I've been going through some stuff for a while. I've came out as a bi curious guy maybe bi sexual. I had struggled to come to terms with it. I thought I was the 20-something virgin guy that was just 100 percent straight and had the sexual fantaises of having 3-ways, 4-ways with "hot chicks." I still do, but there were points in the past 5 years I had some feelings(platonic/sexual/emotional) towards close male friends. I'm not going to restate all that story, anyone can read that on other past posts of mine. Anyway, I've came out as a 23, now 24 year old Hispanic guy. Coming out was somewhat a good thing because I felt some lost of stress of bullshit from my shoulders. Though, I still feel puzzled if I'm bi sexual or bi curious. Also, I've been dealing with some bullshit relationships issues for a while. I'm a graduate student at my university but I haven't really connected with a lot of people in my graduate department. I just really felt like I "connected" with a majority of people there nor have they extended a good welcome to me. I admit, I've been polite and professional as much I can to people. I have networked and I do talk to people in my department, I don't see myself as a full-fledge "loner" because that's not me. Anyway, I'm in some honors society("Frat") but I haven't really networked much with people there. Some girl near my age is the president and she was some ego problem as I know, because she's been in my class. Anyway, I never really saw her as a friend that much. I somewhat had some "issue" not a beef with some guy named Sam that's in the honors society and my graduate department. He never really saw me as someone serious in my classes and he came off to me as some arrogant prick when we chilled last year. He has some obsession with Fox News as he always says in class something he heard from Fox News. I did hang out with this guy named Eddie who's in the program this year. He was cool and we had some beers. But I haven't considered him a friend despite having a disdain for Sam and texting between classes. I haven't really hanged out with people in my classes besides getting drinks after class. I never really had a problem with drinking with them except one little incident in the fall. A couple of people in the honors society were at an outdoor dive bar near my college. We had beers and were talking, and I had a couple more than I should've. A girl I had liked and wanted to have sex with was there. She's in the same class as me. Sam was there. And I thought he was "making the moves" with her. And also, I thought that girl was texting things about me because I noticed from a distance as I was sitting she had referred to someone in the table we were getting beers as "that guy in my class." And use some negative words. I felt she was referring to me. I felt betrayed somewhat because this was coming from the girl that gave me her number, who talked to me before class for a few weeks. So yeah it hurt. And I know I made an ass of myself at the bar as I heard the next day from the bartender girl I know there. Everything's cool from the bar's end. The thing that ticked me off, was no one from the honors society I'm in or that girl texted me the next day to see if I was alright. They know my number, but I felt like they didn't a rat's ass about me. And I felt like they just saw me as an inferior Hispanic drunk or something. And I felt isolated from that group of people and I never went to any functions they had for the rest of the semester. I did engage in brief small talk in class to them but it was class stuff and professional, not engaging in soliciting for social events because I was done with them. It hurts to find people not giving a shit about me. From that, I just hanged out with other people I know. I know a lot younger people than people my age. I hanged out with a guy named Jack whom I knew the "Recovery" scene last Fall 2014. I was moderating my drinking without major issues. The hiccup at the divebar was an isolated thing really. Anyway, Jack and I had reconnected this fall. We had drank a bit. I asked if he was "doing alright" because I heard otherwise from people. He said he was. We chilled a bit for a while this semester a few times. I knew his friends. There were signs of conflict in October. Jack got kicked out of the dorm in late October 2015 with a small possession of weed. Attitude change. I felt like he was getting into harder drugs. Jack's friend Jackson had been instigating things about me and wanted to fight me at a party. We didn't fight but Jackson was making a gesture and getting close to fight. I had a nail clipper mistaken as a knife. I didn't use it or anything, I explained to a "bouncer"(preppy White guy) that Jackson wanted to kick my ass. Guy just told me to leave the room and go to another room in the floor where the party was held. I left the party about an hour later. I left the party and got some random "text-threat" by Jack. He said he'd bust my nose and kick my ass. I called BS and I knew he wouldn't kick my ass. He's a lot skinnier than me, he's weaker than me. I saw the threat as nothing for a while. A few days go by, I'm trying to meet up my friend. I see Jackson, Jack, and some Hispanic guys trying to call my name out near my dorm. Jackson and some Hispanic guy flips me off. Calls me a "Fuck boy" or "fag." And this is coming from the guy that wanted to kick my ass. And this same shit goes on from about a week and a half. At a few points, Jackson accuses me of having a knife which I never had. He fails to admit, he was the guy that wanted to kick my ass. And Jack at one point said the same thing. So I was getting fed up with the lies and accusations. One point in November, I'm walking to my floor to my room. Jack and some Mexican guy named George are walking a few feet behind me. Jack was saying some shit. I call him over, "Jack..." He gets over near me. Pushes me hard a few times. I thought we were going to fight. We didn't fight. He just says, "Fucking pussy...bitch, fag..." And he leaves. I call him a MFR. I didn't fight him because that wouldn't solve anything. I just let the hall staff now. I filed a police report that night. The police report and hall incident report was FWD to the college's student conduct office and I have a meeting with an assistant dean over that shit when I come back after the winter break. I got over that shit for a while since it's been almost a month since I've seen these ass clowns. I have other issues with another friend. My friend Travis whom I've had some mixed platonic, emotional, and some brief sexual feelings over has changed a lot. We had our good and bad times during the past year. We had issues and we talked it out of course. We smoked weed and drank, and there wasn't really issues between us over that. Though I did get really drunk at a New Years Eve party last year. Travis was really drunk also that night and stoned and high. I blacked out somewhere in the early morning of January 1, 2015 as I fail to remember 95% of the stuff past 1am. Shit happens in New Years but I didn't like how people gave me shit over that night over a week after the week. I apologized to a guy named Nick(one of the guys that lives at the house the party was at) on Facebook. He never replied back. Travis said don't worry about, yet, a friend of his named Jason had brought it up. And then Nick's friend Travis(not my friend Travis) had harassed me on Facebook and said I had been drunk every other time I was at "bromansion"(that's the name of the house). I call bullshit because the other times besides New Years I never was drunk, my friends Travis and Robby were more drunk than me and I smoked weed more than drinking. This guy Travis came off like he was "holier than thou" and basically told me to not come back to bromansion. I basically told him on Facebook PM chat to shove it, and blocked his ass. My friend Travis had my back somewhat because he had told me not to worry about that night, and he told his friend Jason to shut up about it. I mean Travis and Robby and I got over bromansion, but I felt like it hung over us somewhat. We never talked about it as I hated that night. All of us still hung out. We smoked weed and drank, I just didn't go to bromansion whenever Travis went because I have the "ban" or whatever. I don't know what the hell I actually did to justify that "ban" and I feel there is a vandetta or bias towards me by someone that lives at bromasion despite not banning my friend Travis whom was more drunk than me. Travis and I were close friends during this time. I just looked after him and made sure he didn't fall back into harder drugs(meth and heroin) as he did in his past. We did have mutual feelings and everything which felt genuine. Though, I felt threatened when other people came into the picture. I don't consider it jealously really. Let me explain, a guy named Kaleb. Bi guy about 22 or so kept spending a lot more time with Travis during this past Spring. He kept staying at Travis's room a whole lot. I describe their friendship as borderline "homoerotic" because he kept calling it "bromosexual" and the way both of them acted was homoerotic. Like I said Kaleb wasn't gay, he had a girlfriend whom reminded me of a druggy girl I'd see on Jerry Springer. I didn't like Kaleb that much, but I just showed some respect whenever he was around. I felt like it was better to show respect I didn't like, because they'd return the favor. The golden rule. I didn't like this chick named Jenny whom I felt was a promiscuous druggy. She was around my age and had some weird attachment to Travis. She had some grudge with Travis's best friend Jada whom had some fling with him. And random people that come in to the picture with the circle. And Robby the least shadiest of the people I mentioned is a good friend. He's not a bad guy. He and I share similar views on things negative perceptions towards Kaleb and Jenny. Robby wasn't a hardcore stoner or drunk, he has the All-American look. He's an ameatur MMA fighter and clean cut kid that just stood out amongst drunks and stoners but still a good friend. Despite all this, I liked this point of my life. Travis, Robby, and I were close friends despite all the negativity or whatever. We hung a lot. We went to a few parties and everything. I deal with a lot of shit during this time. We don't hang out a lot now. Why? Travis got evicted from the dorm over some incident on campus. The alarm went off in February 2015 within his room. There was some weed and pipes found. I wasn't there in that mess, thank God. I felt bad, because I felt like I could've done things to stop it. So I feel bad. Travis had to leave the dorm because of that, but he kept hanging around with his despite that because Robby and I lived on campus still. Robby got caught in that mix, and he got evicted later after the Spring semester ended. He left our college because of low grades and maybe because of that(he won't say or Travis, but I feel that was a factor). He enlisted in the USAF and looking to Special Ops. Robby was a good friend and I had no problems with him. By this Fall 2015 semester, a lot of things changed. Travis really didn't hang out with at all this semester. I would see him on campus, I'd say Hi and talk to a bit and then leave at a place we were at. He'd say whenever he didn't text back when I texted him, that his phone was broken and show me his broken phone. I'd believe him and then leave. And then see him 3-5 weeks later somewhere and then talk, and then he'd tell some anecdote of some party he went to. And then I ask him about texting him, he'd mentioned his phone was broken and show me his broken phone. I was getting tired of that already by November. I was getting tired of alot of shit by November. Robby came down to visit one last time in November, because he was about to go into basic training for the USAF. Robby, Jada, Travis, I, and an another friend hanged out one in November. The vibe wasn't there. Robby was nice and chill to me, he was the only guy that talked to me the most. Travis seemed to talk to me maybe 3-5 sentences at the most. We drank of course and chilled for maybe 1 1/2 hours at the most. This wasn't I had in mind, as I wanted one last night of partying, a send off for Robby. Something like a "farewell party." Travis got really drunk in my drunk within a hour and this before me and everyone was drunk. I'm pissed more because I kept seeing Travis's other friend whisper something to Travis's ear. I'm no fool, but I bet he kept mentioning about party there were going to later. What moron goes to a party after getting drunk within an hour. I saw him drunk maybe 5-6 beers and one or two Irish Car Bomb shots, and a few swigs of tequila. I was sipping Sangria, Beer, Sangria/Tequila at that point. So I'm pissed. I did give Robby a St. Michael dog tag as a going away gift. He's somewhat Catholic(moderate Catholic) and he went to a middle school called St.Michaels's Academy. He thanked me though. And I did text him to take care of Travis that night because I knew he was going to get drunk again. After that night, Travis and I haven't hanged out. I don't know why? But I had a vibe that something was wrong. Robby and I would text somewhat during Thanksgiving to December. He text me up last week during Xmas Eve with some news that didn't surprise. I alluded to him that I was somewhat trying to get sober(more on that in an another post). Robby told me that Travis is dabbling in cocaine heavily and most days. He told me he saw it first hand but didn't say when, I felt betrayed by Travis because he promised he'd never dabble in cocaine or hard drugs like meth and heroin(drugs he'd abuse in his past). Robby told me he was limiting contact with Travis. He never told me when he saw Travis do coke, but I assume maybe that last night in November when he came to visit in my college town. I assumed that. I don't know how Travis dabble in cocaine, it could've one of his so-called "friends" whom Robby and I didn't like and who kept pushing me and Robby down the totem pole of Travis's friends. My emotions feel fucked up because I had all those feelings towards Travis and he had feelings towards me. And the borderline bromance affection we had is still there in mind, it's just the fact I know from Robby that Travis is doing cocaine hurts me emotionally. I still have all those feelings towards him and I still have the "good" thoughts/memories about him that offset the bad. I mention a bit about sketches and preferences towards guys who are White, blonde, and middle class. I'm unsure if that sketch was modified by hanging out with Travis. He's White, short hair, grey/dirty blonde hair, youngish looking, 18 then-19 now, and was bi-curious in high school but I felt like he had traces of it. I did have this whole sexual awakening when I hanged out with Travis and my bi curious feelings peaked. I had a bit of an increase of sexual feelings towards Travis alongside emotional and platonic feelings. I did have sexual fantasies related to us which I masturbated to. I don't consider myself homosexual because I did have sexual fantasies of wanting to have a three way betweeen Travis, Jada, and I and also sexual feelings exist for women. I just had some sexual attraction of sort towards Travis and felt like he had the same towards me. I just felt not a jealous feeling but a resentment towards Kaleb when he came into the picture and hanged out with Travis. He had the whole "bromosexual" shit and saying he was Travis's best friend. I felt like in my mind during that time, "Kaleb you bastard, that's my bro." I resented the fact that Kaleb was more affectionate somewhat than me towards Travis than me. I mean, the dude slept in the same room as Travis for most of the Spring semester. He was a bit more affectionate than me, and I felt it as a threat. I wanted to be more affectionate to Travis. I mean , Travis and I hugged a lot during the Spring. I brushed/ran my hand across his hair which he didn't object. I felt like that was the most I ever went physical with anyone. I mean, he seemed to enjoy it and we were really close together in our bodies and hugging. But that's in past, I have to keep moving forward. I feel sad and upset at times, because someone I had a lot of feelings towards is just fucked up on hard drugs. Travis loved me as a bro and a friend and I loved him the same way. We were affectionate and close for a while and that was perfect. He did seem to have some bi tendencies like me, and if he and I experimented a few times and kept it hush-hush between ourselves, I wouldn't object. Something about him I had some inclination towards, because he seemed to represent a combination of all the close guy friends I knew prior. I mean he seemed to be combination of their personalities I mean. I mean he wasn't a combination of them physically, I had this long perception. It's hard to let go, but I have to. I did have some good and bad times hanging out with Travis and Robby. I don't write it off as a bad time, it was the best of times and the worst of times in a nutshell. I just want to start off 2016 and pursue some experimenting with guys that have some closeness as one preference but then jump back to the main preference I had of White, youngish looking 18-20 year olds, blonde, upper class, mostly straight guys that go to my college. I prefer this type because that's just been a mental image I have had that I like. The advice I would like is: How can I enter 2016 and just have a good bi curious life? How do I pursue some relationship or experiment with bi curious guys? How can I pursue relationships with bi curious guys without drugs/alcohol? Can I put the pursuit of wanting to have sex with girls on hold(I can't find the "right' one) and experiment with bi curious, yet still remain some "straightness" identity? I mean does having a couple of bi curious sexual experiences doesn't make me gay if I still have some preference to women?
