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All bottled up

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Outboy, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Outboy

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    My struggles with not being able to come out has affected my whole life. I've never had a relationship, I've never really held down a job or been able to make new friends because of the fear of me getting too close to people. When I do come out, hopefully, I am also worried my all straight friends will reject me. I am wondering if I should seek help of some kind?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    The fear of coming out can be awful and it's like a vicious circle -- the more time passes, the harder it becomes, but it never does go away. It's always bubbling away under the surface and the same questions keep coming back to us, don't they? Every time we contemplate coming out we talk ourselves out of it. We consider everything and everyone else and convince ourselves that there is too much to lose, but is there really?

    If this battle against your sexual identity has affected your whole life, prevented you from having a relationship or getting close to people and stopped you from holding down a job is there really so much to lose? It sounds like your biggest worry is the reaction of other people, especially your straight friends, but you might be very pleasantly surprised. Is there anything specific that makes you think they would reject you?

    Finding the confidence to break the cycle is a challenge and I will not deny that, but you need to realise what you are sacrificing to maintain the status quo. It may be of benefit for you to speak to someone about it - maybe you need some help with confidence or self esteem? What do you think?
     
  3. Outboy

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    It's the thought of my life completely changing if I'm out. I don't like the term 'straight acting', but that's who I am. I have always been 'one of the lads' meeting up for drinks, nights out and other stuff. Some of my friends are married and some have children which I have always envied about them because I want that as well but know I can't. I am also starting to wonder if some friends suspect that I am gay as I have always shied away from talking about girls and relationships. If they do suspect though, why haven't asked me?
    My confidence is shot because I can't be who I am.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Let me ask you this.. when you meet up with the 'lads' for drinks, especially on nights out, how do you deal with the inevitable conversations about members of the opposite sex? I imagine there is a limit to the amount of times you can side-step the issue or bluff your way through it. Do you actually worry about these conversations before you go out?

    It's entirely possible that some friends privately suspect you are gay, but it's very difficult for them to find a way of asking. It's not like asking if you want pizza or a curry! People often worry that they will cause offence by asking questions about sexuality, so they don't and wait to be told. So while you are waiting for them to ask, they might be waiting for you to tell.

    Have you heard of the Welsh rugby player, Gareth Thomas? Last year his book "Proud" was released and you may find it helpful to read it. Like you, he is a straight acting sort of guy in a fairly macho world and he faced many of the same questions and dilemmas you are discussing here.
     
  5. bingostring

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    Patrick makes a lot of sense ... as per usual!

    You clearly have developed strategies in earlier life to protect yourself. But now - in your 30s - they are not not helpful at all and you feel quite trapped by them. Correct?

    By keeping your big secret a secret, and keeping people at a distance, you are no doubt stressed and depressed by the whole situation and need a strategy to move on.

    The thing is ... it does not have to be a black or white. You can change things gradually at a pace that does not seem overwhelming.

    My advice would be to consider going to a therapist to work through these issues. Preferably a therapist who specialises in LGBT matters. It could be completely life changing.

    I would go further and say ... it is that time of year where you will reflect back on 2015 and look forward to 2016 ... why not make 2016 the year to make some changes that will make you happy?
     
    #5 bingostring, Dec 23, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  6. Outboy

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    My friends just sort of stopped asking about girls as they assumed, I think, that I was just shy, but I'm always thinking that they are talking to each other about me and questioning if I'm gay.
    I have indeed heard of Gareth Thomas, a groundbreaking coming out story I thought, also admire Tom Daley for his coming out story. If only I had that courage.
    I have been thinking about confiding in one of my closest friends from school but don't know how to give hints without giving much away. My brother suspects I'm gay as he asked me but I denied it. As for a therapist, I would not where to start.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2015 at 06:55 PM ----------

    I don't think coming out will be good for me. Also, the thought of physical contact with another man makes me feel uncomfortable.
     
  7. AKTodd

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    How do you think your life would change if you were out?

    Why do you think that coming out would not be good for you?

    What about the idea of physical contact with a man makes you uncomfortable? Is it just the idea in general or some specific act or something else?

    Just trying to get a better idea of where you're coming from on this issue.

    Todd
     
  8. Outboy

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    Obviously people will know I'm gay. I've always known and accepted it, but the thought of it getting out scares me. As for coming out, the main fear is rejection from friends and family members. What will they think? The physical contact is harder to explain because goodness me I've had urges. There was one time at university where I fancied this boy and wanted to make advances but the thought of the aftermath stopped me. In fact I failed to complete my degree and am now left looking for jobs I don't really want.
    I just don't know what to do.
     
  9. Outboy

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    Can anyone help? I'm really struggling.
     
  10. Ram90

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    I've been in the closet for a couple of years now as well. I've come to terms with it. I know I can't come out because of my unsupportive environment. I'd rather come out in a more liberal one and then see what happens.

    It is also a problem that I don't want to disappoint my parents, so I've been in the closet. I'm yet to figure out how and when to come out to them because i don't want to hide from them forever.

    I also have a tough time making and maintaining friends. This is hard, but I've come to terms with it.

    As for urges. Yes! I've had tons of urges. I don't know if I can go into a relationship where I am even if I find a suitable guy who understands me, but I can't help having urges. I almost lusted after my best friend in college and it took me months before I could look him the eye or sit beside him without feeling the urge to hold his hand or anything even deeper.

    I don't really have any advice, because I'm a bit clueless myself. But I'm here to talk if you want. Maybe we can figure out some stuff together. (*hug*) :slight_smile:
     
    #10 Ram90, Dec 23, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  11. mychemromance99

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    First off, do you have a close friend, someone who does'nt judge you?
    If yes, then it would be best to come out to someone like that. Bit first try and guage their opinion on LGBT+ topics.
    If they seem neutral or supportive I say go for it.
    The closet isn't the nicest place to be, and coming out to a single person too can be a huge relief. :hug: (&&&)
     
  12. Outboy

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    I am thinking of confiding in a friend. My best friend though is my brother, we talk about everything, except for the obvious! He thinks I'm gay as he asked me but I denied it. I don't how to broach the subject again, can't just drop it into casual conversation! The main worry is years of friendship could be gone within a few moments.
     
  13. mychemromance99

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    Okay. So your brother asked you whether you're gay. That's a good sign.
    The fact that he himself asled you about it suggests that he might be fine with you being gay.
    That's great! :slight_smile:
    And maybe he wants you to come out to him.
    At least that's my interpretation.
    Next time whenever he asks honestly whether you're gay, tell him.
    Losing your friendship is a risk you will have to take.

    In the end people say and I believe that we regret not doing things more than we regret doing somethings.
    So lots of courage to you, hugs and all the best!
    You can do it. :slight_smile: (&&&)
     
  14. PatrickUK

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    It sounds like your Brother is aware, even if your denial threw if off a little, so I would try to re-visit the subject with him. If you attempt it and then back out at the last minute, don't beat yourself up about it or see it as an opportunity missed. It happens! I had a few false starts myself before I managed to start the process of coming out. When your Brother asked before, what was his tone like? Was it fairly calm... friendly... approachable or did he ask in a confrontational way? What sort of person is your Brother? Your answers to these questions might offer a good idea of how it's likely to go.

    If/when you tell your Brother, it would be a good idea to have the contact details for FFLAG to hand - here is a link to their website: Home
    You could ask him to visit the website first and then tell him the truth. He could even register here as a member.

    Telling your family/friends doesn't have to be a verbal thing. Many people use letters or e-mails to come out because it gives them thinking time and the opportunity to say everything in depth without interruption. Here are some examples: Empty Closets - Coming Out Letters
    A letter or email can be as personal as you want to make it. If I was coming out all over again, I would probably do it this way myself.

    I can understand the anxiety about approaching and dating other guys, but try to put that to one side for now and focus on the idea of telling a few people. You will feel more relaxed about meeting and dating other men if you don't have to do it in secret. Don't put the cart before the horse.

    The thought of coming out is daunting. I found it incredibly daunting myself and when I told my parents I almost choked on the words (that's why I would do it in writing now), but there are ways and means to reduce the anxiety and stress of it all with a little bit of advanced thought and planning. Many of the questions you are facing are addressed here: Empty Closets - Coming Out

    Will you lose everything? I very much doubt it. Attitudes towards Lesbian and Gay people have changed so much in the UK over the last 30 years. Gay people are living together, getting married, adopting children and contributing to society like any other person. Many sportsmen and women are taking the chance and coming out, with no impact on their careers. The chances are you will encounter people like doctors, dentists, lawyers, teachers, tutors, who are gay almost everyday without even knowing and you will pass gay people in the street without a second thought or glance. That's how far we have come. In the long run you stand to gain more than you will ever lose, you just need to believe it and take the chance.

    Feel the fear and do it anyway. We will all be here to support you. If you need professional help or support with confidence or self esteem have a look here: http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/ You may be able to get support through the NHS too.
     
  15. Outboy

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    I don't mind admitting I cried last night. It's all too much. What's worse is I usually cook Christmas dinner, how can I this year? Don't feel like celebrating Christmas at all, let alone cook dinner.
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    It sounds like you are doing an awful lot of ruminating and reflecting over things that don't need immediate attention. Yes, Christmas and New Year can bring certain realities home to us, but there is nothing about the season that makes it more of priority to face your sexuality. Don't make it into a monster that will spoil Christmas.

    You can do this, but you don't have to do it now, or tomorrow. You have come this far with the issue, so hang in there mate. Don't turn it into an immediate crisis, because it's really not.
     
  17. Outboy

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    Just wrote a coming out letter to give to my brother explaning how I feel. It's made me feel a lot better writing to someone close to me, even though I have not gave it to him yet. I am hoping this letter could be the start of a slow coming out process if he takes it well and doesnt have a problem with me. A hell of a long road to go though!
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    The beginning of the journey is often the hardest part. If you are close to your brother; if he loves and cares about you he will take it on board and be there for you. My sister was one of the first to know and she became my greatest ally. The bonds between siblings are pretty strong.

    You may feel nervous about giving him the letter and that's to be expected. The point is, you wrote it and it says how you feel. Deep down, he knows anyway and this will help him understand.

    One step at a time!
     
  19. PatrickUK

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    The beginning of the journey is often the hardest part. If you are close to your brother; if he loves and cares about you he will take it on board and be there for you. My sister was one of the first to know and she became my greatest ally. The bonds between siblings are pretty strong.

    You may feel nervous about giving him the letter and that's to be expected. The point is, you wrote it and it says how you feel. Deep down, he knows anyway and this will help him understand.

    One step at a time!