The Questioning Process (The Worst Thing In The World)

Hi!(Just so there is no confusion, I' am a female)
I 'm very very very confused. I have been questioning my sexuality for quite some time now and I don't know what to make of it. Now, I tend to be an over thinker and a paranoid person at times, so it makes sense why all these thoughts and questions have become so tedious and tiresome for me. I don't know where I stand. My main question is....Am I gay or am I bisexual? I guess I'm getting a bit too caught up in labels here but I feel like some of you guys would be willing to offer some helpful insight and information (and your own experiences).
Here's the thing, I don't think....I know I'm attracted to girls, emotionally and physically. I believe I always sort of known that I'm attracted to girls but haven't actually thought about it on a deeper level or acted on it. I'm still getting used to the notion that I like girls, I'm in the process of accepting myself. During this process also comes doubts and lingering questions about my sexuality. I've been wondering if I'm attracted to girls and guys, or if I'm actually gay and in denial (using bisexuality as a shield), or if I'm gay but have been to a degree conditioned to have a sort of liking towards guys (If that makes any sense), or if I'm bisexual and all of this is so new and so confusing that its frying my brain and making me question everything.
Perhaps (I'm hoping) some of you know my struggle and can relate. During middle school I had those typical "middle school relationships" (You hold hands and kiss once in awhile). I remember being so confused as to why I wasn't crushing on any guys, none of them felt appealing to me, it was just ehhhh. Of course eventually I had some boys I "dated" but I always got weirded out by them touching me or trying to kiss me (Which resulted in them breaking up with me). I remember my first kiss, it felt like I was kissing a wall, no spark, nothing (Although I had no feelings for this boy). So blah blah blah I get to high school and things start to change. I had a huge crush on this boy freshman year, I didn't really know him but I adored him. I figured to myself, "See! I finally have a crush on a guy! Kissing would definitely feel better if it was with someone I liked." After some times I actually ended up going to homecoming with this boy and kissed him.....nothing, no spark. After this my attraction for him fell short and ended there.
I was so frustrated with myself and quickly convinced myself that maybe kissing is not my thing, its the relationship that counts, if I was in a relationship I would be happy and I wouldn't feel this way towards boys. Which resulted in my first actual relationship with a guy. I had been in this relationship for about 6 months and recently its been the most eye opening event concerning my sexuality. I did like and care for the guy I was with but it fell short again. I did eventually get involved with him to a certain degree. (Not sex sex, 'penetration') I remember it being not very comfortable and kinda boring experience. It felt like a chore and it did at one point cause me to be sick. (very embarrassing). Throughout our relationship I felt like I missing something, faking something, not giving myself fully (I thought something was seriously wrong with me). This sweet guy was spewing love all over me and I just felt like running away. Eventually I ended the relationship using reasons such as, I was't ready to have this kind of relationship, I needed to focus on school....blah blah blah. At the time, I didn't even know the 'true' reason I was breaking up with him. Now a couple months later, I think I know why.
I have this 'fantasy' that keeps popping up in my mind. I picture myself with a woman later in life, falling in love, marrying her, having children with her. When I think about this, it feels loving and comfortable. It feels bright and happy, it makes me feel excited for the future. It feels right. I have thought about this scenario also with a man in my future and it doesn't feel the same, it feels strange and kinda disheartening. I don't see myself having kids with a man and being as happy as I could be with a woman.
I guess overall I fear coming out as a lesbian and then all of a sudden realizing I've made the wrong choice and can't go back. Possibly this could be due to the fact that I lack confidence in myself also I'm just a worry wart in general. So if you guys would just leave me some comments about your thoughts and feelings about this. It would help a ton!

 

hey.. hi there.. i'm not sure if i'm the right person to say this.. it's not as if i've already figured out everything about my sexuality.. i've just recently accepted i'm gay.. and just like you i'm a worrier and tend to overthink things a lot..

i've even had times before that i go back and forth about being 100% sure i'm gay then questioning it again.. it's normal i suppose.. as of now i can proudly say i'm really gay.. and i've accepted it..

i think you're main problem is labeling yourself.. someone once told me that labels are actually meant to help the people around us understand who we are.. it's this world that makes us want to choose a certain label that fits us.. i think there's nothing wrong with coming out as lesbian then later on realize you are actually bisexual..

it may sound weird but i myself is not comfortable about being called a lesbian.. i prefer being referred to as gay.. i just think lesbian is a harsher word or something like that..

i hope that helps..

 

Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot! I wish in a perfect world that everyone wouldn't have to go through this painful questioning phase and just 'know'. Lol but unfortunately this isn't a perfect world and as you said, I have to figure it out on my own. Thanks for your support!

 

Okay so I'm totally with you on all this ... It's confusing stuff. You sound like your lesbian to me from What you've said here (possibly biromantic homosexual but it's probably just the fact that you're expected to like guys). And it's not an issue if you have to shift what your label is in fact sexuality is quite fluid in some people. I wish you the best of luck - hope this help!

 

Hey LizzieRose, it seems to me that you already know what your sexuality is. I may be wrong but I think you either haven't accepted it fully or are scared of coming out, probably both, so your mind creates this what if I come out as gay and realize I'm bi doubts to postpone the reality of things. How's your family and friends, do you think they'd be supportive?

 

I believe my family will be supportive. I've grown up in a very liberal household and have never thought being gay or gay people were a bad thing. But its strange to me, I can't believe that 'I'm' gay (its not a bad thing, its more like shock). I wonder how my life will change, how people will see me differently and treat me differently (mostly friends). I guess I'm scared of change and exposing myself. I'm kinda a loner at school, I don't like to have attention on me but in some sense people at my school probably wouldn't make a big deal out of it so why should I be worried....

 

That's great. It's understandable you're worried about how your life will change once you come out but remember many changes in life are for the better, however scary they may seem. (*hug*)
By the way I like what LiSe writes about shock...
Be grateful for shocks, they hit you out of thoughtlessness. Many have been saved from disaster by a shock, or even from death.
Shocks inspire to greater deeds than normal thinking can imagine. Use them, don’t let them fade away, don’t let anyone talk you back to normal size. Great and often dreadful happenings give power and depth to life.
Without a shock now and then the spirit gets lazy and the soul gets clogged. Nobody likes shocks but they are the only way to make life bright and interesting and worthwhile and true.
Shocks are frightening, but when one does not panic, they can reveal new paths and insights. Open your mind for them, this is the occasion for widening your horizons, and smashing many blockades. Have the guts to enter new ventures, new and big challenges.