In the past few years I've come to a gradual realization I'm most definitely gay. Women just don't turn me on. But I find myself constantly checking out guys. This is uncomfortable for me, because I've lived a very 'straight' life. In the past, even considering feelings towards another guy was out of the question. But now I find myself wanting this feeling of affection from another guy. I want to be loved by someone else. I have had some...experiences with gay guys. But nothing in which I felt like I genuinely mattered. Like they genuinely cared. What does it feel like to be wanted? What does it feel like to have someone reach out to you instead of the other way around? I feel deeply unhappy about myself and about my orientation. I feel as if I could never be good enough, that I will inevitably disappoint another man. Much of this comes from my feelings of physical indequacy. How can I go through life feeling this absence of love and affection while seeing myself so alone in the future? Is that so bad, to be alone? Being gay makes me feel broken, defective. I find myself ashamed to tell others why I don't take quite the same interest in women. I feel, more than anything, deeply ashamed to tell my family. I know that what I've done and how I am isn't necessarily wrong, but I can't shake this feeling of deep loneliness and shame. I tell myself that I don't feel guilty, which I suppose is good because being the way I am certainly isn't a crime; it's just how things are. But shame is different. Shame is a dissatisfaction and self-consciousness that eats away at your will to just keep going. When I look forward in my life, I can't see myself being married. Especially to a man. All I see is loneliness and a sense of despair and self-hatred. I've thought about going back in the closet and just avoiding all of it. But I know that's not the answer here. I just feel so...sad.
There are still moments when I feel some shame, yeah. Mostly in terms of feeling like I have to hide myself to potential coworkers and in my parents' expectations for how I'd turn out not coming true. But honestly? If I could change 5 things about myself, my sexual orientation wouldn't come anywhere close to making the list. As for relationships, work on loving yourself first. It's really hard to love someone else when you aren't ok with yourself. I've been on both ends of that equation. When that piece comes together, you'll be in a much better place to start looking for a relationship, and to be able to maintain it if you find yourself in one. (*hug*)
I feel shame all the time. Because, i'm going to be the one person in my family who sticks out because i'm gay, and i think my family will react badly when i tell them about my sexuality. I feel shame for the fact that i might have to leave the religion i was brought up in because i don't agree with it tenants. I feel shame because i feel ready to tell people i am gay, but i can't because it would be dangerous, and coming out is supposed to be a good experience.
I agree. Your unhappiness stems from you not loving yourself enough, and that unhappiness can bring about feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. You're going to feel like the solution is to find that happiness in a gay romantic interest that can validate you, but that's not healthy. You need to validate yourself, and not rely on other people to make you feel like a good person. I know how it feels. It'll be OK one you're able to recognize that
Though I'm not exactly "gay" and have the benefits of appearing straight to most, I don't feel ashamed for liking guys. Instead I feel my broader sexuality is a tremendous blessing. Even if attraction to girls was not present, guys are plenty sexy enough to pursue without shame. It doesn't decrease one's value to be gay.
Here I go giving advice that I should take probably because I feel the same way. I am 48 years old and just came out to a few people. I wish I could put myself into your position. So the key is to love yourself, love what you do in life, be happy! So you're gay, that's what you are, accept it. You don't have to change anything about yourself, you can still act the same way you normally do. You don't have to be flamboyant or be the president of the pride parade just be yourself. As far as being alone or never wanting to be married, you will be surprised what love will do. There are plenty of straight couples that never get married but raise a family. You could end up with a live in partner. Or you could fall so deeply in love with someone that you will want to marry them 100 times over. I am alone at 48, it is not that bad because I have developed great lifelong friendships with people along the way. I can tell you are a good person. So I assume you are in college or are going to be, but if not that's okay too. Chances are there may be a LGBT group there? If not try a LGBT social media search or one of many apps out there. Just look for friends, guys or girls to hang out with or to go out to the clubs with. Try checking out the clothing stores, there are a lot of gay guys that work in those places. However you do it try and make some gay friends! Don't forget about your current friends though. So I will end my rant by telling you to try and live a balanced life. Love yourself for who you are, accept yourself, surround yourself with positive people, be healthy, enjoy your hobbies, educate yourself, love your family and friends and enjoy life because you only get one shot at it so make it count!
Only just about every time I try to put myself out there, with dating and whatnot. lol It makes me feel very out of place. I don't think it's exclusive to being gay though. I think it's just the age we live in, where everything moves at a fast pace and people are made to feel disposable/expendable. Of course, this is just my experience/opinion. Without repeating what others have already said, all I can tell you is don't entertain the negative thoughts. It might just become a self fulfilling prophecy.
