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Self-Loathing

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by RavenTheRat, Dec 18, 2015.

  1. RavenTheRat

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    Welp.

    I've been having a problem with beating myself up about the tiniest mistake all year, but now it's gotten MUCH worse. I get CRUSHINGLY guilty over the SMALLEST thing, and on top of that, ever since my mom had this "talk" with me telling me that I was annoying and selfish and all I ever do is take and complain, I just hate myself. I don't... I don't mean to be like that, if I am. I don't want to be selfish..... it's my Asperger's that makes me go on long, whiny tangents, I know that, but still.......

    The day after that little talk was the first time I have actually THOUGHT about suicide. It SCARED ME. I am terrified of death. But on that day.... I could have cared less if I lived or died. I almost got hit by a car because I wasn't paying attention walking home..... and frankly I'm not sure I would of cared if I had been hit by it. The only thing running through my head was "You're ugly and selfish and ungrateful and annoying and stupid and you're nothing but a burden on everyone nobody likes you all of your friends hate you and they only talk to you because they pity you everyone would be so much better off if you were DEAD. Go to hell Alex, everyone will be a lot happier"
    I'm actually becoming paranoid, and beating myself up about everything because every time I open my mouth to speak now I think that everyone's annoyed and that I'm just a selfish little brat.

    I just..... I try to help people, I do......
    I care about people...... I want to be a good person...... but now I feel like a terrible one. I've lost all confidence in myself...... I hate myself. I can't see a good thing in my, not even my art skills. What am I giving to the world? Nothing. I'm useless. I'm a burden.

    Help.
     
    #1 RavenTheRat, Dec 18, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2015
  2. AKTodd

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    Ok, first things first:

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    You're not a terrible person and you're not a burden. If your mother is making you feel that way she needs to get over her damn self right quick. While parents and children may fight sometimes, a parent should NEVER make a child feel the way you describe. And if they do, they are engaging in emotional abuse, pure and simple. If this is something she does to you on an ongoing basis, you need to find a teacher, counselor, priest or social worker who you can talk to and tell them about what is going on.

    People have this (incredibly foolish and infinitely worthless) idea that parents are somehow automatically owed everything and anything by their offspring because they produced them. This is nonsense. Respect is an earned thing, not an owed thing - and it can be taken away in a heartbeat if someone misbehaves - and that includes parents.

    Everyone would most certainly NOT be better off if you were dead and I'm sure your friends like you. And while you may be young and inexperienced now, you will learn and grow in knowledge and skill over time. Meaning that the contributions you can make will grow over time as well - even if we assume (strictly for sake of argument because I don't believe it for a moment even now) that you are not contributing to the general good already.

    Don't let people bring you down like this and if they are trying, do what you can to either get away from them or bring in an adult in authority who can intervene on your behalf.

    You ARE a worthwhile person and you DO NOT deserve to die.

    Take care (*hug*)

    Todd
     
  3. RavenTheRat

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    Thank you so much. Reading this really helped me to a degree that I can't put into words. I just feel..... better :slight_smile:

    As for my mom, I probably should have explained the context of the talk a little better, but I was rushed, tired and upset when I made this thread. My mom does NOT speak to me like this on a regular basis and she wasn't TRYING to hurt my feelings. She had a point, it's just that she probably could have found a much nicer way of saying it. I complain a lot about petty little things, and the thing is she was under a lot of stress that I didn't know about (because she didn't tell me) and so me complaining about my english class just kind of set her off because I am really well off (and she's right) and I was complaining about something so silly. Now eventually we got to the bottom of me complaining about that, figuring out it was actually an off-handed way of trying to relay my anxities about my teacher being fired and replaced by someone who doubled our workload overnight. But the fact was I WAS complaining about something petty.

    And the thing is when my mom gets mad (which is rarely) she tends to say things she doesn't actually mean. The main problem is ME. I take things way too literally, and that's my own fault.
     
  4. DougTheBicycle

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    Hey friend! (*hug*)

    Let me start by saying that I'm glad you're still with us. :slight_smile: Suicide is a permanent fix to temporary problems, and should be disregarded as such.

    I know how easy it can be to fixate on the little things, and let them build up around us. But doing that will drive you crazy. You need to realize that, no matter what it is, it will pass. In a month, three months, half a year, whatever is going on is going to be inconsequential. :slight_smile: The great thing about the little problems, is that they are little problems, and will not last. :grin:

    As far as the complaining goes, everyone complains about everything all the time. If they don't, then they're bottling it up, which is also bad. If I might make a recommendation, maybe try writing it out. You don't even need to write exactly about what you're thinking. For me, writing is a great way to get the feels out without having to badger my girlfriend. Not saying that you're being a bother, just that I know the feeling of piling things on people.

    You are a beautiful and unique human being. It's wonderful that you are here, with us, today. To lose you would be a tragedy. You have so much to live for, so much left to experience in this life. And when things start to get really bad, just remember the good things, and know that what you're going through is going to make everything else that much better.


    Dunno if this helped, or if I just rambled. But anyway.

    (*hug*) Stay strong! We're all here for you. :slight_smile: Never change. (*hug*)

    "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." -Julian of Norwich