Having a lot of thoughts about my sexuality, and I'm having a little bit of a hard time organizing them and evaluating them. I appreciate soft and tough love - so please call me out on bullshit if that's what some of what I write looks like. There are a couple main themes to my thinking: Is being gay as hard as I'm making it out to be? I'm out to most people, but just can't seem to fully embrace my attractions to men. I feel like I built up a mental mechanism that (out of fear) redirected these organic thoughts towards men, somehow, into a mindset where I deluded myself into believing I liked women. It's still hard for me to admit to myself really honestly that women don't do anything (or extremely little) for me. Part of my thinking surrounding this stems from that mental mechanism; as a younger man, a boy, I perceived the discriminatory attitude of society, and ignorant that sexuality is something essential and immutable, and very scared of society, adopted a plan to change it, through some thought redirection process. It was brutalizing, and led to severe anxiety and severe depression at times. I guess, I just want some objective feedback. When I think about gay relationships today, I think about that they can be very similar to straight ones in most aspects. Two people, doing things they like, maybe (hopefully) having great sex, having relationships with other people in their community. So, it's seems like maybe it's a geographic question on some level. What I can't get out of my mind though, is a post I read, I think somewhere on here, saying that, "When I still think about gay/straight, I can't help but think my life would be richer and more meaningful as a straight person". Do you know exactly what this means? Is it that one is more a part of humanity's shared experience (straightness, in this case); or is this quote overblown perhaps? I guess knowing some of your guys' opinions on what I wrote might help me to clarify things. I guess I feel like my last part of this is maybe more philosophical, and my problems may lie more in a lack of confidence. But I felt like writing this helped me, and feedback would be helpful too. Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays to everyone. I'm also 27 btw, and I'm disappointed that I spent so many years not only denying myself, but really actively hurting myself. I know the best thing to do is make it good for going forward, and maybe I'm feeling some natural sorrow about this, but I refuse to wallow.
What constitutes a 'rich' or 'meaningful' life is pretty much entirely a matter of opinion and can vary wildly from person to person. At the end of the day, and unless they make it a major goal to do otherwise, most people are only going to spend a small percentage of their life having sex. So, does it really seem reasonable to think that that one aspect of existence is the center or foundation on which everything else is built? Or against which the value of everything else should be judged? I would say the quote is highly overblown. Todd
I consider having a rich life to be a life full of experiences, and a meaningful life to be one full of influence. By being gay, you increase the variety of your experiences, and, since gay people are more likely to be successful in general, you increase your influence. Thus, whoever said that was, in fact, stating the opposite of truth.
IMHO Gay relationships or any relationships for that matter can be the same as straight relationships because there is no standardized definition for what a relationship is. Two people in a relationship can determine the inner and outer boundaries of the relationship and make it work however they want. So "more meaningful as a straight person" is a singular thought that the original poster could've had. It's his personal feeling. I'm not saying it's right. But it's his own. I wouldn't necessarily say it sets a benchmark for the rest of us. I don't agree completely about the geographic level. But I see what you said has merit. By geographic level, I presume you are referring to the customs, traditions and levels of LGBT Homophobia different countries and places have nowadays. Yes that might define the relationship, but in the end I'd say it's up to the people involved in it. (*hug*) I'm glad you are moving forward. It's always good to think positively. That can solve half the problem in an instant.
Hey there! And welcome to EC! :smilewave It could mean a few things. Among which: - Being straight is easier. You don't have to spend so much time thinking about yourself. You don't have to spend time coming out. You have an easier time finding a partner. You don't have to explain yourself to other people. Kids can be gotten the natural way. In some cases it's just easier to fall into specific roles without giving things more thought. And if you ask me, that's not entirely true. I mean, strictly speaking it is. Being straight IS easier, even in accepting places. It's easy to have a beaten track. And I suppose spending less time on introspection and finding compatible people might sound like it leaves more time for meaningful stuff. However, in my experience, ease does not equal extra meaning and depth. Many straight people I know seem to go through the motions in both life and in a relationship. While I know gay people whose lives are as deep and meaningful as it gets. In my most conceited moments, I think my boyfriend and I know more about deep and rich personal connection than most of my straight friends do. In part because it WASN'T easy, and we learned to NOT take anything for granted. - It's a popular line of some (mainly religious) groups. That males have some "essence of masculinity". Which can only be truly complete by a woman's "Essence of Femininity". And that two men just can't be as compatible as a man and a woman can be. And... while the average male is going to be different from the average female, I tend to think that averages only tell part of the story. Different people have different traits, and thus require different partners. And in some traits you want similarity (say, interests), in other you want complementarity (say, one of you is a klutz, you might like a partner who's somewhat handy). So no. There is no "a man needs a woman". "A man" doesn't exist. There's only very specific people, who need specific other people. In which gender is only one part of the equation, and not even the essential one. - Finally: there's some part of it that might be about relating to straight people. If you're gay, sometimes you do end up being the odd one out. All of your friends are noticing the cute waitress while you barely noticed your drinks arrived. Or some of your friends make a joke and you're the one that has to either shut up or tell them they're being really hurtful and insensitive. There are indeed a lot of shared experiences that straight people have that gay people just don't. But then again: is a shared experience necessary for a richer or more meaningful life? It's easier, yes. But in my experience, the right kind of friends will appreciate a novel or differing opinion over just having a yes-man for a friend. Which can be richer and more meaningful than just being "one of the boys". So: if you ask me: the line you're quoting is not really true. Oh, I felt like it when I was coming out (at 26. So you're really not that late!). But in the years since, I found life is every bit as full as any other. Sorrow to have taken some time is normal. We've all been there. But you don't have to "make good" on it. You didn't waste time. You were busy working it out and it takes the time it takes. A big thumbs up for refusing to wallow and moving forward as you should!
