I'm almost 16, and I understand that I am still very young, but I can't deal with any of my problems. I have too many things going on, and being gay makes everything feel much worse. I don't know if I've ever been genuinely attracted to boys, but I don't think I realized I was gay until when I was around 11/12 years old. I watched porn for the first time, and seeing naked girls felt nice to me, but afterwards, I felt so terrible, embarrassed, and disgusting. I tried to forget about being attracted to girls, and I stopped watching porn for a while. When I "forgot" about being gay, I felt even more confused and upset because I thought I might be a straight, trans boy instead of a cis lesbian. I don't think I've ever felt that I was really ever a boy. I like being a girl, but I know that I did want to be a boy so badly. I think I wanted to be a boy because it's okay for boys to be with girls. It's a normal thing for boys to like girls, and if I was a boy, I could be normal too, and I wouldn't have to worry about what other people think of me, especially what girls think. I think it was around April this year that I started to watch porn again, but I'd watch straight porn. I tried to force myself to be attracted to boys, but it didn't work at all. I'd only pay attention to the girl. A little later, I started to watch lesbian porn, and I still watch lesbian porn, but I feel so disgusting about it. I masturbate, and I love the idea of having sex with a girl because girls are so sweet and cute, but I feel repulsed by sex. I'm so shy and embarrassed of my own body, and I think if a girl ever tried to do anything sexual with me, I'd push her away and cry. I also really hate looking at other girls. I feel like whenever I look at other girls, I'm a predator, even if I don't want to hurt any girl (or any person regardless of gender for that matter), and even when I don't look at them in a sexual way. I get scared even when I glance at another girl because I feel like she might ask if I'm a lesbian and be angry at me for it. I think girls are so cute, but I feel so weird about girls. I want a girlfriend, but I'm scared of other girls. I also feel like I'm too ugly for any girl, and I'm half black, and I feel like it'd be easier for approach other girls if I wasn't black. I feel like to most people, black girls are okay for sex, but you'd never actually bring one of us home to your parents. I feel bad about being black and gay because I feel like lots of other black people look down on LGBT people and see it as a "white" thing, but I think mixed race and black people are actually the most likely to be gay (???) lol. Most of my friends who are white are gay, and I think most of my friends who are black or brown are straight, but I'm not out to any of them. I also live with my mother's side of the family, and they're very religious. I've grown up Catholic, but I also feel bad about being religious and gay. My grandmother is the most homophobic. She's always calling people lesbian or gay in a demeaning way, and it makes me feel like crying. I want to speak up, but I feel like she'd be angry at me and accuse me of being a lesbian, which I do not want at all. I don't want anyone in my family to find out that I'm gay ever, and I don't think I'll ever feel safe and comfortable enough with them to come out, and that breaks my heart so much. I love my family a lot, but I think I need to cut them off. I don't feel like anyone should have to fear their own family. It's not fair. Being gay is so stressful, and I hate it so much. My life would be so much easier if I were born straight. I feel so sad all the time, and sometimes, I wish I were dead. I don't know what to do.
Happy New Year, lesbean! Welcome to EC! I think you are being too harsh on yourself! Things sometimes take a little more time to sort themselves out. There is no need to figure out your sexuality right now, or to be comfortable with the idea of having sex. If you think girls are cute and you would like to be around them, approach them and befriend them. There is no need to make things sexual for now. Do remember that you are not alone. There are girls just like you almost everywhere. They think what you think and they fear what you fear. If you met one of those girls, would you think of them as predators just for craving emotional closeness to other girls? Nope. Because they are not. So, don´t panic. You are perfectly fine. Religion sometimes causes hangups and guilt to people, but in my opinion you can be both religious and gay at the same time. I know I am. People nowadays are more aware about LGBT things and are considerably more accepting. Older generations still struggle to understand, but things will get better with time. Ignore the homophobic comments of your family for now. They don´t need to know yet. Lastly, as with LGBT discrimination, all other kinds of discrimination tend to fade and diminish over time. Bringing a black girl home to your parents is not harder than bringing a girl in the first place. I strongly advise you to stick around here on EC and communicate with people around your age that experience the same thing. Having someone to talk to and confide in will make you feel a lot better and you will see that there´s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Take a look at the chit chat, fun and games and entertainment sections and participate in conversations you find interesting. It´s a good way to meet and get to know fellow forum members. Lots of hugs for you. Hang in there, things will get better! (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
