Hey, I felt that i have to share this story with you guys for someone who is in the same situation. In October 2015 i realized that i like boys (I knew it a year ago but i was trying to just not thinking about it). At the begging i felt terrible. I started asking to myself all of these terrifying questions, Am i really gay? This is normal or not? God loves me or hates me? Could i make a family or not? Am i bad person? Can i change it? etc. I was just sitting in my bed and thinking(and trying to cry*) for hours. *Something important:[ In the junior school i was crying very easy like if i accidental hit someone or a cat died. In the 5th Grade i took a decision. I thought it was a good decision but it ended that was the worst decision i ever made. And the decision was to make me "harder" or more "manly" if you want it. I'll hold myself when i am going to cry and i'll change my behavior to something more masculine (like i am boy and i am not going to play with girls etc). I made my life more conservative and i was just hiding in a deep hole the real me. ] :bang: :bang: Because of this terrible decision my taught times trying to accept myself were the hardest moments of my life i was just trying to cry to get my pain off through my tears and i couldn't. The pain remained in my chest every time i was breathing. Some days later i thought i couldn't pain anymore. I thought to suicide. Fortunately there is something good with me i always was terrified by death. So i just couldn't kill myself. I was afraid of the pain that i would probably create. So i made a step back and thought that i have to come out to someone, of course my best friend. I found a day and i just came out. I was so afraid of his reaction. Fortunately again i was WRONG he accepted me (kind of). First he said me that i am not like gay people and things like that. When i came back from home i was smiling for the first time after i don't know 20 days. but things went worse. Me trying to accept myself ALONE. I felt lonely and i still i am a little bit lonely. Anyway because every story must have a happy end or at least something good things got better after i came out to my Godmother. We are very close with my Godmother. So one day i slept in her house i wrote a note and left it on her laptop keyboard. I wrote about everything that i am afraid if she will still loves me, I was afraid telling it to my parents. When she woke up she read the note. I don't know how she first reacted because i was sleeping but when i woke up she came to my room and told me that i can't "un-love" you. I still love you. There is nothing wrong with you and things like that. I was happy not only because she accepted me but also because i cried again after a long time. I found myself i thought. When i came back to my home i was smiling i started accepting myself and a few days later i said for the first time loud I AM GAY!!! I was happy about myself. I still getting tough times thinking if i ever found a boy who loves me, if i am nice enough to make someone love me etc but these are for another post. So basically this is my mini-story about how i accepted myself :eusa_clap . I still haven't came out to a lot of people like my parents, my siblings and even some of my friends but i think i 'll find the courage to do it. I hope i'll helped even a single person with my post. (*hug*) Thank you (and sorry for any Typos or things like that, English is my second language and i am still learning it), Nick
welcome to EC, nick your godmother sounds fabulous and she will always be there for you you have some adventures coming your way in the coming years I hope you will soon find a friend in your town who you can talk to openly this will help a lot with the loneliness, and depression but also on EC you will be able to get a lot of good friendly advice