parents (nearly two three hours?) and the rest of the day- I can't even remember what happened the rest of the day? I might've called my girlfriend who was also at this party with me, and there's a blank space when I think of the rest of the day, but I think I was feeling a lack of emotion, and that lack of emotion has turned into something much more intense recently,

    And I had a sleep-over Friday night (yeah, we got good sleep that night so it wasn't related to sleep) and I remember she was having a headache and turned the lights off so it was dimly lit like that night and I kept getting really moody and "I hate dim lights, please turn them on, this makes me uncomfortable, I don't know why. I hate the dark." And I felt somewhat like that during the sleepover.

    It did feel like I was watching myself. During the episode I was very aware. I know what I said, I know what I was wearing, I know that my hair was a mess and that I was talking to my sister and my dad was showing me these books, and I knew who they were and what they were like but they didn't feel like my family, it didn't feel real. I'm still terrified of myself.
    It felt so surreal. The world was there. People I knew were there but I didn't really feel like I "knew" them. It's really hard to describe.....

    I can compare it to one time where I was international traveling, and I didn't get sleep for thirty six hours. That was the surreal feeling j got, except I wasn't scared or anything.
     
  6. loveislove01

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    I do have that defense mechanism sometimes when I'm depressed. I notice it, but this felt very different and I have no clue what happened...
    I can recount last nights incident in my head very perfectly but I feel as if I'm telling a story, not like I did it. I'm so scared of myself. I'm terrified, and I have no clue why.....

    It's really hard to describe. But it felt like it was a play. And the lead role was an actress playing the story of me. And this is going to sound real confusing.
    But I felt like I was the actress and the character, and I knew in reality that only the character existed, and that character was me. I knew I wasn't the actress. The actress was playing the role perfectly, mimicking everything the character would do, but the actress was separate from the character, and that was scary. And I kept fearing...what if I *am* the actress? No, no- I know I am the character. Then why do I not feel real? Why does nothing feel real. What if I am the actress? What am I? What is the actress like? Is she capable of hurting people?

    In all three responses I'm trying to include as much as I can. Maybe describing it will help. I know after talking to the first person I could about this brought me to reality. I was also in a state of shock and fear while typing out the thread last night so I feel like I have expressed myself a lot better this time....
     
  7. loveislove01

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    *bump*
    I'm really scared....
     
  8. Invidia

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    Maybe you can do something to calm yourself down, honey? Anxiety won't do you any favors. Maybe hug a plushie or listen to some calming music?
     
  9. loveislove01

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    Becki-
    I did calm down for a while- I'm breathing fine but I'm really fearful...

    Hello? Does anybody know...
     
  10. Manix

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    It seems to be a mixture of overwhelming emotions and perhaps a discomfort of routine. Do you worry about the world around you, particularly in how you are perceived? Perhaps secrets and repressed information, with an inability to appropriately share and release those, are to blame; sexuality, personal dilemmas.

    Sensitive? A little, but crazy I do not think.