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My depression/Semi-Coming out story

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Nick123, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. Nick123

    Regular Member

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    Hey,

    I felt that i have to share this story with you guys for someone who is in the same situation. In October 2015 i realized that i like boys (I knew it a year ago but i was trying to just not thinking about it). At the begging i felt terrible. I started asking to myself all of these terrifying questions, Am i really gay? This is normal or not? God loves me or hates me? Could i make a family or not? Am i bad person? Can i change it? etc. I was just sitting in my bed and thinking(and trying to cry*) for hours.

    *Something important:[ In the junior school i was crying very easy like if i accidental hit someone or a cat died. In the 5th Grade i took a decision. I thought it was a good decision but it ended that was the worst decision i ever made. And the decision was to make me
    "harder" or more "manly" if you want it. I'll hold myself when i am going to cry and i'll change my behavior to something more masculine (like i am boy and i am not going to play with girls etc). I made my life more conservative and i was just hiding in a deep hole the real me. ] :bang: :bang:

    Because of this terrible decision my taught times trying to accept myself were the hardest moments of my life i was just trying to cry to get my pain off through my tears and i couldn't. The pain remained in my chest every time i was breathing. Some days later i thought i couldn't pain anymore. I thought to suicide. Fortunately there is something good with me i always was terrified by death. So i just couldn't kill myself. I was afraid of the pain that i would probably create.

    So i made a step back and thought that i have to come out to someone, of course my best friend. I found a day and i just came out. I was so afraid of his reaction. Fortunately again i was WRONG he accepted me (kind of). First he said me that i am not like gay people and things like that. When i came back from home i was smiling for the first time after i don't know 20 days. but things went worse. Me trying to accept myself ALONE. I felt lonely and i still i am a little bit lonely.

    Anyway because every story must have a happy end or at least something good things got better after i came out to my Godmother. We are very close with my Godmother. So one day i slept in her house i wrote a note and left it on her laptop keyboard. I wrote about everything that i am afraid if she will still loves me, I was afraid telling it to my parents. When she woke up she read the note. I don't know how she first reacted because i was sleeping :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but when i woke up she came to my room and told me that i can't "un-love" you. I still love you. There is nothing wrong with you and things like that. I was happy not only because she accepted me but also because i cried again after a long time. I found myself i thought. When i came back to my home i was smiling i started accepting myself and a few days later i said for the first time loud I AM GAY!!! I was happy about myself.

    I still getting tough times thinking if i ever found a boy who loves me, if i am nice enough to make someone love me etc but these are for another post.

    So basically this is my mini-story about how i accepted myself :eusa_clap . I still haven't came out to a lot of people like my parents, my siblings and even some of my friends but i think i 'll find the courage to do it. I hope i'll helped even a single person with my post. (*hug*)

    Thank you (and sorry for any Typos or things like that, English is my second language and i am still learning it),
    Nick
     
  2. bingostring

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    welcome to EC, nick
    your godmother sounds fabulous and she will always be there for you
    you have some adventures coming your way in the coming years
    I hope you will soon find a friend in your town who you can talk to openly
    this will help a lot with the loneliness, and depression
    but also on EC you will be able to get a lot of good friendly advice