I was wondering if anyone could recommend a good self-help book on overcoming neediness, preferably a book written for gay guys. I have a tendancy to feel needy. I am conscious of it, and I recognize when I feel needy, so I can generally take a step back from it and prevent myself from acting on it. However, I still hate feeling needy of the guys I date, and I fear that it still shows through or that I give off that vibe. It's weird, because in high school, I didn't really have any friends, but I was okay being a loner. After, I left home and moved 5000 km away and have never felt homesick once. I wasn't attatched to anyone or anything. Now, I'm 24, and feel very attached to my friends, and to the city I live in. I came out of the closet only a year ago, and I get very easily attached to every guy I date, craving his validation and affection. That said, I am very conscious of this and I really try my best to not act clingy or needy, but the feeling is still there. Its like I went from one extreme to the other somewhere in my early 20s and I want to find a good psychological middle ground. Anybody have any insight, or any books to recommend?
Hey Cory675, Neediness has it's roots in personal insecurities and problems with self-esteem. For this reason there is not really effective magical solution unless you first address the underlying problems. Here is a nice article that briefly discusses the neediness issue: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201212/overcoming-neediness I wouldn't say that you need a book in particular for gays as this not specific to any gender or sexual orientation. You are right to look for help since even if your dating partner didn't notice that you are giving a vibe of neediness, you are nevertheless suffering and that is not good. I don't know your personal history but perhaps you should consider talking to a psychologist or a councilor. They would be able to say to what extent you are needy and what could be done about it. Hope this was helpful.
Thanks for the article Euler! I've already improved my self-esteem a lot, and I thought most of my insecurities quickly resolved themselves (or were simply forgotten) once I came out of the closet. I've already seen psychologists at various times before I came out. They helped, but I think I am at the point now where I need to learn to just help myself.
It's definitely good that you are doing some own research. I'm kind of same type in a sense that I like to read up on stuff on my own. I found a couple of other articles that I think offer some useful advice: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201208/who-wants-be-needy-six-solutions https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness Modern Intimacy: Coping with Neediness | Greatist
The 3rd article is really interesting. It talks about one partner being needy, and the other being avoidant, as a childhood reaction to an overbearing mother. I fit both of those profiles : while I can feel needy of the guys I date, I shut down and try to get away from my mom as well as guys that are too needy and smothering. That's why I hate having feelings of neediness. It's because I know how much it turns me off. Thanks for the articles! They were all really good!
