I don't know what's up with me today. I was just outside with my dog and I had such a strong urge to puke and rip my hair out and scream at the same time.. I feel like I've been really depressed lately, but when I plan on going to bed early and have some alone time, I'm never able to really get my feelings out. I'm not a very emotional person or at least not someone who shows it too much. I very rarely cry and even now I can't although I wish I could because I feel like it would make me feel better.. I went shopping for boys clothes for the first time yesterday. Sure, it was great actually getting clothes that I like. But walking around the male's section, comparing myself to "real" males, feeling like I don't belong and like I'm looked at weirdly.. It just made me want to curl up in a deep hole and never come out again.
Through what medium are you getting your feelings out? If you don't already, I highly recommend writing and trying to get your thoughts on paper. If you don't want to do that, then sit yourself down, and create a map in your mind, trying to find the root of the issue. Close your eyes and ask yourself: "Today I am feeling depressed. Why am I feeling depressed?" Think of something you're particularly sad about. "I went into the male clothes section in a shop today, and I feel like I don't compare to "real" males. What can I do about this?" Perhaps you can say, "I am male, no matter what anyone says. I don't need to compare myself to other males because everyone is different. There are fat males, skinny males, feminine males, dark males, light-skinned males, males with no legs, males with no arms, dead males, males addicted to crack, males who have blue hair, males who have green eyes. I am different, but I am male, just like everyone else in that clothing section." Sometimes you just need to hear yourself speak.
I mostly just listen to music and sometimes draw.. The problem with that is that I don't believe I am male. I mean, I am male.. But not male enough? Mentally, yes. Phsycally, noo not at all. Saying "I am male" seems ridiculous to me. Who would believe I was male? I really want to be male. But whenever I say it like that my brain tells me to shut up. And then I think but I really really really want to. Then I try to convince myself that then, I obviously am. I often have fights with my subconciousness.:eusa_doh: Btw I just realized that "alone time" sounds wrong. I didn't mean it in that way.
What is your definition of a male? Is it the clothes they wear? Their hair? Their eyes? Or is it the genitals between their legs? If it's the latter, I can tell you right now that the penis does not define a man. You can change your clothes, do your hair, and a lot of things to change your outward appearance, but you yourself have to believe that you are male in order to move forward. The voice in your head that is contradicting your true feelings is fear. Fear that you're not good enough to be male, fear that you won't be able to pass, fear that you won't be able to fit in with the other guys. If you allow it to take a hold of you, you're not going to be able to move forward. You need to fight back. When it tells you to "shut up," you get angry and say, "No, YOU shut up and you listen to ME. I am MALE, and that's the end of it." And if you must, think of the opposite end. Can you imagine yourself as a woman?
It's actually all of these and neither.. My whole body. I have quite big thighs and my hips are wide and my arms are skinny and not muscular and I have breasts and a small waist and my jawline is not defined at all and I have chubby cheeks.. I can adjust my clothes and my hair but I can't really do anything about my body (yet) I'm used to acting as a girl. So it's not like my mind tells me "What?? Nooo!" It's just this hm and when I think of myself as a boy it's more like a yes. May sound lile non binary but I don't really relate to that actually... It's hard because I feel like no one takes me seriously. Only two people now and they always say "you feel like a boy" or "you want to be a boy" or "now that you are a boy" They don't understand that I've always been this. They even asked me "What kind of guy I wanted to be" and I was just like "Well.. Me?" Oh and when I correct one of them when she calls me by my birth name she asks me about what's between my thighs, so that's always nice.
