Very Extremely Long Story (Be Warned)

first, i really didn't know how to form this, as in say it. so if anything's wrong with it, know that it isn't easy. it's my first time, and I'm sorry if it's in the wrong section. i didn't know where to post, with that said, I'll start with my story. which is or might be long, hell it might not fit this specific support group or site, if so, I'm sorry. again be warned it's very long.

it begins the day i was born, on that day my father abandoned me and my mother, because his family didn't apparently approve of me or my mother. after that as i grew up, she'd blame me for everything.

saying he left because of me and that i look as ugly as he did ,or she'd throw shoes or something at me, telling me to get my face out of her sight , or that am a monster. and at times she's nice. or so she pretends to be only to quickly snap back to humiliating or punishing me.

and that was back when i barely could comprehend what was going on. i was still little ,
so after that she moved on to torture me for the simplest mistakes.

like getting a bad grade because I'm not smart enough, or, just being there, or even because i looked at her, because she thinks or thought that i controlled how my face looked, and i was doing what she didn't like on purpose.

which i didn't, and also one of the things she did was that if she lost something ,
anything, or she wanted an idea on something, and I'd be in my room playing with toys, or just sitting there.

she'd make herself heavy, if that makes sense. basically she made it so that when she walks, you can hear her foot steps like, boom boom boom boom, i can't word it out but, it was frightening as a child.

because i knew it meant something bad for me, so she'd come barging in kicking whatever am holding, or just widen her eyes, and yell saying ''you either find that (item) or by god you're going to wish i never beat you again'' the same goes to coming up to a solution to a problem she's having.

she'd say that and then say you're a man so you figure it out. and if i tell her i don't know what to do, or ,how to find the item she was looking for, she'd say '' i don't care if you have to dig through the earth just to find it do it or i will beat you'' and most of the time i couldn't do what she asked.

since i was scared, i didn't know what to do, it got to the point where i got forced to be on the bed. with nothing but my underwear and I'd get lashed by a tv cable or just a cable until she felt it to be enough, and it went from that to one of the times me saying: ''please no more'' i was next to a wall at that time and she had a big wooden ruler with metal plates on the back, and sides, and she'd say ''i will say when it's no more not you''

at that moment i yelled for help. any help, we had my grandmother living on the other side of that wall, and she didn't help when that happened the first time. so while yelling and hoping for help, i scratched the wall with my fingers and they bled, because of how hard i was scratching.

eventually she stopped and left, i stayed next to that wall wondering, why she did it, until i passed out and slept there. my grandmother, helped a few times when that happened afterwards, but, she ignored it eventually and never tried to again.

now aside from home it was time for school, as i grew enough to go to school, and in doing so, i thought, hey, at least i can catch my breath in there. but, that turned out to be wrong, during my school time I'd get my stuff taken, i'd get, kicked, punched, food money taken, and bullied for just being there.

and i got told by the other kids there because of my name and the way i look, that am a reject, and they're surprised my family wants me. and when it came to friends, the ones who approached me only did so, to either, benefit because i knew something they didn't ,or, they just wanted to steal things, or set me up for something.

like one of them took my bag and pushed me in the middle of a group and they started kicking me when i was down until recess was over but even in class i got the insults along side rubber bands being aimed at me loaded with curled up pieces of paper

after school i go home and just when i thought it couldn't get any worse my mother comes in blaming me for the torn things am wearing because of the other kids and the stuff am missing or that am covered in dirt and as usual i got beat up and went to bed on rare cases she just yelled and i could just go

eventually came middle school i was still receiving the same thing as before but this time it was different this middle school had a mix of people from high school as well so it was 2 schools in one but in that particular school, i got. or so i think. sexually harassed , i had certain guys try and grab me from behind and I'd avoid them or try and tell them to stop and this was an all guy school and it was all new to me these ideas thoughts

like you had guys watching porn in the bathrooms in groups at the time i didn't even know about these things like porn or sexual attraction not to mention the place am in has a very strict rule on sexuality strict to the point that anything other than straight results in decapitation but i'll leave that to the end as i was saying in this school i was first introduced to guys that intentionally try and sexualize younger kids

keep in mind at that time my mind was set on the idea that love is between a man and a woman i had no idea what being gay even was or what it meant but i knew that what those kids were doing was wrong so i fought them off by yelling to asking them to stop and it worked until i met a guy who was most likely 20 or so and got on the same bus as i did since i use the bus to go to school and come home

and that guy for some reason decided to take the top part of his pants off showing his genitalia or penis and since i was next to him i looked at him and and asked him what he's doing and he repeatedly told me to touch it i refused and he kept grabbing my hand and trying to force me and i resisted until eventually he gave up and i went home shocked and confused i just told my self maybe ill forget all that later and went to sleep and it didn't happen again the next day

however a few weeks after that i had to transfer schools for a reason that skips my mind but it was something about the grading system and after i reached the new school the whole grabbing from behind thing is still in here and i knew i could fight that off however now i faced a new problem a guy around my age or i'd say older bulkier bigger as in stronger tried to relentlessly grab me from the back i fought him but then it moved up

he tried to get me to grab his penis by force and i fought him again and he'd just laugh at me and throw my books and things along side that he more than once showed me pornographic pictures saying that this is what he'll do to me and he'd make perverted jesters and facial expressions i tried reporting him to the teachers just like i do to anyone else but i get the same answer ''we'll talk to him or them'' and they do and still it happens eventually i got fed up and told him to leave me alone

he then knocked off my things as in books and bag and we started a fight of sorts i say of sorts because i was weak i didn't like fighting i manage to push him off me a few times but then he grabs a pen and stabs me with it in the left bicep shoulder area he then backs away and says ''am so sorry i didn't mean that'' i don't know why i said what am about to say but i did i told him ''it's alright i forgive you'' he then goes to laugh and say ''you udder complete loser i stab you and you forgive me you really are an idiot'' he then goes to kick my disk over and leave laughing

after that i went ahead and showed one of the teachers what he's done with the pen and still they didn't do a thing oddly enough after that encounter he ignored me and never brought it up i never spoke to him after and when i showed my mother the pen thing she as usual blamed me for the torn clothes and i thought why do i even bother then time passes and am in highschool with that came a guy who my mother married who was in the army which meant more beatings now by 2 and they had a kid who i refuse to call a brother

she'd do to him things she barely did to me growing up she never laid her hands on him she gave him alot of things i wanted for my self as in she got them for me be it toys food candy whatever it is he gets it and anything i refuse to give because it's ''mine'' i get beaten up for the thing i have and or it gets broken by her and well as he grew he'd do things to me like hit me or mess with my things and just run back to her because he knows i can't do anything since she got me on a leash

at one point he intentionally covered my chest in water while i was asleep and since beatings and things like that take a toll on me i sleep heavy i woke up with him pouring more and i was coughing badly seems like the water mixed with the air made me sick i sat up and he ran away and i tried to chase him and he got to her and he was laughing knowing what he did and she was on the phone but she looked at me and asked what was wrong i told her what he did and she didn't believe me and said she'd break my arms if i lay a finger on him i felt so angry but knew i couldn't do anything so i just went to sleep

down the line she got a divorce from that guy and gave me hell on studying once i reached highschool as in she made me sleep deprived blaming me for the bad grades even though i hated the schools here not because of just the people but because the things they taught or still teach are not things i want like they teach you to follow their religion to the letter they teach you that anyone who doesn't follow it is out to get you so you have to kill them you're not allowed to explore or follow something different and i already had to deal with that at home but now i realized a whole state does that and i knew i had to fake my life iv already felt nothing inside growing up always felt hollow either hiding my emotions or showing the wrong ones

after finishing highschool my mother toned done but she wasn't out she still had the will to beat and yell and she'd pretend she's nice now and tries to remind me that she payed for hospital visits when i got fevers or was sick and while it's true she did that doesn't give her the right to do what she did at least it's how it looked to me after highschool i didn't know where to go it was either college or an institute so i joined an institute

and after i did i didn't like my appearance as in i knew i was over weight because for some reason i would get hungry a lot so i over eat so i decided to go on a diet but i went about it poorly for months i exhausted my body by doing exercises for hours even tho i could barely feel my body anymore and i only ate salads along side sardines with a weird egg protein powder shake thing and drank water/green hot tea/cold iced tea and it worked i lost a lot of weight i felt energetic at first

but as i did that i felt weaker over time until eventually i stopped exercising because now i always felt tired and i also stopped my self from eating i'd eat once every 3 days or so which almost killed me i think but during that phase my mother decided she'd like to travel and said she'll bring me along i thought hey maybe i can let loose and feel better so we traveled and stayed in a hotel it was my first time ever doing something like this so i was curious to see if i finally can get a relief by being somewhere new but nope turns out her reason for bringing me is that she didn't understand english

and wanted me to translate every single bit for her i gave her hell for it because i was fed up she said i'd enjoy my self but all i did was translate things for her left and right until eventually i told her i quit and i told her i don't enjoy being her own translator like this i was sick and tired i needed relief this isn't it she'd cry in public saying that if it weren't for her i wouldn't even know english even though i taught my self how to use it and if i tell her that she says ''but with MY money'' and she'd go on how if it was some other son or kid they'd kiss her feet for what she's done

eventually we go to the hotel and she's asleep and i couldn't sleep and i noticed before that the hotel had a small bar and where i live bars basically don't exist so i went up and thought well i might as well try this since it's forbidden where i live and i liked figuring out things like this by things like this i meant alcohol so i ordered vodka-whiskey-beer-screwdrivers-tequila-white Russians and had all of these went back to the room looked at the mini fridge and saw two small bottles one is red wine the other is white drank them both and they tasted awful to be honest after that i tried to sleep and couldn't for some reason those drinks felt like what coffee feels to other people

i felt full of energy and that i could take on anything and anyone so i took that and went to a gym the hotel had and went there to lift for around 2 hours before deciding to go back to sleep i woke up with my mother saying i was talking while sleeping ''like a maniac'' i told her it was impossible i'd know if i was she said i was i said ok then by that time she decided we'll go back to where we were and so we did and i was relieved she didn't figure out that i had drinks i mean am not going to have them anymore and i was experimenting normally i think you'd have parents understand it's normal at least i think so i wouldn't know

anyway we're checking out and in comes the guy that blows it wide open by asking me if was ok for all the drinks i had the day before i told him yes reluctant to look behind me knowing what i'd see but i did look and my mother was beyond angry calling me garbage and that if it were up to her right now she'd disown me she said she wont tell anyone i drank out of shame

shame for her that is not me for me personally however i saw no point in alcohol i felt it was a nice energy boost but tastes too horrid so i said i wont do it anymore not like it got me drunk or anything tho but what i didn't know is that after we got back by about a week i started having lift and right abdominal pain right under the stomach and went to the hospital turns out i got kidney stones and they couldn't pass because the tube or whatever it's called that's going from my kidney is small or smaller than average so the stone was basically in a vice being squeezed and it was the highest amount of pain iv ever felt even the beatings were nothing compared to this

they said one of the reasons this happens is dry kidneys they said either i didn't drink enough water or i had alcohol i said it's water because if i said alcohol and it is i would of been caught jailed and lashed or killed but after that i spent weeks drinking water hoping the stones would go away and they didn't eventually i had to have ureteroscopy which was not fun since it involved anesthetic needles going into my spine along side a tube shoved through the front.. well you know.. after that tho i was in pain but i felt better the stones were broken down so they were out i did however spend months dealing with difficulties peeing and blood and stuff like that during that however due to the meds and stuff i ended up going back to over eating which brought back the weight if not even more

and i can't do what i did before because i was still exhausted because of it and when i tried to i couldn't i can't keep my hunger off like before and so yeah after that i continued with my institute and wasn't doing well because while i was excited about learning IT at first it died out it was always just books barely and rarely hands on experience so i finished it got my diploma but felt like i learned nothing and during the time i was in the institute and also recovering from the ureteroscopy my mother kept pestering me about getting a job and getting married like her sisters kids and other kids and she kept telling me to quit being different

i burst out and tell her she doesn't get to control me like that and if she truly cared about me she should at least apologize for all she's done and i forgot to mention she did do the whole crying and apologizing thing to me before but only once and after that she denied it and said am imagining things or she didn't mean it but after i told her to apologize she goes and says that am mentally ill she doesn't even know why she's talking to me and that i should just go to a mental hospital she never did those things

she goes on about how she was always nice and her sister and all those people agree with her and she says they call her the nicest sister i told her it's because she pretends to be nice in front of them and alot of times she goes mental on me so she says i'm just sick in the head and that am ungrateful and that i should be kissing the ground she walks on just like her sisters kids i just say yeah right am the ''sick'' one she goes away thinking she won because i stayed quiet but am only quiet because i have no where to go no one to help me it's either the streets or dealing with her and her apartment since i couldn't get one they're too expensive and job searching is difficult when you feel you're not talented at anything and you just want a job to survive

during studying in the institute and this is something i forgot to mention i was introduced to the idea of chat websites you know ones where people roleplay hangout and date and such so i spoke with people there i found out my views aren't just my own alot of people share them it's just this place that i live in conditions people to think otherwise with this site i began the whole dating thing it was my first time also this was back when i was on that diet so oddly enough losing weight gave me confidence to try and date i thought hey my mother flips like a coin saying i look good at times and ugly at times when she's being well ''her'' maybe other people think differently

so i started dating a girl who had similar interests as i did be it games music we'd talk and discuss things i genuinely felt something and it felt good and it felt right and i thought that my lucks finally changing the world isn't as grim as i thought but then in time she said she had a drunk abusive father and she lives with him so alot of times she'd cry to me for help she'd resort to yelling sometimes asking me why i don't save her or something and being where i am what am going through i couldn't i wanted to and i felt so shackled

someone i have feelings towards that iv never felt before was hurting and the only option i thought of was i had to let her go not because i couldn't handle her and comfort her but because eventually something serious will happen and i can't do anything so i staged a fight as in i started one saying she always complains that i can't help her anymore and that i don't care about that or her and that it's over and i knew that would hurt her as it did me but it's a must if she were to survive

i didn't know what else to do i did know one of her friends and she agreed to keep me updated on her because she knew i was helping her and she said i was doing the right thing then i spent months with my chest aching not knowing how to make it go away and hoping i would go back to feeling nothing again it beats this feeling i got

over time i got updates from her friend saying that she's still the same until after around 4 months she got someone new a rich local guy from the military who took her from her fathers place and saved her i was drinking water at the time with a glass cup and when i read that my hand squeezed a little too much the glass shattered i was glad for her because that was my plan for her to find someone to save her but at the same time i felt something else not anger or hate just something that i knew was bad

eventually i got over it after a while and decided to try and date again i dated 6 women after her each one didn't bring me any kind of joy they talked about sex most of the time which is dandy but it's not everything we rarely if not never would have something in common and most of them ended up cheating on me or lying to me about who they are what annoyed me the most were the liars mainly one of them stood out she'd for some reason post pictures and says that's her and i'd say she looks lovely but for some reason it didn't settle with me i got a weird feeling of sorts that she was lying and in the end i was right i gave her chances to confess a lot of times and asked her if she was hiding something and she'd always say no and ask if i don't trust her and i'd say just i'm making sure

eventually i ask her again because she changes pictures often and she comes clean ''crying'' saying she thought i wouldn't like her because she's fat and that if i don't after this then am an asshole i also found out without her knowing tho that she was cheating on me with another guy so i told her two things one was that i hate liars not fat people i am attracted to certain body types faces but who isn't (in my head at least it seemed normal i didn't know at the time) two was that i knew she was cheating so she goes back to saying she's sorry and she wouldn't do it again i told her that's the thing about liars how do i know you're not lying and told her to have a nice life and removed her and we never spoke again

the good thing however is she didn't give me the bad feeling i got from leaving the first one so for me it was no loss as harsh as it sounds so i figured my luck in life is that bad it seems and one of the faulty things about me is if you get me talking i spill almost everything because i jar up everything that happens to me doesn't happen often but it does eventually so one day i visit another chat and talked to someone there who seemed nice he was a guy take note before i met this guy i had the.. well i call it the disney mentality now

which is basically just having girls in mind never thought of homosexuals transsexuals or guy in general or anything of the like and so he got me talking and i told him my story like am telling you now and he says so why don't you try dating guys i asked him if that's even a thing he said yes i said i don't know i never thought of it that way and i never did at the time but he said i should give it a chance and that he'd like to date me and i was reluctant but i agreed like i said unlike most people here i like to explore so i thought maybe he's right and this is my road to feeling something and at first it was fine i enjoyed our conversations but he gradually became a little insistent about sex rather than getting to know each other

i told him i didn't think it was right even if it is virtual i mean we just met and started talking he puffs but agrees then comes the shocker however he claimed that he had a split personality disorder and he's taking meds for it and that his personalities change randomly so if i see his profile picture changing and his way of typing change it's his other ''personalities'' at that time i was very very confused because i don't know anything about this so i thought it's his form of joking so i went along talking to each one differently

eventually after 2 weeks i had it honestly and said would you please quit messing with me i know it's you apparently i said that to one of his sensitive personalities (who had different names btw) and that ''personality'' cried and a woman got invited in claiming she was his personal psychiatrist and she kept saying ''how dare you talk to him like that'' as in that sensitive personality and all i had in mind was...what... i told her i was sorry i have issues as well which she says it's good that you admit that it's your fault i told her after that i might have issues but i still believe he's messing with me she started cap typing insulting me over and over pulling words from god knows where

but after all that the only thing she said that stood out in my head was that she was dating one of his personalities....yes you read that right she was dating one of his personalities...and am the evil guy here...the one clueless about it all as it's my first time i would of accepted him even if he had mental issues if we clicked but this seemed too fake to me don't get me wrong am sure there are people with legit illnesses but this one felt fake so i said am ending this good luck to both of you and i hope you get better

after that i realized there's no point in me trying it felt like my mothers words rang true i am a monster and in real monster stories monsters never change or can't change nor do they ever find love so i gave up built a wall and never looked back but as time went by i questioned my sexuality anyway and i couldn't find an answer if i talk to anyone here i risk death

another thing is people that iv met online ask me why don't you move out or why don't you visit a psychiatrist the two issue with that is that the place i live in has people in power that have beyond imaginable influence as in they have money in alot of pockets so if you run they can easily drag you back and kill you it happened and still happens as for the psychiatrist you cannot trust anyone here they value religion and money more than confidentiality if i slip or so much as i give a hint i don't follow the religion or i believe that there's more than just women they'd just report me and again i get lashes and or most likely death

also to add my mother has a heart problem and while she did what she did i still have a weird bond with her as in i can't seem to just ignore her even tho i really want to but something isn't letting me so yeah i live oppressed everyday by where i live by people by the religion they follow hoping i'd feel something one day also now i avoid even looking in the mirror or anything i can see my self in. because i feel i should be wearing a mask i feel nothing most of the time and i lost motivation in everything

the closest thing that comes to freedom to me is video games like i used to play soldier front-team fortress 2- lineage 1 and 2 and now i play guild wars 2 which have been the only things i suppose i consider even close to feeling something or caring for something or being free also am not good with emotions am a bit of a robot in that regard so sorry if i come of as not sensitive or anything i have to or had to learn most things alone so yeah sorry in advance if i seem in anyway cold

and yeah this is pretty much my story what you want to say or advice or ask is up to you whether or not someone makes it this far i dunno but if so. sorry if it's a time waster of any kind. also sorry for any grammatical or punctuation mistakes am tired and i feel like i unloaded too much on here i sure hope not.

 

thank you, and sorry to hear about what happened to you as well, and i want to address
the islam part, i already fake it everyday, am an agnostic, as in i take no sides but acting or pretending i follow it is a must for survival. and as for gaming, am already an addict, but you have to remember, some people have friends, some have drugs,smoking,family,etc, i don't, so it's the only thing i have that keeps me in check if that makes sense.

 

thank you for the kind words, and as for the things you suggested.
1- I'm not, not because i don't want to, but finding a job specially with all the pressure i get isn't easy,as for the compound idea, i did actually try that, unfortunately, they had strict rules about, who gets in and out, it's limited to: A-foreign workers here on a work visa or the like. B- people who have some sort of influence or connections.

2-also not possible, the social security thing, only applies to hospital visits, and by hospital visits, i mean bad hospitals, as in they don't care if you were begging on the floor out of pain, they wouldn't help you, unless it's time for your appointment, which is always 3-4 months away, and in a lot of cases years. (not the case if you were in a well known reputable family or had connections)


3-i kind of do understand that. but the trouble comes in getting it through to my self. i can't even look in mirrors/reflective objects, so i avoid them, because it just reminds me that not only i don't like what i see, it reminds me of what all the people that caused me to be like that saw me like.

i do appreciate your input , and i am trying to find a solution to all this, but so far all am doing is falling face first into the ground, i hope eventually it would change.

 

1- i don't think that will work, but it wouldn't hurt to try. though the idea of reaching like that...just feels too risky for me, because if i get caught am done for.

2- i am and that only works if you meet a certain age and i passed it, they do offer job opportunities every now and then, but most the time it's a salary amount that wouldn't get you through the week let alone the month, and it's a monthly salary.

3-it's one of the ways to deal with it, so it's understandable.

 

because i believe nothing is known or can be known about whether or not god exists , or any type of higher power, but at the same time, i can't say nothing is out there so i choose to be on the side lines. while if i was an atheist i would of said god and the like don't exist period. so i follow nothing, but at the same time deny nothing. but i still want to see proof.

---------- Post added 29th Dec 2015 at 10:12 PM ----------

i have tried, but so far nothing. most of them say there aren't any, except the saudi ones, so i think that's a dead end.

 

i don't know, it's what am trying to figure out, so i can't just say it, since i have no idea.

 

you just asked, what gender i felt more attracted to. i said i can't just say it, because i have no idea. as in no idea which gender.

 

still, the same answer. no idea, at least for now.

 

aside from the first girl, no,well, i did a little with the guy, until the thing that happened. otherwise, no. the other girls i tried to date, like i said weren't, really into what am into or and cheated or lied to me.