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Why Compliments make me Insecure

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Steve FS, Dec 24, 2015.

  1. Steve FS

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    Hello everyone. This is more of a brainstorm/rant thread. I need a way to get all my thoughts down so that I can figure out why exactly it is that I feel this way.

    For some reason, every time I receive a compliment from someone, I get a tiny spark of happiness, followed by a deep feeling of self-loathing. I just feel like I don't believe their words. The same situation happened again recently, and it almost drove me to a bout of depression.

    Funny thing is this has never happened before until the start of 2014, when I tried to really make myself look attractive. This was following several years of self-sabotage and weight gain, emotional abuse from parents and friends, and my struggle with my sexuality. Ever since then, every single compliment I get about my physical appearance, I get hyper defensive.

    For example, I wore a hat to class one day. My friend said, "You look nice!" and my knee-jerk reaction was to tell her to flip her off and tell her to "shut up." I felt so bad - I don't know why I said that. That is so not like me, and I ended up having to tell her that I was "joking". But was I really?

    When it comes to online compliments, the same thing happens, except I feel even worse. It didn't used to before.

    I feel like this is why I take so many pictures of myself. I feel like I'm trying to gain some sense of confidence, but no matter what I do, no matter what pic I take, I just can't seem to be happy with myself.

    Maybe... maybe I feel like the pictures that I take don't represent me. I mean yes, they can look nice, and they ARE me, but I feel like there's a disconnect between my pictures and who I am in real life. I'm afraid that if someone were to see me in real life, they'd go "You don't look like your pictures at all."

    And then maybe, just maybe, I am actually ugly, and I've been ugly all this time.

    A BIG reason is my weight. No, I'm not morbidly obese, but I was definitely obese at one point in my life (right out of high school). I've lost so much weight since then, but I look in the mirror and I can STILL SEE that fatty that used to eat himself to sleep.

    I don't know. :bang:

    This is seriously ruining my chances in relationships. I was talking to this guy, and he showed me a picture of himself, and omg. He was really attractive, but I started to feel like I didn't deserve him. That yes, he likes my picture, but he doesn't know how I look like in real life, and when I do see him, he's going to reject me.

    Fuck. I can't stand this mindset.
     
  2. DreamerBoy17

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    Hey, Steve FS. Firstly: (*hug*)

    I actually am in a similar situation to you, in a way. I take many, many pictures of myself, but never quite "connect" with them like you described. I feel like I could never actually look as good as that person. I have the same fear that I am unattractive, and that I will be overlooked by many due to my perceived bad looks, no matter how my personality is. Even being around conventionally attractive people is difficult for me. I feel unworthy, somehow. Dysphoria doesn't help with things, on top of that. Feeling inadequate to cisgender guys isn't fun at all. It's hard not to be jealous sometimes. You're not alone.

    Unlike you, I've never had a major struggle with weight. I guess I have a little chub, but it isn't something I'm super self-conscious about. I've seen a lot of your posts about working out. Honestly, I think you need to take it easy a little bit. Don't stress yourself out or overwork yourself. It probably won't stop you, but just don't hurt yourself, okay?

    For what it's worth, I really like your personality. And I am 100% positive that if I met you in real life, I would still like that person. I'm sure you look a lot better than you perceive yourself. Love yourself.
     
    #2 DreamerBoy17, Dec 24, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015
  3. awesomeyodais

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    There's a common thread among many un-str8 people of feeling like they need to be perfect at everything else because they feel they don't follow the "norm" in one aspect.

    I also do have problems accepting compliments, without finding a small flaw in what they are complimenting, to at least minimize the importance of it. More and more, I also think it's because for a long time I was scared of being found out, that the one compliment showed interest and further interest would reveal the "big secret aka big flaw". And judgement would follow. Not sure if that's part of your situation but I thought I'd put it out there if it can help recognize something.
     
  4. Steve FS

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    Aw, thank you.

    Honestly, there's nothing to be jealous about with cismales. I look at you and I do see a male. In fact, I didn't know that you were transitioning until you mentioned it!
     
  5. Euler

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    Hi Steve,

    You are certainly not alone with your emotions. I have somewhat similar problem but the difference is I feel awkward when people compliment me and I don't really know what to say in response. This is especially true if it comes from someone who I care about. I am actually quite happy about compliments from strangers. Then again in my culture compliments are rare anyway so it's not such a big problem.

    If I had to take a guess I would say in your case your feelings towards compliments stem from the emotional abuse you suffered from your family and friends. You never really processed the damage this did to you but rather just moved on and didn't look back. Now, you have an unaddressed internal conflict that manifests itself in this way. Was this abuse somehow related to your appearance or weight?
     
  6. hapa

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    You're just extremely insecure.

    Whether you are ugly or not is irrelevant, your issues stem from your anxiety and your obsession with self image and physical beauty.
     
  7. Steve FS

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    I think it actually is relevant, no? Isn't that the whole point.

    I think you are right and that I have an obsession with self image. Perhaps my problem is I seek validation. That always ends up backfiring, because.. maybe the person I really need validation from is myself.

    Question is: how does one get to that point and stop obsessing over these thoughts?
     
  8. Michael

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    I felt like you at some point of my life, but for different reasons : Being aware that the compliments went for that piece of flesh I was carrying around with me... Which is not the real me, so I'm still not ok with compliments, let alone when somebody say a (well meant) 'this looks nice on you, makes you look more (insert wrong gender here)'.

    Still, there is one thing that there is for sure : You are not ok with yourself, so this little hurt kid inside of you might think 'They are making fun of me'... And most of them are not, they just belong to the slimy species who needs to spread compliments.

    There are ways and ways to express a sincere compliment. Most of people have no idea how, and they just say 'oh, you look nice' or 'I like it when you...', but not everyone is like this.

    Main idea is that if you don't like yourself, compliments will feel like bad/sick mean jokes. At the end of the day, no matter if right or wrong, it is you who reacts with the emotion, all your emotional responses come from your skull.
     
  9. hapa

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    "Question is: how does one get to that point and stop obsessing over these thoughts?"

    I have no idea tbh, I obsess over my looks too. It's mostly to do with my anxiety and insecurity issues though.
     
  10. CameOutSwinging

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    I think the reason it's not relevant is because, to use a tried and true cliche, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Nobody is going to be everybody's cup of tea. Even celebrities who seemingly everyone finds attractive, some people will disagree and say that they are not.

    So the real issue here is all about you feeling comfortable with yourself. It's something I struggle with as well. FB has that memories feature and I see all the time photos from back when I weighed almost 60 lbs more than I do now, back when I wasn't fit and exercising every single day. I'll admit, while I don't always feel the most attractive, I don't question when people find me attractive. I used to say all the time that my wife, who I think is really beautiful, made me feel even more attractive because of how gorgeous she is. Like, if somebody like that wants to be with me, I must be okay! And her beauty is truly in my eyes as well.
     
  11. lovetoomuch

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    Interesting post Steve FS and I find myself in the same situation very often. Personal story that legitimately happened yesterday. I posted a picture online with my brother yesterday and said, "He got all the good looks." (was kind of a joke, kind of wasn't). A girl proceeded to text me and say, "Face it, you're good looking."

    This caused me to think 3 things. 1.) I don't believe you. 2.) I sound desperate as hell and like I'm fishing for compliments, even though I really wasn't. 3.) How is anyone ever going to find me attractive if I don't even find myself attractive?

    Like you, I have never accepted compliments well. If someone says to me, "You look good today," I think, "What does that mean every other day?" I find a negative with every compliment. Someone could say to me, "You're good looking." I think, "My acne makes me ugly."

    I think the real problem for me (I don't know if it's the same thing for you) is that I have a picture in my head of what "physical attractiveness" is. I think no one can be physically attractive unless they have model-like looks. The thought of someone finding me attractive is unfathomable. Do I think I'm ugly? No. Good looking? No.

    I didn't face much bullying in the past. But one thing I do remember is my second day of dorming freshman year, my roommate called me "ugly" on Twitter and his sister said I looked like a sloth. I wish I never saw those comments. Do I care what those two jerks personally think? No, not really. But now I fear that everyone thinks the same things. I didn't really have girls hitting on me growing up. Since college, more people have been noticing me, but that one time being called "ugly" has scarred me.

    But what we have to realize is it shouldn't matter what I think of myself; I know I will never find myself extremely good looking, but I should gain confidence. I'm really trying to gain confidence at this point.
    It shouldn't matter what some jerk, straight dude thinks of me (I still don't understand why a straight guy was judging another guy based on looks).
    What matters is what our future partner thinks. If he finds me attractive and makes me feel like I'm attractive each and every day, I'll be happy. Think about it. Why do you want to feel attractive? While I assume you want to personally feel attractive for yourself, you also do it to hopefully find love.

    I have faith in you. I hope we both gain confidence some day. :slight_smile:
     
  12. angeluscrzy

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    I have a problem with any compliments as well. I just don't believe them, and brush it off. I hate pictures of myself, as I too feel like I don't connect with the image I see reflected. That said, I am trying to work on changing that way of thinking.
    And for what it's worth Steve FS, I've read many of your posts and seen your profile pic changes and you seem quite adorable both in appearance and personality. :icon_bigg
     
    #12 angeluscrzy, Dec 26, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  13. Chip

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    Hi, Steve.

    What you're describing is textbook classic shame, the deeply held, fundamental belief that we are not worthy of love and belonging. The problem is, shame hides out deep in the unconscious and sends out little tentacles into lots of other places:

    -- Perfectionism is shame. It's a shield against imperfection that simply doesn't work, because we never actually achieve perfection. No matter how hard we try, we always come back to "Well, it could have been better." This, in turn, drives a spiral of "not _________ enough" (talented, smart, handsome, good, capable... you get the idea.)

    -- Perfectionism and related shame, in turn, drives the inability to accept compliments, because the underlying message, again, is "I'm not ___________ enough", so when someone compliments us, our immediate, visceral response is, "That isn't true" or "I don't deserve that" or "If only you knew the truth." (Of course this "truth" isn't true.) So in fact, deep down, you don't believe their words, because you don't believe you're worthy, or good enough.

    It makes sense that paying attention to your appearance and caring about yourself would bring about these feelings. As long as you're self-sabotaging, you're reinforcing the deeply held beliefs, and everything is fine. But as soon as you start challenging those beliefs, standing up for yourself, asking for what you need... then the shame gremlins start coming out. One of the biggest ones is "Who do you think you are?" It's a powerful way of cutting down your attempts to ask for what you need, because, again, the underlying message is "I don't deserve this."

    And yes, the obsessive selfies are another means of (ineffectively) coping with the shame. What you're doing there is externalizing your sense of self-worth by relying on comments from others to prove your worthiness. And of course, that doesn't work for a variety of reasons. First, consciously you reject the compliments because unconsciously you don't believe they're authentic or deserved. Second, you start hitching your self-worth to the comments others make. That, in turn, drives the obsession with "likes" and comments; if you don't get enough positive impact, it again starts putting you into a tailspin. This is because all of this is simply hustling for worthiness instead of drawing your sense of worthiness from yourself and simply believing you're worthy.

    And then....those issues are, of course, affecting relationships. Because... if you don't feel worthy, then you won't believe you're worthy of anyone in a relationship. The unconscious message is "If only he knew the truth... he wouldn't go out with me", which leads to super clingy behavior, jealousy, controlling behaviors, distrust, and all sorts of other things. All driven by the shame.

    The good news is... it is changeable. It won't happen overnight, but you can start today to work on it. The first step is beginning to understand where it's happening. At the beginning, that's a little overwhelming because those shame tentacles are usually everywhere. But shame is extinguished by... calling attention to it, and treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Whenever you find yourself engaging in self-criticism, stop and notice it. Replace the critical thought with a more compassionate thought. Give yourself a break and realize that you're learning to do better.

    Shame work is so basically fundamental to just about everything. If this resonates with you, I suggest checking out Brené Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and watching her three TED talks (Power of Vulnerability, Price of Invulnerability and Listening to Shame).

    And... just keep talking here, and if you're lucky enough to have friends you can talk ato about this sort of stuff, with friends. Share what you're feeling, but do so with people who have earned the right, by showing themselves to be trustworthy to hear what you have to say. Experiencing empathy and compassion is the single strongest way to begin to facilitate that change.
     
  14. Distant Echo

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    Steve. You can do this.
    You are an amazing person. I know I've said that before, but that's because you are. I know you are struggling at home. Well, here is a mother who is proud of all you achieve. And I know you can do this. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Steve FS

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    Thank you all for the comments. I spent my entire morning thinking about what I should do, and why I feel this way. I feel like the best thing is to get rid of all pictures of myself on EC and other places, and just focus on... I don't even know. Focusing on something. Ugh, I'll figure it out.

    Thinking about deleting my pictures is making me quite depressed, though. I feel like once I do that... I'm just going to be less important somehow. Like... "Ok, your pictures are gone. Guess no one will have a reason to talk to you, anymore. You're just a blank profile."

    I'm hoping that this is feeling will go away.

    I just need to figure what to do from here on. If I'm so dependent on my pictures (and compliments) for my happiness, and if I take that away, I need to find something else to make me feeling confident and happy.

    I just don't know what that is. I feel like I'm going to be empty for a while.

    I'm happy for you! Although, I can't quite use something like that as my reasoning because I'm not in a relationship, but it'll happen someday, I'm sure.

    Cheers to that, haha. I'm trying to gain confidence too. I'm confident in everything else except my self-worth. I just want to be something that someone can say, "Wow, if he was my boyfriend, I'd be really happy."

    I'm so afraid that I'm going to be the boyfriend that people will think that the only thing going for me was my personality. My friends told me this and it made my self-esteem go to shit! Sometimes, I hate them for it. I have a feeling that they were the ones that sparked this whole start of insecurity within me.

    But I'm not going to point fingers at anyone except myself. If I can allow myself to feel this way, I can allow myself to be happy despite everything else.

    :icon_sad: *deep breath*

    I am adorable, in both appearance and personality.

    Thank you.

    Shortened your comment significantly because it was too long.

    I think you're spot on, which is why I'm doing what I can right now to make myself feel better. I'm not too sure what it is exactly I should be doing.

    Like you said, feelings don't go away easy, and they certainly don't go away in just a day. I'm working on it. I want to be better.

    Stoppp, you're going to make me tear up. I wish I had family members that thought about me like you do. Thank you.
     
  16. Distant Echo

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    Steve. Have a look at my album. Contained within is the one and only selfie of myself in existence. Pick one photo to keep. Pick it at random.
    And find generic images to display as your avatar and on your profile page. We know who you are :wink:
     
  17. Steve FS

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    I think your hair is gorgeous.

    I think I'll do that.
     
  18. crazydog15

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    Steve, I sincerely hope that you find your own inner peace, and I'm glad that you're starting to pursue that. For what it's worth, it doesn't matter to me one bit what you look like (however you describe or define that). Also, you mentioned something about feeling empty for a while; that's alright. Pain let's you know a couple of things: (1) it lets you know you're not dead yet; and (2) it pushes you to find out what's causing it. Don't be afraid of the emptiness; learn from it.

    You can do this.
     
  19. SHIELDAgentAlex

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)

    Because you need that.

    And now, I'm going to do my favorite thing ever: talk about me.

    Y'see, I have this issue. I can't take compliments no matter how much I fish for them, because I always think that it's a lie, or that there's an insult hidden inside. And I hate it.

    The problem is with perfectionism. People are always acting like being a raving perfectionist is good, but it's not. It's a path to this kind of insecurity, because all it does is expose what's not perfect. And it can be terrible. I've personal experience with this: my dad is, in addition to a cheater and all-round horrible parent, ridiculously perfectionistic. He expects perfection from me, because I'm apparently an intelligent kid, and when he doesn't get it, things are unpleasant. Recently, it came to the point where I almost did something that I'd regret--well, maybe not me. But someone would be sad.

    And why? Because I allowed the man who cheated on my mom and walked out of my life to have that much sway over me. I believed that, because I wasn't perfect, that no-one loved me. But every time I reached for razor or glass or pills or something, I'd get a text from one of my friends, or I'd decide to look at EC. And then, I remembered that I might not be perfect, but there were people who loved me, and people who were going through similar situations.

    Basically, the point of this tell-all is thus: no, you're not perfect. None of us are. But there are people, here and in your "real" life, that love you for who you are. Because, at the end of the day, you're the best Steve FS there is, and you're a member of the EC family.

    Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Are these compliments making you insecure? Should I insult you instead?

    Let's try that.

    Steve, you wonderful, funny, smart person, I hope you die in a hole. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: